I'm not one who enjoys drawing attention to himself. I'm always the type of person that tends to stay near the edges at any kind of social gathering. I would much rather listen to a conversation by two other people than create one on my own. There are few things that will push me away from a party faster than the word "charades". I don't think I'm alone in this, and I would even go so far as to suggest that there may be at least three other people in the state of Utah who share this opinion. I know, I may be going out on a bit of a limb by suggesting this, but I say it with a large level of confidence. I have often wondered whether it was nature or nurture that made me this way, but the topic of this long-overdue post will be exploring this topic.
As an aside, one of the reason I don't write on the blog much anymore is because I rarely feel like I have good ideas for topics. My major purpose for this blog is to give people a look into the way I think, which I'm told is "unique". I'm writing this as I watch the majority of my family play a charades-like game whilst on vacation. It is moderately ridiculous, but it is highly entertaining from my viewpoint, so I figured this was as good a reason as any to write. To warm you up for what's about to come, here's a joke:
Q: "How do you catch a unique rabbit?"
A: "It doesn't matter because life is meaningless" - Kierkegaard.
Heh. Existentialism is funny.
So, charades and attention seeking (That's the name of this post!) I come from a family of vastly differing personalities. There are those who love being in the spotlight, the comedians, the emotional, the intelligent, the social, the opinionated (as a disclaimer, I don't think one person in my family is embodied by one of these characteristics, so stop taking offense, Steve). While I may embody some of those characteristics listed, I feel like one of the more dominant traits I possess is that of being looked over. That's a trait, right?
What I mean is that I always want to fly under the radar. I like to go about my business and not draw attention to myself. As a child, I would watch my older siblings get in trouble with the parental unit, and I would then make a strong effort to either not do that observed activity, or at least do a better job at covering my tracks.
At work, I'm the same way. I prefer to do my work and not draw attention to my work. I had an encounter with a coworker. He was supervisor for the group with which my group works in close connection. He was showing a new employee around and introducing the new employee to everyone. He came to my cubicle and introduced me, and then he proceeded to explain what I do. After he was done, I injected "I work behind the scenes," and he then said, "Some day you'll need to work in the scene if you want to move up." My response: "And what if I don't care about moving up....." Granted, I believe this response was mostly in my head.
As a side story, does this happen to anyone else: You are walking somewhere, someone asks you a question, you mentally respond, but you never actually respond? Anyone?
I like to consider myself as familial infrastructure. I do what I'm expected to do, and people accept it as normal. I don't really do things that are considered noteworthy, and so I probably don't come up in conversation a ton. That's how I like it.
The problem I have found with this behavior is that in dating, one of the first things that you're supposed to do is set yourself apart from the other suitors. There's pressure to be creative, to stimulate intellectual conversation (but not on a first date, I have found. Apparently it's bad form to discuss my theories on why I think online dating falls short...when on a date with someone I met online), and be charming and witty. I may, at times, be able to fulfill some of the previously stated requirements, but I will admit creativity in dating isn't really...me. Some of these requirements may be due to societal pressures, and some may even be fabricated entirely in my mind (like Steve). I will be reliable. I will do my best to be respectful, but I don't peacock. In fact, I will watch people peacock, and I will just laugh at them....all the way to their wedding dinner.
So, where am I going with this? There's a good chance that if you know the answer to that question, you're already ahead of me. I'm considering this blog post a warm up, since I haven't done it recently, but don't get false hope: most of my posts usually end the same way one of my recent dates ended...with my words kind of just trailing off until they stop, and the post/date ends.
So, if you read this far, I'm sorry because your night must not have a lot going on. What did this post start by talking about? I don't know, but I sure am hungry.
To the fridge!
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Friday, February 8, 2013
BADD
Greetings, Interwebs!
It has been a long, long time since I've written anything here, and it's entirely possible that no one will read this except the ghosts which haunt this site. (As an aside, I'm really sorry, but by navigating here, it's entirely possible that you may have opened a gateway to the netherworld. Something about an ancient voodoo curse and not disturbing the remains of a priest - are religious voodoo figures called priests? - but there's good news! Typically, you'll probably only get a ghost or two, maybe a banshee, and although the paranormal screaming can get tiresome, they'll typically only eat a snack or two, have a drink, and then they'll be out of your hair. Just make sure to tuck them in before you go to bed, or they get maaaaaaaaad. Trust me.)
That was a long aside.
The reason why I'm writing today and breaking communication silence is in support of a dear friend who's in an ongoing battle with Getting-Hit-by-a-Drunk-Driver-itis. If you want to see her story, you can go here or here. Personally, I don't have much of a connection to drunk driving....wait, let me try that again. I don't have much of a connection to those that have been affected by drunk driving outside of my aforementioned friend, so I can't relate personal experiences on how this has affected me. I've been able to observe my friend's recovery from a distance, but that's about it. So instead of trying to share some heart warming anecdote, I'm going to simply share a few thoughts I have on the matter.
Not to be over-simplistic or anything, but it really is just stupid. The only real reason I can see for people to get behind the wheel while intoxicated (in any form) is their own pride. People think that they can handle their alcohol (or other substance), and some may even think it would be a sign of weakness to call a cab or arrange for a designated driver. Others may be embarrassed by what they've put in their body, and if they can fool themselves into thinking they're sufficiently cognizant to drive, perhaps they'll continue to fool those around them into thinking they don't have a problem. Perhaps they have some sort of person vendetta against the leprechauns that only appear when they're intoxicated, and so by drinking, it gives them their only chance to track down the leprechaun king and bring this madness to an end...finally. I really don't know the reasons why someone would drive while intoxicated, and I'm not going to pretend to understand someone's motivation for doing so, but really...it needs to end.
I don't know any statistics on drunk driving fatalities. I can't cite references that would go into the neurological effects of intoxication and how it affects cognition. All I know is that I don't drink, none of my closest friends drink, and I rarely have any interaction with those who have been drinking; however, I have still witnessed the effects of drunk driving.
My only wish is that people would sincerely take a step back before planning a night out and take the necessary precautions. Even if you feel capable of driving, there's no shame in being overly cautious. One false move could change not only your life, but the lives of who knows how many people in an instant. If you ever wonder how long a second can last, just ask those who have been involved in an accident where a loved one was injured - fatal or not.
In the mean time, let's continue to spread awareness. Everyone may know it's a problem, but we need to inundate society with this message so that it reaches even those who are the most deaf to it can't help but hear.
It has been a long, long time since I've written anything here, and it's entirely possible that no one will read this except the ghosts which haunt this site. (As an aside, I'm really sorry, but by navigating here, it's entirely possible that you may have opened a gateway to the netherworld. Something about an ancient voodoo curse and not disturbing the remains of a priest - are religious voodoo figures called priests? - but there's good news! Typically, you'll probably only get a ghost or two, maybe a banshee, and although the paranormal screaming can get tiresome, they'll typically only eat a snack or two, have a drink, and then they'll be out of your hair. Just make sure to tuck them in before you go to bed, or they get maaaaaaaaad. Trust me.)
That was a long aside.
The reason why I'm writing today and breaking communication silence is in support of a dear friend who's in an ongoing battle with Getting-Hit-by-a-Drunk-Driver-itis. If you want to see her story, you can go here or here. Personally, I don't have much of a connection to drunk driving....wait, let me try that again. I don't have much of a connection to those that have been affected by drunk driving outside of my aforementioned friend, so I can't relate personal experiences on how this has affected me. I've been able to observe my friend's recovery from a distance, but that's about it. So instead of trying to share some heart warming anecdote, I'm going to simply share a few thoughts I have on the matter.
