The Fall of Rome

Yeah, right. Like I would actually write about a real topic.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about "coolness," or what would more aptly be termed "perceived coolness." Maybe it started with my 11th grade physics lecture on the Theory or Relativity, and how in most cases there isn't an absolute (at first, that may seem like an incomplete sentence, but I assure you that it was intentional.) Now, I understand that there are people out there who are firmly committed to the supposed fact that they're "cool," or "the bee's knees" (a saying that has always confused me. I mean, think about it. Knees? Do bees have knees? If so, why are they so cool? Maybe only a certain group of bees have knees, which is why they're so desirable, but I digress.) I'm going to spend this post discussing the factors that seem to determine "coolness," and how I think they should change.

For the most part, I think coolness is determined by the factor that is the fact that a smaller group of the mass has something, some possession, that is not had by the masses, which causes envy amongst the general public. For example, think of the first guy to have a toothbrush. I don't know about you, but if I was having to somehow engineer a way to maintain oral hygiene, and I saw some guy with a toothbrush, I would basically kill for it. In fact, I would probably kill him with the toothbrush he was waving in my face. "Not so cool now, is it, jerk!?" But who knows what kind of blood feuds that could start. I imagine that the downfall of the Incan empire was actually caused that way. It's just science. That's all I'm saying.

There's one aspect of the defintion I've stated above that I don't really understand, however, and that revolves around what people call "smarts." Obviously, not everyone has them. Heh. Yeah, definitely not everyone has them. If you don't believe me (for some really, really strange reason), just...go talk to someone. Chances are they're dumb, but that also runs the risk of you being dumb (not saying you are), and you, then, wouldn't pick up on it. STUPID! (What's in the box?) I'm not trying to say that I don't understand why everyone isn't smart. Between drugs, MTV, and Twilight, I can see how some people are just dumbed down by these influences(I couldn't resist, but seriously, people, I don't care how attractive they are claimed to be, they're bad actors. BOVERED!) What I don't get is how being smart became uncool. Now, I've dwelled on this subject for a while before, and I imagine it went a little something like this: A guy marries a girl, the guy gets a good job which requires him to spend a fair amount of time researching and studying and what not, so the girl gets a little neglected. In turn, the girl finds another guy who doesn't read, or research, or...think, to fill the void. The first guy and girl get a divorce, the second guy and girl get married. The first guy gets depressed, drinks himself to death, and at the funeral the old wife says, "Drinking yourself to death? Not cool." The girl was Mrs. Butterworth, the second man was Mr. Freeze, and the first man was Mr. Freeze's nerdy older brother Phil (Obviously Mrs. Butterworth kept her maiden name after the marriage for marketing reasons). And there you have it. From that point on, smartness was associated with being uncool. You may have a hard time picking up the connection, but it's there. Just dig deeper. I speak in parables.

It's also entirely possible that those who are prone to excessive social interaction were labeled with the title of "cool," simply because they were around people TO label them. I mean, I can spend as much time around my computer, but it's not going to just randomly say, "Hey, man, you're really cool!" Sure, I could program it to do that, but then it would just seem forced, you know? It's kind of like if you tell someone that you enjoy they're company, and then they immediately say that they like your company as well. It just seems forced.

So, in turn, I propose we abandon these supposed stereotypes of what coolness is. I mean, dude from Bountiful, your popped collar and gelled hair may make you think you're cool, but you're actually just a tool. I don't care how much time you spend tanning and how much your sun glasses cost, you're still a tool. Oh yeah? You have an iPhone? I hate to break it to you, but your iPhone won't stand a chance against my Android (this time I'm referring to the robot.) Hey, is there a defibrillator app? Oh, that sucks. Your heart stopped, and I rule the world. Who's cool now?

Attack of the Six Strings

Throughout my many days of observing things (Turns out I've been doing it basically since birth, or so I'm told), there's one thing whose frequency and intensity seems to undulate in varying degrees as the years pass. I don't know if these frequencies are intensified by cosmic rays, interstellar motion, or even just in proportion to Oprah's weight (OH SNAP!), but I cannot deny its existence. In fact, anyone who has any grasp on reality should be fully aware of this phenomenon. To explain what it is, first let me outline a situation:

A group of individuals are hanging out at a house. Typically, every group of friends has what seem to be the stereotypical personality types. There's the shy one, the loud one, the sarcastic one (often termed the mean one, although I don't see what math has to do with this), the ugly one (yeah, we all know who you are), the nerdy one (in my friends, we all fit that type), the flirt, and then there's the last guy, the one about whom I'm going to spend the rest of my time speaking. We all know one. I like to label him as the "Guitar Guy."

