The Time of Day/Night that Males Will Never Speak of Again

Okay, you all know it's been coming. I alluded to something in my last post that really chaps my rash...figuratively. I would like to consider myself a somewhat realistic person, but I have been known to dabble in fantasy a bit, mostly with elves, dwarves, and men who live FAR beyond what people these days live. Yes, in case you were wondering, I'm referring to the Numenoreans. If you don't know what that is, I recommend you email some guy who has spent his life learning Elvish (not Elvis....because I'm not entirely certain how you could learn him..unless, of course, you're referring to the more aged definition of learn, which can be substituted with teach...which really doesn't make sense, but is still fun to say. How's THAT for a side track...and run-on sentence?!)...I'm going to assume you forgot what the sentence preceding the parenthetical statement was, so I'll repeat. If you don't know what a Numenorean is, email some guy who has spent his life learning Elvish and let him ream you. Granted, he has spent his life learning Elvish, so there's not a lot he could say to you that would make you feel bad about yourself. I mean, come on, you could always fall back on the statement "Hey, at least I don't know Elvish." Just saying.

Anyway, back to the thing that figuratively chaps my rash. Yeah, you know what it is. Dare I say....Twilight. I understand that I will be alienating a certain demographic simply by writing this entry, but I'm okay with that. If you are willing to sacrifice a friendship over a fantasy book, you're obviously not Team Benjamin.

Now, there are a certain few things about Twilight that really bother me. First off, did Stephanie Meyer even know what a vampire was before writing this? I mean, sure she understood the fundamental aspect of the blood sucking, but for all I know, she could have been confusing "vampires" with "leeches." If all you know about a vampire was that it sucked blood, you could see how that would be an easy mistake to make.

See, you can very well understand how ANYONE *who is on crack* could confuse the
<---two.---->

I do have to admit, however, that I have seen the first movie. It was under some very specific circumstances, and if that requires me to forfeit a man card, I will do so because it was worth driving several avid Twilight fans up the wall. There are certain things that really just didn't sit well with me...to the extent that I almost vomited. Seriously. First off, if these so-called "Vampires" are so afraid of sunlight, why do they sit at the table in the lunch room that's nearest the windows? What would happen if the clouds broke even for a second? All their years and years of intense concealment would be blown. Obviously their "father" didn't tell them anything about common sense. Second, sparkles? Really? REALLY!?!?! It's like they all got trapped in the horrible glitter factory collapse of '87, and by some freak accident, they all fell into the same vat of nuclear glitter and it embedded itself within their skin. It's like some experience that usually creates a superhero, but this time it went horribly horribly wrong. I mean, maybe Stephanie Dyer got a hold of some of the earliest rejected ideas by Marvel*. I mean, really. The only thing gayer would be if these "vampires" happened to all be on the cheer squad at Forks high and spent their free time practicing their ballet or synchronized swimming or something.

The circumstance under which I witnessed this abscess of a movie was the following: For those of you who may be familiar with the popular TV series "Mystery Science Theater 3000," the guys who do that also make audio tracks that you can play along with a variety of modern movies, such as Twilight. So we had that playing alongside the movie, which enhanced the experience, but it was still torture. I would recommend that anyone who doesn't want to watch the movie but somehow feels pressured into doing it...that's the way to go. If you still think I deserve to forfeit a man card, you obviously haven't read the rules regarding forfeiture and seizure of man card and man card accessories.

Back to my rant on Twilight. Previously I mentioned that I tend to dabble in fantasy on occasion, but there's something that separates me from a Twilight enthusiast (well, I'm sure there are plenty of things that separate me, like the fact that I like girls), is the fact that I have NEVER, EVER been romantically inclined towards any of the characters in Lord of the Rings. Sure, Arwen sounded hot, but I never got to the level where I would compare other girls to her. For all you people who are constantly fighting over which team would win, Team Edward or Team Jacob, I have breaking news for you: the team that wins is the team that is still in reality.

Some people might be thinking that I am just jealous because girls don't talk about me the way they talk about Edward and Taylor Lautner (Let's be honest, no one talks about the guy that PLAYS Edward). Here's what I have to say to you: HA! HAHA! HAAAAAAAA! HAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA. Heh heh, HA! I think that gets the point across. I think that if I'm being compared to a fictional character, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway....for obvious reasons (if you don't know what those reasons are, club yourself over the head. If you still remember twilight when you wake up, you didn't do it hard enough).

Okay, I think I'm done with my rant for now. Deep breaths. Feel free to comment if you have something I may have omitted. Granted, I understand that there are like 5 people who actually read this blog.


*Marvel is in no way associated with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.