Not to be over-simplistic or anything, but it really is just stupid. The only real reason I can see for people to get behind the wheel while intoxicated (in any form) is their own pride. People think that they can handle their alcohol (or other substance), and some may even think it would be a sign of weakness to call a cab or arrange for a designated driver. Others may be embarrassed by what they've put in their body, and if they can fool themselves into thinking they're sufficiently cognizant to drive, perhaps they'll continue to fool those around them into thinking they don't have a problem. Perhaps they have some sort of person vendetta against the leprechauns that only appear when they're intoxicated, and so by drinking, it gives them their only chance to track down the leprechaun king and bring this madness to an end...finally. I really don't know the reasons why someone would drive while intoxicated, and I'm not going to pretend to understand someone's motivation for doing so, but really...it needs to end.
I don't know any statistics on drunk driving fatalities. I can't cite references that would go into the neurological effects of intoxication and how it affects cognition. All I know is that I don't drink, none of my closest friends drink, and I rarely have any interaction with those who have been drinking; however, I have still witnessed the effects of drunk driving.
My only wish is that people would sincerely take a step back before planning a night out and take the necessary precautions. Even if you feel capable of driving, there's no shame in being overly cautious. One false move could change not only your life, but the lives of who knows how many people in an instant. If you ever wonder how long a second can last, just ask those who have been involved in an accident where a loved one was injured - fatal or not.
In the mean time, let's continue to spread awareness. Everyone may know it's a problem, but we need to inundate society with this message so that it reaches even those who are the most deaf to it can't help but hear.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
PSA: Share the Sidewalks
Over the past year, I have replaced my primary means of transportation. I have gone from strictly relying on my status of being bipedal, to relying on the bi-pedals of my bicycle. With this change in transportation scheme come a fair number of excitements and sometimes excruciating difficulties, and it is upon these facts that I intend to write. I'll point out the fact that I stated that it is purely my intent of remaining on this topic, for those of you who have read my posts in the past would know that "pointed" is hardly a descriptor to be used in description of my rambling writings.
The first topic that comes to mind when I think of "what I've learned while riding a bike" would definitely be how grateful I am for the fact that my bike is a road bike and not a mountain bike. This gratitude appeared as a result of the comparative ease with which I was riding home from class in the HPER E building on the University of Utah campus...the relative ease in comparison with those of my pseudo colleagues who were riding far inferior "mountain" bikes. I credit this ease to the significantly smaller coefficient of kinetic friction caused by the differing materials and patterns present in the respective tires.
Okay, enough of that pretentious writing. I was simply trying to make a point of how annoying it is reading something written by someone who pretends to have a large vocabulary. Now, let's get to the real stuff I wanted to talk about.
While riding a bike, I have discovered that there are very different levels of skill in regards to walking. Seriously though. I have never realized in the past, how difficult it can be for someone to walk in a straight line. I sincerely wish that this difficulty could be blamed on intoxication, but given the fact that people tend to suffer from it at as early as 7:20 in the morning, I either think the problem is with walking itself, or some people really need to cut back.
Let me illustrate an example. I don't mean illustrate as in drawing a picture...bad things would happen if I even attempted that feat. In fact, I'm convinced an orphan dies every time I try to draw something. So, I will merely try to paint a picture with words. Because I know words.
So I'm riding home from class (pretty much entirely downhill), and as I approach someone who is walking in the same direction as me, I make adjustments on the path of my ride as not to hit them...naturally. Then, out of some subconscious desire to be severely injured, the person takes a step to the side, impeding my already-adjusted course. I have to then correct again, and I have to ride off on the grass to avoid the straight line-challenged individual (I know....of all the terrible things that could happen to someone on a road bike, riding on the grass is basically the worst option.)
I have discovered that, more often than not, the person who makes the poor decision of suddenly changing lanes on the sidewalk is playing with their phone. So what is it that causes our internal compass to go all awry when we're looking at an object we often hold way too close to our faces? I think discovering that may be my calling in life.
The other scenario occurs when I'm quickly approaching someone from one direction, and they are walking perpendicular to my path. The person sees the rapidity of my approach, and a sudden sense of uncontrollable fear grips them, and they freeze. Now, mind you, I have determined that my path will not hit them if they proceed at their current rate of travel. So, when they freeze, all of a sudden the variables of my mental calculations have changed, and my solution is no longer valid. This causes a required swerve on my part, and, once again, I end up on the grass.
So, why am I taking the time to write this out. I intend this simply as a public service announcement to those of you who find yourself walking in areas where bicyclers share the lanes of travel.
1)Pick a target at eye level and a reasonable distance, and walk towards it. It's the same principle that they teach in driver's ed (even though you'd think that walking would be that much easier to handle since you've been doing it so much longer than driving.) Don't suddenly change lanes...you never know what's approaching from behind (unless you hear someone yelling "STOP THAT MAN." In which case, I would recommend you do all the "lane changing" that you desire.
2)If you see a biker coming in your direction, don't fear...we won't hit you. If we do, you'll just get insurance money. It's really a win-win situation, so let's overcome that fear. What do you say, patcha?
Share the sidewalks!
The first topic that comes to mind when I think of "what I've learned while riding a bike" would definitely be how grateful I am for the fact that my bike is a road bike and not a mountain bike. This gratitude appeared as a result of the comparative ease with which I was riding home from class in the HPER E building on the University of Utah campus...the relative ease in comparison with those of my pseudo colleagues who were riding far inferior "mountain" bikes. I credit this ease to the significantly smaller coefficient of kinetic friction caused by the differing materials and patterns present in the respective tires.
Okay, enough of that pretentious writing. I was simply trying to make a point of how annoying it is reading something written by someone who pretends to have a large vocabulary. Now, let's get to the real stuff I wanted to talk about.
While riding a bike, I have discovered that there are very different levels of skill in regards to walking. Seriously though. I have never realized in the past, how difficult it can be for someone to walk in a straight line. I sincerely wish that this difficulty could be blamed on intoxication, but given the fact that people tend to suffer from it at as early as 7:20 in the morning, I either think the problem is with walking itself, or some people really need to cut back.
Let me illustrate an example. I don't mean illustrate as in drawing a picture...bad things would happen if I even attempted that feat. In fact, I'm convinced an orphan dies every time I try to draw something. So, I will merely try to paint a picture with words. Because I know words.
So I'm riding home from class (pretty much entirely downhill), and as I approach someone who is walking in the same direction as me, I make adjustments on the path of my ride as not to hit them...naturally. Then, out of some subconscious desire to be severely injured, the person takes a step to the side, impeding my already-adjusted course. I have to then correct again, and I have to ride off on the grass to avoid the straight line-challenged individual (I know....of all the terrible things that could happen to someone on a road bike, riding on the grass is basically the worst option.)
I have discovered that, more often than not, the person who makes the poor decision of suddenly changing lanes on the sidewalk is playing with their phone. So what is it that causes our internal compass to go all awry when we're looking at an object we often hold way too close to our faces? I think discovering that may be my calling in life.
The other scenario occurs when I'm quickly approaching someone from one direction, and they are walking perpendicular to my path. The person sees the rapidity of my approach, and a sudden sense of uncontrollable fear grips them, and they freeze. Now, mind you, I have determined that my path will not hit them if they proceed at their current rate of travel. So, when they freeze, all of a sudden the variables of my mental calculations have changed, and my solution is no longer valid. This causes a required swerve on my part, and, once again, I end up on the grass.
So, why am I taking the time to write this out. I intend this simply as a public service announcement to those of you who find yourself walking in areas where bicyclers share the lanes of travel.
1)Pick a target at eye level and a reasonable distance, and walk towards it. It's the same principle that they teach in driver's ed (even though you'd think that walking would be that much easier to handle since you've been doing it so much longer than driving.) Don't suddenly change lanes...you never know what's approaching from behind (unless you hear someone yelling "STOP THAT MAN." In which case, I would recommend you do all the "lane changing" that you desire.