I don't mean for anyone to misunderstand. I have nothing against the instrument, and I'm sure that the majority of people who learn to play the guitar learn to do it simply because they love the instrument. Also, girls are exempt from this stereotype, but I'll explain why later. I'm talking about the guy who goes out of his way to play the guitar, and we all know he's not doing it for "love of the instrument." Some may argue, "You're just bitter because you can't do it." No. You're wrong. I could do it if I wanted to. Sure, it would take a while to learn, but I don't have any desire to learn it. I'm perfectly content just mediocre...ly singing along with awesome songs from the 80's like "Rio" and "Total Eclipse of the Heart," and making stupid jokes, and...being labeled as "awkward."

As further clarification to whom I'm referring when I talk about these types of people, I'm going to go through a fairly common social scenario. I'm going to show how most people would act, and then I'll contrast it with how this person acts. Here goes.

Friend 1: Hey, what should we do tonight?
Friend 2: I don't know. It's really cold outside, so I don't really want to...go...outside.
Friend 1: We could go sledding or something. Is there snow anywhere?
Friend 2: Yeah, but that's outside. Find me an indoor hill, and I'm all over it. Heck, if you can find an indoor hill, I will personally grind up ice for us to sled on.
Friend 1: You're a dork. I don't know. Are there any good movies out?
Friend 3: Hey, where's your guitar?
Friend 1: I...don't...have one...
Friend 3: Oh, good thing I always carry mine with me in my car, you know, because I don't have anything to put into a conversation.
Friend 1: Yeah, ok. So any good movies?
Friend 2: I heard that one with (insert famous actor here) is pr....
Friend 3: Strum. I'm your...Strum. Hold on guys, I got it. Strum. Strum. Wait, no, no, this is it. Strum.
Girl 1: Oh I love that song!
Friend 1 to Friend 2: How the crap can this chick even know what the heck he's playing?

Okay, I admit that this is a bit of an exaggeration. And, to be frank, if situations occurred like this, I think I would be okay with it. But I think it highlights several important aspects of how it occurs. Recently I had a conversation with a friend about this subject. I would like to quote him here.

"What bugs me most about the guitar scene. Is everyone is about at the same level. That level being the "crap" level. Like I can play a couple chords and know some struming techniques. But rare is the really good guitarist. And I always feel that one should be asked to play. We don't want volunteers. I mean I'm average at the Kazoo, but you don't see me whipping that out at camp fires. At least not untill I'm asked. And i know, FOR A FACT, that (name deleted) isn't half bad at the rythm block, but you wouldn't know it from him."

Well said, my friend. I can, however, seeing several arguments stemming from this topic. Some may say that it would be wrong for them not to play. Granted, we aren't supposed to "hide our talents," but at the same time, we're not supposed to drop our talents in front of the homeless people just to show them that we have some. It's a delicate balance. Also, some might argue that they just love playing the guitar. Here's my counter argument: how about you develop a personality. I mean, sure, you may get the girls at first. But eventually you'll run out of songs to sing and actually have to talk to her. What are you going to do then? Hmmm? I would say that there's a time and a season for everything. Hanging out in a big group is the time for honing your social skills, developing relationships with those who you're around by interacting, and not for becoming some distorted, new-age pied piper, trying to lure away unsuspecting 18 or 19 year old women.

As I promised, here's why women are immune to this classification of social injustice (yes, I know there's nothing unjust...injust (ingest?) about this.) Women don't rely on guitars to impress guys. In fact, women know that it's not the way to go, unless you're really going for someone who's "in touch with his feelings." If that's your kind of man, just go down to the library and look for the kid with eyeliner and who's writing in his journal. I'm pretty sure he's "in touch" with everything...but reality. Anyway, women know that the way to go about impressing a guy is by talking about sports, or being good at video games, or making them food (sure, it may be stereotypical, but I'm fairly confident it would work with 98% of the guys I know), and not by playing guitar (although, in some cases, it may just work out for you. But if you decide to go that route, you may as well throw in some steak to be safe.)

I understand that this post probably sounds a bit bitter. I guess it depends on the day (you know...manic-depressive). But seriously, if you're one of the guitar players, I have nothing against you playing the guitar. Heck, develop your own fan club for all I care, complete with groupies and...snacks...and meetings, but, please, for all the rest of our sanities' sake (I've never had to pluralize sanity before), just go into a different room (or jump off a bridge). As much as I like having slightly less-than-good background music in all my conversations, I don't think it would take away from the experience as a whole if it were to simply...vanish.