2)If you see a biker coming in your direction, don't fear...we won't hit you. If we do, you'll just get insurance money. It's really a win-win situation, so let's overcome that fear. What do you say, patcha?
Share the sidewalks!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Innovation
Okay, I'll admit, the majority of the posts that have accumulated in this-here blog could be easily categorized as "rants," and if you have a problem with that, I would advise that you immediately avert your attention towards something that would be undoubtedly more profitable for you on a intellectual, emotion, physical, and metaphysical level. I bet you're just quaking in your boots, itching to learn what I'm going to rant about today. Well, I am pleased to to announce that you have to wait no longer.....than a short moment while I tell you a COMPLETELY UNRELATED story.
So I was at Subway today grabbing a cheap lunch, and I saw some guy who just looked trashy (judge me all you want, but I look at appearances.) He clearly had his girlfriend with him, and the thought that came to my mind (judge me) was "How would a self-respecting girl really want to be involved with someone who doesn't respect himself." (note: I could only see her from the back.) So she turned around as I was explaining this to my coworker, and I stopped mid-sentence: "Oh, well, that explains that." to everyone: take care of yourself.
So...rant: patents. That's what I'm going to talk about. Patents. Not Patients. Patents. Completely different. If you don't know the difference between patents and patients, I recommend hooked on phonics. I was even nice enough to give you the link right there. Get hooked. Studies have shown that phonics are more addictive than meth and crack COMBINED. And by studies, I mean "studies," as in, the ones I just made up right now. Actually, it'll probably talk more about litigation of patents, but I guess that works too, right?
The motivation behind this rant is thusly: when I'm at work, and I just can't seem to focus on figuring out code for any longer, I'll peruse some tech blogs. The past couple weeks, these blogs have been riddled with various accounts of companies suing other companies over things claimed as infringement of "intellectual property." Now, I'm extremely far from being a lawyer, but if I understand it properly, intellectual property is essentially an idea that has come to fruition in a tangible form. For example, if you remember from one of my first posts, I brought up an idea for a product that my friend had thought of called the "Spatchet" which is a spatula and hatchet combined to be the ultimate cooking utensil. If I were to build this, I could file for a copyright, or trademark, or a patent. So this is the general idea behind the litigation.
There is a certain company, which I will call A****...hmm, too obvious, I'll call it *pple. So this company developed a tablet device, which some of you may know as the "iPad," which millions and millions of people bought, if for no other reason than they are incapable of using rational thought. (I'm kidding. I'm sure it's a lovely device. It should model.) So this company is in the process of suing Samsung because their tablet device "breaches intellectual property." It was found today, also, that in that litigation is also contained a suit against Motorola for their tablet. Oh, and they're also suing HTC because their devices contain code which also "breaches intellectual property." There are plenty of other instances in which App...I mean, this company is attempting to remove competition. I'm not going to discuss so much the operating system suits as I am those pertaining to the tablet devices. For your information, however, Apple was granted a preliminary injunction against the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 in Germany, preventing sales of that product in any of the European Union nations.
Like I said, I'm far from a legal analyst, so there are probably many little nuances in the law that I just don't understand. I mean, there are reasons why I chose to become an Electrical Engineer....which we won't get into. Apple enthusiasts would claim that Apple is fully justified in their suit because the Samsung tablets resemble the Apple tablets to the point where if you had been drinking, and squinted JUST right, you may get them confused. I mean, their operating systems are virtually identical, right. I should note, that the patent claimed to be infringed are entirely "look and feel" patents, and not relating to the operating system (in these instances.)
The fact that the patents are being "infringed" means that the patents were granted. Here's how I picture it going down. Guy at the patent office gets the application, looks at it, studies it, thinks about it, and thinks to himself, "Yeah, okay, whatever. This will never catch on," and he approves it. I bet he's kicking himself now (the fact that I made conjecture means that it actually happened...in my mind).
But, to be honest, this could all be solved if companies like Samsung would just pull the stick out (I don't know of what), and just alter their design. I mean, what's so bad about sharp corners on a tablet any way? Or, even better, what if instead of having a back-lit LCD screen they used a projector. they could just drape a cloth over the opening and have the images project on to that. Then they could implement a Kinect-like technology and have the whole thing be worked solely through hand motions. Hmmmm....looks like I'll be making a trip to the patent office, if I do say so myself.
What I'm getting at is that this whole thing is ridiculous. I don't like Apple, but I don't hate them (2 years ago I did). Now I've come to the point where I think that anything that spurs on invention and innovation is something that should be encouraged, and it's more important that people find a device that they actually like, rather than one that other people tell them that they should like. In the official Google blog, this is what they said,
"Instead of competing by building new features or devices, they are fighting through litigation."
That's where my problem with it all lies. So what do you think?
So I was at Subway today grabbing a cheap lunch, and I saw some guy who just looked trashy (judge me all you want, but I look at appearances
So...rant: patents. That's what I'm going to talk about. Patents. Not Patients. Patents. Completely different. If you don't know the difference between patents and patients, I recommend hooked on phonics. I was even nice enough to give you the link right there. Get hooked. Studies have shown that phonics are more addictive than meth and crack COMBINED. And by studies, I mean "studies," as in, the ones I just made up right now. Actually, it'll probably talk more about litigation of patents, but I guess that works too, right?
The motivation behind this rant is thusly: when I'm at work, and I just can't seem to focus on figuring out code for any longer, I'll peruse some tech blogs. The past couple weeks, these blogs have been riddled with various accounts of companies suing other companies over things claimed as infringement of "intellectual property." Now, I'm extremely far from being a lawyer, but if I understand it properly, intellectual property is essentially an idea that has come to fruition in a tangible form. For example, if you remember from one of my first posts, I brought up an idea for a product that my friend had thought of called the "Spatchet" which is a spatula and hatchet combined to be the ultimate cooking utensil. If I were to build this, I could file for a copyright, or trademark, or a patent. So this is the general idea behind the litigation.
There is a certain company, which I will call A****...hmm, too obvious, I'll call it *pple. So this company developed a tablet device, which some of you may know as the "iPad," which millions and millions of people bought, if for no other reason than they are incapable of using rational thought. (I'm kidding. I'm sure it's a lovely device. It should model.) So this company is in the process of suing Samsung because their tablet device "breaches intellectual property." It was found today, also, that in that litigation is also contained a suit against Motorola for their tablet. Oh, and they're also suing HTC because their devices contain code which also "breaches intellectual property." There are plenty of other instances in which App...I mean, this company is attempting to remove competition. I'm not going to discuss so much the operating system suits as I am those pertaining to the tablet devices. For your information, however, Apple was granted a preliminary injunction against the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 in Germany, preventing sales of that product in any of the European Union nations.
Like I said, I'm far from a legal analyst, so there are probably many little nuances in the law that I just don't understand. I mean, there are reasons why I chose to become an Electrical Engineer....which we won't get into. Apple enthusiasts would claim that Apple is fully justified in their suit because the Samsung tablets resemble the Apple tablets to the point where if you had been drinking, and squinted JUST right, you may get them confused. I mean, their operating systems are virtually identical, right. I should note, that the patent claimed to be infringed are entirely "look and feel" patents, and not relating to the operating system (in these instances.)
The fact that the patents are being "infringed" means that the patents were granted. Here's how I picture it going down. Guy at the patent office gets the application, looks at it, studies it, thinks about it, and thinks to himself, "Yeah, okay, whatever. This will never catch on," and he approves it. I bet he's kicking himself now (the fact that I made conjecture means that it actually happened...in my mind).
But, to be honest, this could all be solved if companies like Samsung would just pull the stick out (I don't know of what), and just alter their design. I mean, what's so bad about sharp corners on a tablet any way? Or, even better, what if instead of having a back-lit LCD screen they used a projector. they could just drape a cloth over the opening and have the images project on to that. Then they could implement a Kinect-like technology and have the whole thing be worked solely through hand motions. Hmmmm....looks like I'll be making a trip to the patent office, if I do say so myself.
What I'm getting at is that this whole thing is ridiculous. I don't like Apple, but I don't hate them (2 years ago I did). Now I've come to the point where I think that anything that spurs on invention and innovation is something that should be encouraged, and it's more important that people find a device that they actually like, rather than one that other people tell them that they should like. In the official Google blog, this is what they said,
"Instead of competing by building new features or devices, they are fighting through litigation."
That's where my problem with it all lies. So what do you think?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Demon Infested
Let's just get straight to this. I've had something happen to me in the past week that has never happened before. Long story short, my voice is absolutely gone. Like....gone gone. Typically, in the past when my voice was damaged, it would simply drop in pitch. So, instead of hearing my typically semi-whiny, tenor voice, those around me had the privilege of being soothed by my melodic, Barry White-esque tones. This time, however, the sound production took a sabbatical for an undisclosed amount of time (yes, it's undisclosed. Despite my frequent entreaties to determine the length of its absence, it has yet to respond. I blame that on irresponsibility...or possibly an inability to hear those entreaties.) Because this has never happened to me before, I'm going to share the evolution of such an experience as well as some fun experiences I've had in the mean time (note: I use the term FUN very liberally both in this post and in my personal life. You've been warned.)
It all started Saturday, the 30th of April. I arrived home after enjoying some friend time at about 10 p.m. because I wasn't feeling super great, and I commenced watching some TV show...or something. Well, the coughing started, which prevented my efforts to sleep, so what did I do? Looked at computer components. Yes, the same activity that anyone in their right mind would engage themselves in (As a side note, if you're looking to upgrade computer components, make sure you check compatibility, otherwise the purchase of one item will necessitate the purchase of another, and so on and so forth, and eventually there goes your paycheck.) Eventually, around 3 a.m. I was able to sleep, however, much to my chagrin, I woke up the next morning (the waking up was to my chagrin...on second thought, that makes it sound like I have some sort of death wish, which I don't. Pfff. Pffsh. . Anyway.) Generally speaking, when I wake up, I let out some sort of noise (let your imagination run wild). That day, it was a groan of sorts. I noticed immediately that my efforts to produce sound were hampered by something; I don't know what. (Another side note, being an engineering major, I find that whenever I feel to use a semi-colon, it's basically a leap of faith. And they say my generation is disbelieving and faithless.) As the day progressed, I found I was able to produce lower pitched sounds, but not in the same way as times past (refer to first paragraph if you're confused). I had to consciously make an effort to lower my voice to make any noise, which just wasn't going to work considering how lazy I am. So, whenever I would speak, I would produce some sort of demonic sound that has hints of human speech mixed with voided nothingness. So, that's where I am now. (This explanation was far longer than I expected, but you know how when I start rambling I just kind of go on and on and on and on. If you don't know that, learn it quick...or else (this is not a threat. I have to make sure I say that for legal
reasons) <---Rambling. Case and point.)
The funny things that happened probably won't be funny unless you either visualize them happening to me, or you put yourself in my shoes and imagine how you would react should it happen to you. First thing: I don't know if my parents have short-term memory loss, or if they were intentionally toying with me, but I think that they started asking me more questions when my voice was gone. So I would be walking through the room in which they were, they would ask me a question, and I just had to stop, look at them and shake my head. Funny, right? Right? Okay, moving on. I was at work today. Someone was calling me...no one ever calls me, let alone while I'm at work. As a note (yes, another note), whenever I see someone is calling me, the first thing that goes through my mind is "does [insert callers name here] know they're calling me? I bet it's just a butt-dial." And then I have to evaluate whether or not I should answer. Typically, if I don't answer, I wait to see if they leave a message. If they do leave a message, I know their call was intentional, and I'll return it promptly. That's just for you to note should you ever call me.) Where was I? Ah, yes. Phone call at work. So I looked at my phone to see if I recognized the number. I don't know why I thought that...ever since the introduction of cellular phones, my desire to memorize phone numbers has simply gone to something that's really small. Anyway, I picked up the phone. Here's the conversation as could be overheard:
Me: " "
Person: "hello?"
Me:
Turns out my short-term memory might not be great as I forgot my voice was gone. Silly me. The third thing that's funny is thusly: I sing...a lot. Whenever I'm alone, I'm singing (unless I'm playing video games...because at that point my focus is very intently...focused...elsewhere.) I get home from work, and I'm listening to a song that has some sort of rousing chorus. So the verse ends, a brief stop, and as I attempt to join in on the chorus, nothing happens. What the...oh yeah. Try it sometime, you'll laugh too, except you will have a voice and you'll sing, which probably will lose all the humor. So, on second though, don't try it.
So yeah, I bet this post was one long "had to be there" type situations, or recounting of situations. Whatever. Die (don't actually....again, for legal purposes.)
As ANOTHER note, I realize that the pictures in the post have absolutely nothing to do with the post itself. I'm just getting bored with purely text-based posts, and I figured a few pictures would spice things up, even if they were irrelevant. What do you think? Good idea? Ptsh. What do you know...
...also, I have no idea what's in that Magic Eye photo, so don't get mad at me if it's, for some reason, vulgar...or vulcan.
It all started Saturday, the 30th of April. I arrived home after enjoying some friend time at about 10 p.m. because I wasn't feeling super great, and I commenced watching some TV show...or something. Well, the coughing started, which prevented my efforts to sleep, so what did I do? Looked at computer components. Yes, the same activity that anyone in their right mind would engage themselves in (As a side note, if you're looking to upgrade computer components, make sure you check compatibility, otherwise the purchase of one item will necessitate the purchase of another, and so on and so forth, and eventually there goes your paycheck.) Eventually, around 3 a.m. I was able to sleep, however, much to my chagrin, I woke up the next morning (the waking up was to my chagrin...on second thought, that makes it sound like I have some sort of death wish, which I don't. Pfff. Pffsh. 
reasons) <---Rambling. Case and point.)The funny things that happened probably won't be funny unless you either visualize them happening to me, or you put yourself in my shoes and imagine how you would react should it happen to you. First thing: I don't know if my parents have short-term memory loss, or if they were intentionally toying with me, but I think that they started asking me more questions when my voice was gone. So I would be walking through the room in which they were, they would ask me a question, and I just had to stop, look at them and shake my head. Funny, right? Right? Okay, moving on. I was at work today. Someone was calling me...no one ever calls me, let alone while I'm at work. As a note (yes, another note), whenever I see someone is calling me, the first thing that goes through my mind is "does [insert callers name here] know they're calling me? I bet it's just a butt-dial." And then I have to evaluate whether or not I should answer. Typically, if I don't answer, I wait to see if they leave a message. If they do leave a message, I know their call was intentional, and I'll return it promptly. That's just for you to note should you ever call me.) Where was I? Ah, yes. Phone call at work. So I looked at my phone to see if I recognized the number. I don't know why I thought that...ever since the introduction of cellular phones, my desire to memorize phone numbers has simply gone to something that's really small. Anyway, I picked up the phone. Here's the conversation as could be overheard:
Me: " "
Person: "hello?"
Me:
Turns out my short-term memory might not be great as I forgot my voice was gone. Silly me. The third thing that's funny is thusly: I sing...a lot. Whenever I'm alone, I'm singing (unless I'm playing video games...because at that point my focus is very intently...focused...elsewhere.) I get home from work, and I'm listening to a song that has some sort of rousing chorus. So the verse ends, a brief stop, and as I attempt to join in on the chorus, nothing happens. What the...oh yeah. Try it sometime, you'll laugh too, except you will have a voice and you'll sing, which probably will lose all the humor. So, on second though, don't try it.
As ANOTHER note, I realize that the pictures in the post have absolutely nothing to do with the post itself. I'm just getting bored with purely text-based posts, and I figured a few pictures would spice things up, even if they were irrelevant. What do you think? Good idea? Ptsh. What do you know...
...also, I have no idea what's in that Magic Eye photo, so don't get mad at me if it's, for some reason, vulgar...or vulcan.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Wait...what?
Today I wanted to discuss something that has come up for me on quite the regular basis. It is a trait I possess which, in my opinion, can often come off in a way that is not intended. Those who know me well know about it, but it's often the people who I don't know with whom I get in trouble for it. This is the trait of memory. I'm going to be discussing how this trait affects me in both a social and an academic level.
I have some friends who said that they can, in the future, see me working as the guy who stands by a high-ranking politician, telling them the name of the individual who they are about to speak. You know, the guy that stands next to (insert politician's name), and when some weird looking lady walks up to him, just before he whispers "this is Lady Henrity von Hamstead, son of the famous Duke von Hamstead of northern Belgium. He invented the waffle iron." And then the politician can then address the person specifically, and the lady feels good because the politician "remembered" her. Now, I have to say, if I were to ever do that, I probably wouldn't be able to keep the job long, and this is why: the lady would walk up, and I'd say "This is Lady (blah blah blah), she's the daughter of (blah blah blah) and she's currently having intimate relations with your son." And then the politician would be all mad and start blowin' stuff up...like in the movies, and then I'd get blamed for some sort of international incident. At least it would give me another item to throw on my resume. "Causes international incidents." I hear a lot of employers are looking for that these days.
Anyway, let's get back to my original intentions. Here's how this affects me on a social level. I overhear someone talking about someone else. I quickly put some pieces of a puzzle together in my head and am able to associate a name with a face. I see this person at a social event, say something to her (yes, let's be honest, 90% of the time it'll be a her. I don't see a ton of value, in my current setting, in remembering a bunch of dudes' names), and then she'll be like "what's your name?" I'll respond, and I'll say "You're ______, right?" And she'll get all creeped out and file a restraining order. All because I remember things and make connections quickly. Is there justice in the world? No. Well, sometimes. I think you'd be surprised how often this happens, except I've learned. If I know the person's name in any other way than from direct, personal contact, dont' tell the person I know the name. The situation above would be more like this: "what's your name?" "Ben, what's yours? Because...I....totally...don't know it...already." And then an awkward silence follows, and I ride off into the sunset. Don't believe me? Well, it's science.
Moving on to academics: I'm fairly confident that most academics are not necessarily designed to gauge someone's pure intellect, but they're more specifically designed to test the memory. Some might argue that they're directly connected. To that, I would respond "You're a witch!" and then burn you at the stake. Let that be a lesson to you. Don't connect unconnected scientific principles.
I'm firmly convinced that the only reason I do remotely well in my classes is because of my memory. I don't read text books. Period. Sure, I look at them, but that's about it. I gain as much information doing that as a bank teller would from cashing a check. Don't worry, the analogy didn't make sense to me either, but the meaning is still the same (Ben, you numskull, how can you relate something to an analogy that you don't even know the meaning of and say it means the same thing as something else? -- See what I did there? I took away your argument and made it myself. That's just good poetry. No, that's not poetry at all. Get a job.) But seriously, people, memory - good.
In closing, I just want to say a few things. First off, I'm crazy tired, so I'll probably read this entry another day and be firmly convinced I was on some sort of...drug. But I'm not, other than the drug of too much sun exposure, which isn't a drug (I hope.) Secondly, here's my advice: if you want to improve your memory, get a brain implant. I hear they're doing those these days. If that doesn't work, literally stare at any box of food and start memorizing nutrition facts. Sure, it may not be directly applicable to anything you'll ever need to recall, but then again, it might. That's all I'm trying to say.
If you're still reading this, well, I just don't know what to say to you...
I have some friends who said that they can, in the future, see me working as the guy who stands by a high-ranking politician, telling them the name of the individual who they are about to speak. You know, the guy that stands next to (insert politician's name), and when some weird looking lady walks up to him, just before he whispers "this is Lady Henrity von Hamstead, son of the famous Duke von Hamstead of northern Belgium. He invented the waffle iron." And then the politician can then address the person specifically, and the lady feels good because the politician "remembered" her. Now, I have to say, if I were to ever do that, I probably wouldn't be able to keep the job long, and this is why: the lady would walk up, and I'd say "This is Lady (blah blah blah), she's the daughter of (blah blah blah) and she's currently having intimate relations with your son." And then the politician would be all mad and start blowin' stuff up...like in the movies, and then I'd get blamed for some sort of international incident. At least it would give me another item to throw on my resume. "Causes international incidents." I hear a lot of employers are looking for that these days.
Anyway, let's get back to my original intentions. Here's how this affects me on a social level. I overhear someone talking about someone else. I quickly put some pieces of a puzzle together in my head and am able to associate a name with a face. I see this person at a social event, say something to her (yes, let's be honest, 90% of the time it'll be a her. I don't see a ton of value, in my current setting, in remembering a bunch of dudes' names), and then she'll be like "what's your name?" I'll respond, and I'll say "You're ______, right?" And she'll get all creeped out and file a restraining order. All because I remember things and make connections quickly. Is there justice in the world? No. Well, sometimes. I think you'd be surprised how often this happens, except I've learned. If I know the person's name in any other way than from direct, personal contact, dont' tell the person I know the name. The situation above would be more like this: "what's your name?" "Ben, what's yours? Because...I....totally...don't know it...already." And then an awkward silence follows, and I ride off into the sunset. Don't believe me? Well, it's science.
Moving on to academics: I'm fairly confident that most academics are not necessarily designed to gauge someone's pure intellect, but they're more specifically designed to test the memory. Some might argue that they're directly connected. To that, I would respond "You're a witch!" and then burn you at the stake. Let that be a lesson to you. Don't connect unconnected scientific principles.
I'm firmly convinced that the only reason I do remotely well in my classes is because of my memory. I don't read text books. Period. Sure, I look at them, but that's about it. I gain as much information doing that as a bank teller would from cashing a check. Don't worry, the analogy didn't make sense to me either, but the meaning is still the same (Ben, you numskull, how can you relate something to an analogy that you don't even know the meaning of and say it means the same thing as something else? -- See what I did there? I took away your argument and made it myself. That's just good poetry. No, that's not poetry at all. Get a job.) But seriously, people, memory - good.
In closing, I just want to say a few things. First off, I'm crazy tired, so I'll probably read this entry another day and be firmly convinced I was on some sort of...drug. But I'm not, other than the drug of too much sun exposure, which isn't a drug (I hope.) Secondly, here's my advice: if you want to improve your memory, get a brain implant. I hear they're doing those these days. If that doesn't work, literally stare at any box of food and start memorizing nutrition facts. Sure, it may not be directly applicable to anything you'll ever need to recall, but then again, it might. That's all I'm trying to say.
If you're still reading this, well, I just don't know what to say to you...
Monday, June 28, 2010
Onomatpoeiaeiuouieaopum
In life, there are many things that separate men from women. Many hours have been spent in the process of discovering them, and, in some cases, neutralizing them. I'm of the opinion that it's the differences in the roles of men and women that make the whole system work. Sure, this opinion is largely influenced by religion, but I can't help but apply some of the most logical resources and examples to influence that as well (I'm not going to go into any detail about which resources and examples I'm refering to, partly because that would be a waste of words, and secondly because if I don't cite sources it's a lot easi...harder to prove it wrong.) Now, I'm not intending to offend any, as I understand that certain aspects of the men v. women argument have been known to get a wee bit heated. My purpose in writing this is to simply raise awareness of a lesser known, although not any less important, difference between the two: the ability to make sound effects.
One of the my favorite party games, I have found, goes a little something like this:
Me: Hey, (girl's name), do your best impression of an explosion.
Girl: No, I'm nervous. (After some pushing). Ok. pkhhhhhh. (or boom). (Now, if you've never done this, you won't know how it sounds, so I advise you go out and perform this little experiment. In the rare occurrence that a girl does make a legitmate explosion sound, either marry her on the spot or begin running far, far away. Your choice.)
Naturally, the woman will want to make the guy do the same sound effect, in which he'll say something like this: pchhhewehhehheheeh. Something like that. Just start making the 'kh' sound and include a lot of back-throated phlegm and you should be good.
Now, I don't know if there's any sure-fire scientific explanation as to why males can typically make sound effects better than women. Perhaps it stems largely from the upbringing, given that males tend to gravitate towards a certain type of video game (or video games at all), while the girls are developing social skills or some other useless personality trait. I don't know if it has anything to do with a level of imagination which a young'un develops. I don't know if it has anything to do with how influenced a child is by "the streets." Perhaps it's just one of the anomalies in life (like how they get those BUBBLES INTO SODA!)
Personally, I'm inclined to believe it's simply a matter of exposure and mimicry. It's fairly obvious that if you know what a gun shot sounds like, your chances of recreating it increase dramatically. So, if you have been somewhere where gun shots abound, you could recreate them. Now, I'm not saying that if you're around a lot of gunfire, you, too, should fire guns...especially not at other people. Murder is bad. I just need to get that out of my system.
So if you, or anyone you know, has a desire to expand their ability to recreate certain noises, exposure is the best option. Put gun shot noises on your iPod and listen to them while at work. Heck, even practice a little. Sure, people might think you're going crazy, but it's entirely possible that they thought that anyway. Science says that the most fundamental sound effect for one to learn is the gun shot. Everything else stems from there. Just remember me in thirty years when you're doing it for a living...because I'll probably still be sitting...right here...writing about sound effects again.
One of the my favorite party games, I have found, goes a little something like this:
Me: Hey, (girl's name), do your best impression of an explosion.
Girl: No, I'm nervous. (After some pushing). Ok. pkhhhhhh. (or boom). (Now, if you've never done this, you won't know how it sounds, so I advise you go out and perform this little experiment. In the rare occurrence that a girl does make a legitmate explosion sound, either marry her on the spot or begin running far, far away. Your choice.)
Naturally, the woman will want to make the guy do the same sound effect, in which he'll say something like this: pchhhewehhehheheeh. Something like that. Just start making the 'kh' sound and include a lot of back-throated phlegm and you should be good.
Now, I don't know if there's any sure-fire scientific explanation as to why males can typically make sound effects better than women. Perhaps it stems largely from the upbringing, given that males tend to gravitate towards a certain type of video game (or video games at all), while the girls are developing social skills or some other useless personality trait. I don't know if it has anything to do with a level of imagination which a young'un develops. I don't know if it has anything to do with how influenced a child is by "the streets." Perhaps it's just one of the anomalies in life (like how they get those BUBBLES INTO SODA!)
Personally, I'm inclined to believe it's simply a matter of exposure and mimicry. It's fairly obvious that if you know what a gun shot sounds like, your chances of recreating it increase dramatically. So, if you have been somewhere where gun shots abound, you could recreate them. Now, I'm not saying that if you're around a lot of gunfire, you, too, should fire guns...especially not at other people. Murder is bad. I just need to get that out of my system.
So if you, or anyone you know, has a desire to expand their ability to recreate certain noises, exposure is the best option. Put gun shot noises on your iPod and listen to them while at work. Heck, even practice a little. Sure, people might think you're going crazy, but it's entirely possible that they thought that anyway. Science says that the most fundamental sound effect for one to learn is the gun shot. Everything else stems from there. Just remember me in thirty years when you're doing it for a living...because I'll probably still be sitting...right here...writing about sound effects again.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Fall of Rome
Yeah, right. Like I would actually write about a real topic.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about "coolness," or what would more aptly be termed "perceived coolness." Maybe it started with my 11th grade physics lecture on the Theory or Relativity, and how in most cases there isn't an absolute (at first, that may seem like an incomplete sentence, but I assure you that it was intentional.) Now, I understand that there are people out there who are firmly committed to the supposed fact that they're "cool," or "the bee's knees" (a saying that has always confused me. I mean, think about it. Knees? Do bees have knees? If so, why are they so cool? Maybe only a certain group of bees have knees, which is why they're so desirable, but I digress.) I'm going to spend this post discussing the factors that seem to determine "coolness," and how I think they should change.
For the most part, I think coolness is determined by the factor that is the fact that a smaller group of the mass has something, some possession, that is not had by the masses, which causes envy amongst the general public. For example, think of the first guy to have a toothbrush. I don't know about you, but if I was having to somehow engineer a way to maintain oral hygiene, and I saw some guy with a toothbrush, I would basically kill for it. In fact, I would probably kill him with the toothbrush he was waving in my face. "Not so cool now, is it, jerk!?" But who knows what kind of blood feuds that could start. I imagine that the downfall of the Incan empire was actually caused that way. It's just science. That's all I'm saying.
There's one aspect of the defintion I've stated above that I don't really understand, however, and that revolves around what people call "smarts." Obviously, not everyone has them. Heh. Yeah, definitely not everyone has them. If you don't believe me (for some really, really strange reason), just...go talk to someone. Chances are they're dumb, but that also runs the risk of you being dumb (not saying you are), and you, then, wouldn't pick up on it. STUPID! (What's in the box?) I'm not trying to say that I don't understand why everyone isn't smart. Between drugs, MTV, and Twilight, I can see how some people are just dumbed down by these influences(I couldn't resist, but seriously, people, I don't care how attractive they are claimed to be, they're bad actors. BOVERED!) What I don't get is how being smart became uncool. Now, I've dwelled on this subject for a while before, and I imagine it went a little something like this: A guy marries a girl, the guy gets a good job which requires him to spend a fair amount of time researching and studying and what not, so the girl gets a little neglected. In turn, the girl finds another guy who doesn't read, or research, or...think, to fill the void. The first guy and girl get a divorce, the second guy and girl get married. The first guy gets depressed, drinks himself to death, and at the funeral the old wife says, "Drinking yourself to death? Not cool." The girl was Mrs. Butterworth, the second man was Mr. Freeze, and the first man was Mr. Freeze's nerdy older brother Phil (Obviously Mrs. Butterworth kept her maiden name after the marriage for marketing reasons). And there you have it. From that point on, smartness was associated with being uncool. You may have a hard time picking up the connection, but it's there. Just dig deeper. I speak in parables.
It's also entirely possible that those who are prone to excessive social interaction were labeled with the title of "cool," simply because they were around people TO label them. I mean, I can spend as much time around my computer, but it's not going to just randomly say, "Hey, man, you're really cool!" Sure, I could program it to do that, but then it would just seem forced, you know? It's kind of like if you tell someone that you enjoy they're company, and then they immediately say that they like your company as well. It just seems forced.
So, in turn, I propose we abandon these supposed stereotypes of what coolness is. I mean, dude from Bountiful, your popped collar and gelled hair may make you think you're cool, but you're actually just a tool. I don't care how much time you spend tanning and how much your sun glasses cost, you're still a tool. Oh yeah? You have an iPhone? I hate to break it to you, but your iPhone won't stand a chance against my Android (this time I'm referring to the robot.) Hey, is there a defibrillator app? Oh, that sucks. Your heart stopped, and I rule the world. Who's cool now?
I've spent a lot of time thinking about "coolness," or what would more aptly be termed "perceived coolness." Maybe it started with my 11th grade physics lecture on the Theory or Relativity, and how in most cases there isn't an absolute (at first, that may seem like an incomplete sentence, but I assure you that it was intentional.) Now, I understand that there are people out there who are firmly committed to the supposed fact that they're "cool," or "the bee's knees" (a saying that has always confused me. I mean, think about it. Knees? Do bees have knees? If so, why are they so cool? Maybe only a certain group of bees have knees, which is why they're so desirable, but I digress.) I'm going to spend this post discussing the factors that seem to determine "coolness," and how I think they should change.
For the most part, I think coolness is determined by the factor that is the fact that a smaller group of the mass has something, some possession, that is not had by the masses, which causes envy amongst the general public. For example, think of the first guy to have a toothbrush. I don't know about you, but if I was having to somehow engineer a way to maintain oral hygiene, and I saw some guy with a toothbrush, I would basically kill for it. In fact, I would probably kill him with the toothbrush he was waving in my face. "Not so cool now, is it, jerk!?" But who knows what kind of blood feuds that could start. I imagine that the downfall of the Incan empire was actually caused that way. It's just science. That's all I'm saying.
There's one aspect of the defintion I've stated above that I don't really understand, however, and that revolves around what people call "smarts." Obviously, not everyone has them. Heh. Yeah, definitely not everyone has them. If you don't believe me (for some really, really strange reason), just...go talk to someone. Chances are they're dumb, but that also runs the risk of you being dumb (not saying you are), and you, then, wouldn't pick up on it. STUPID! (What's in the box?) I'm not trying to say that I don't understand why everyone isn't smart. Between drugs, MTV, and Twilight, I can see how some people are just dumbed down by these influences(I couldn't resist, but seriously, people, I don't care how attractive they are claimed to be, they're bad actors. BOVERED!) What I don't get is how being smart became uncool. Now, I've dwelled on this subject for a while before, and I imagine it went a little something like this: A guy marries a girl, the guy gets a good job which requires him to spend a fair amount of time researching and studying and what not, so the girl gets a little neglected. In turn, the girl finds another guy who doesn't read, or research, or...think, to fill the void. The first guy and girl get a divorce, the second guy and girl get married. The first guy gets depressed, drinks himself to death, and at the funeral the old wife says, "Drinking yourself to death? Not cool." The girl was Mrs. Butterworth, the second man was Mr. Freeze, and the first man was Mr. Freeze's nerdy older brother Phil (Obviously Mrs. Butterworth kept her maiden name after the marriage for marketing reasons). And there you have it. From that point on, smartness was associated with being uncool. You may have a hard time picking up the connection, but it's there. Just dig deeper. I speak in parables.
It's also entirely possible that those who are prone to excessive social interaction were labeled with the title of "cool," simply because they were around people TO label them. I mean, I can spend as much time around my computer, but it's not going to just randomly say, "Hey, man, you're really cool!" Sure, I could program it to do that, but then it would just seem forced, you know? It's kind of like if you tell someone that you enjoy they're company, and then they immediately say that they like your company as well. It just seems forced.
So, in turn, I propose we abandon these supposed stereotypes of what coolness is. I mean, dude from Bountiful, your popped collar and gelled hair may make you think you're cool, but you're actually just a tool. I don't care how much time you spend tanning and how much your sun glasses cost, you're still a tool. Oh yeah? You have an iPhone? I hate to break it to you, but your iPhone won't stand a chance against my Android (this time I'm referring to the robot.) Hey, is there a defibrillator app? Oh, that sucks. Your heart stopped, and I rule the world. Who's cool now?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Attack of the Six Strings
Throughout my many days of observing things (Turns out I've been doing it basically since birth, or so I'm told), there's one thing whose frequency and intensity seems to undulate in varying degrees as the years pass. I don't know if these frequencies are intensified by cosmic rays, interstellar motion, or even just in proportion to Oprah's weight (OH SNAP!), but I cannot deny its existence. In fact, anyone who has any grasp on reality should be fully aware of this phenomenon. To explain what it is, first let me outline a situation:
A group of individuals are hanging out at a house. Typically, every group of friends has what seem to be the stereotypical personality types. There's the shy one, the loud one, the sarcastic one (often termed the mean one, although I don't see what math has to do with this), the ugly one (yeah, we all know who you are), the nerdy one (in my friends, we all fit that type), the flirt, and then there's the last guy, the one about whom I'm going to spend the rest of my time speaking. We all know one. I like to label him as the "Guitar Guy."
I don't mean for anyone to misunderstand. I have nothing against the instrument, and I'm sure that the majority of people who learn to play the guitar learn to do it simply because they love the instrument. Also, girls are exempt from this stereotype, but I'll explain why later. I'm talking about the guy who goes out of his way to play the guitar, and we all know he's not doing it for "love of the instrument." Some may argue, "You're just bitter because you can't do it." No. You're wrong. I could do it if I wanted to. Sure, it would take a while to learn, but I don't have any desire to learn it. I'm perfectly content just mediocre...ly singing along with awesome songs from the 80's like "Rio" and "Total Eclipse of the Heart," and making stupid jokes, and...being labeled as "awkward."
As further clarification to whom I'm referring when I talk about these types of people, I'm going to go through a fairly common social scenario. I'm going to show how most people would act, and then I'll contrast it with how this person acts. Here goes.
Friend 1: Hey, what should we do tonight?
Friend 2: I don't know. It's really cold outside, so I don't really want to...go...outside.
Friend 1: We could go sledding or something. Is there snow anywhere?
Friend 2: Yeah, but that's outside. Find me an indoor hill, and I'm all over it. Heck, if you can find an indoor hill, I will personally grind up ice for us to sled on.
Friend 1: You're a dork. I don't know. Are there any good movies out?
Friend 3: Hey, where's your guitar?
Friend 1: I...don't...have one...
Friend 3: Oh, good thing I always carry mine with me in my car, you know, because I don't have anything to put into a conversation.
Friend 1: Yeah, ok. So any good movies?
Friend 2: I heard that one with (insert famous actor here) is pr....
Friend 3: Strum. I'm your...Strum. Hold on guys, I got it. Strum. Strum. Wait, no, no, this is it. Strum.
Girl 1: Oh I love that song!
Friend 1 to Friend 2: How the crap can this chick even know what the heck he's playing?
Okay, I admit that this is a bit of an exaggeration. And, to be frank, if situations occurred like this, I think I would be okay with it. But I think it highlights several important aspects of how it occurs. Recently I had a conversation with a friend about this subject. I would like to quote him here.
"What bugs me most about the guitar scene. Is everyone is about at the same level. That level being the "crap" level. Like I can play a couple chords and know some struming techniques. But rare is the really good guitarist. And I always feel that one should be asked to play. We don't want volunteers. I mean I'm average at the Kazoo, but you don't see me whipping that out at camp fires. At least not untill I'm asked. And i know, FOR A FACT, that (name deleted) isn't half bad at the rythm block, but you wouldn't know it from him."
Well said, my friend. I can, however, seeing several arguments stemming from this topic. Some may say that it would be wrong for them not to play. Granted, we aren't supposed to "hide our talents," but at the same time, we're not supposed to drop our talents in front of the homeless people just to show them that we have some. It's a delicate balance. Also, some might argue that they just love playing the guitar. Here's my counter argument: how about you develop a personality. I mean, sure, you may get the girls at first. But eventually you'll run out of songs to sing and actually have to talk to her. What are you going to do then? Hmmm? I would say that there's a time and a season for everything. Hanging out in a big group is the time for honing your social skills, developing relationships with those who you're around by interacting, and not for becoming some distorted, new-age pied piper, trying to lure away unsuspecting 18 or 19 year old women.
As I promised, here's why women are immune to this classification of social injustice (yes, I know there's nothing unjust...injust (ingest?) about this.) Women don't rely on guitars to impress guys. In fact, women know that it's not the way to go, unless you're really going for someone who's "in touch with his feelings." If that's your kind of man, just go down to the library and look for the kid with eyeliner and who's writing in his journal. I'm pretty sure he's "in touch" with everything...but reality. Anyway, women know that the way to go about impressing a guy is by talking about sports, or being good at video games, or making them food (sure, it may be stereotypical, but I'm fairly confident it would work with 98% of the guys I know), and not by playing guitar (although, in some cases, it may just work out for you. But if you decide to go that route, you may as well throw in some steak to be safe.)
I understand that this post probably sounds a bit bitter. I guess it depends on the day (you know...manic-depressive). But seriously, if you're one of the guitar players, I have nothing against you playing the guitar. Heck, develop your own fan club for all I care, complete with groupies and...snacks...and meetings, but, please, for all the rest of our sanities' sake (I've never had to pluralize sanity before), just go into a different room (or jump off a bridge). As much as I like having slightly less-than-good background music in all my conversations, I don't think it would take away from the experience as a whole if it were to simply...vanish.
A group of individuals are hanging out at a house. Typically, every group of friends has what seem to be the stereotypical personality types. There's the shy one, the loud one, the sarcastic one (often termed the mean one, although I don't see what math has to do with this), the ugly one (yeah, we all know who you are), the nerdy one (in my friends, we all fit that type), the flirt, and then there's the last guy, the one about whom I'm going to spend the rest of my time speaking. We all know one. I like to label him as the "Guitar Guy."
I don't mean for anyone to misunderstand. I have nothing against the instrument, and I'm sure that the majority of people who learn to play the guitar learn to do it simply because they love the instrument. Also, girls are exempt from this stereotype, but I'll explain why later. I'm talking about the guy who goes out of his way to play the guitar, and we all know he's not doing it for "love of the instrument." Some may argue, "You're just bitter because you can't do it." No. You're wrong. I could do it if I wanted to. Sure, it would take a while to learn, but I don't have any desire to learn it. I'm perfectly content just mediocre...ly singing along with awesome songs from the 80's like "Rio" and "Total Eclipse of the Heart," and making stupid jokes, and...being labeled as "awkward."
As further clarification to whom I'm referring when I talk about these types of people, I'm going to go through a fairly common social scenario. I'm going to show how most people would act, and then I'll contrast it with how this person acts. Here goes.
Friend 1: Hey, what should we do tonight?
Friend 2: I don't know. It's really cold outside, so I don't really want to...go...outside.
Friend 1: We could go sledding or something. Is there snow anywhere?
Friend 2: Yeah, but that's outside. Find me an indoor hill, and I'm all over it. Heck, if you can find an indoor hill, I will personally grind up ice for us to sled on.
Friend 1: You're a dork. I don't know. Are there any good movies out?
Friend 3: Hey, where's your guitar?
Friend 1: I...don't...have one...
Friend 3: Oh, good thing I always carry mine with me in my car, you know, because I don't have anything to put into a conversation.
Friend 1: Yeah, ok. So any good movies?
Friend 2: I heard that one with (insert famous actor here) is pr....
Friend 3: Strum. I'm your...Strum. Hold on guys, I got it. Strum. Strum. Wait, no, no, this is it. Strum.
Girl 1: Oh I love that song!
Friend 1 to Friend 2: How the crap can this chick even know what the heck he's playing?
Okay, I admit that this is a bit of an exaggeration. And, to be frank, if situations occurred like this, I think I would be okay with it. But I think it highlights several important aspects of how it occurs. Recently I had a conversation with a friend about this subject. I would like to quote him here.
"What bugs me most about the guitar scene. Is everyone is about at the same level. That level being the "crap" level. Like I can play a couple chords and know some struming techniques. But rare is the really good guitarist. And I always feel that one should be asked to play. We don't want volunteers. I mean I'm average at the Kazoo, but you don't see me whipping that out at camp fires. At least not untill I'm asked. And i know, FOR A FACT, that (name deleted) isn't half bad at the rythm block, but you wouldn't know it from him."
Well said, my friend. I can, however, seeing several arguments stemming from this topic. Some may say that it would be wrong for them not to play. Granted, we aren't supposed to "hide our talents," but at the same time, we're not supposed to drop our talents in front of the homeless people just to show them that we have some. It's a delicate balance. Also, some might argue that they just love playing the guitar. Here's my counter argument: how about you develop a personality. I mean, sure, you may get the girls at first. But eventually you'll run out of songs to sing and actually have to talk to her. What are you going to do then? Hmmm? I would say that there's a time and a season for everything. Hanging out in a big group is the time for honing your social skills, developing relationships with those who you're around by interacting, and not for becoming some distorted, new-age pied piper, trying to lure away unsuspecting 18 or 19 year old women.
As I promised, here's why women are immune to this classification of social injustice (yes, I know there's nothing unjust...injust (ingest?) about this.) Women don't rely on guitars to impress guys. In fact, women know that it's not the way to go, unless you're really going for someone who's "in touch with his feelings." If that's your kind of man, just go down to the library and look for the kid with eyeliner and who's writing in his journal. I'm pretty sure he's "in touch" with everything...but reality. Anyway, women know that the way to go about impressing a guy is by talking about sports, or being good at video games, or making them food (sure, it may be stereotypical, but I'm fairly confident it would work with 98% of the guys I know), and not by playing guitar (although, in some cases, it may just work out for you. But if you decide to go that route, you may as well throw in some steak to be safe.)
I understand that this post probably sounds a bit bitter. I guess it depends on the day (you know...manic-depressive). But seriously, if you're one of the guitar players, I have nothing against you playing the guitar. Heck, develop your own fan club for all I care, complete with groupies and...snacks...and meetings, but, please, for all the rest of our sanities' sake (I've never had to pluralize sanity before), just go into a different room (or jump off a bridge). As much as I like having slightly less-than-good background music in all my conversations, I don't think it would take away from the experience as a whole if it were to simply...vanish.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Summer...thyme?
Yes, I along with everyone in the techno-frenzied world, am dedicating a post to the coming of Summer (sometimes I wish that phrase took on a more feminine meaning. And just so we're clear, I didn't mean that the world is crazy about digital beats and high pitched screetching noises, coupled digitally modified one-liners--you know, techno music--but about technology. I guess it would have been a lot easier for me to say that straight up, but where's the fun in that? Also, I like pie.) A lot of people are probably spending their time writing about the sun and warmth and the beach. Sure, those things are nice and all, but they're not the reason for which I'm writing this post. I am intendning to dedicate this post specifically to one of the lesser known wonders of summer. I call it: Kool-Aid. I have also just been informed that that's what everyone else calls it too, but I don't think that detracts from the unheralded wonders contained therein.
Before I begin, I recognize that Kool-Aid isn't a Summer drink, per se. It's equally as delicious during the winter times, but I don't think I would be too far off when I assume that the majority of people in this techno-frenzied world (that time I did mean the music) would generally associate it with Summer time.
What is it that makes this liquid refreshment so...refreshmenting? It's possible that it's the extremely artificial flavoring. It's possible that it's the fact that I can always justify drinking it because, hey, all it is flavored sugar water, or possibly because it has like 10^5 ppm of sugar in it (yes, I know that's basically impossible. It's called 'hyperbole,' you uncultured swine.) Sure, it could be any of those, but there's a greater reason behind it all. I like to call it "the unifying power of Kool-Aid" (I've never called it that before.) Let me explain.
The world that we live in is ridden with differences. Things that always have the vast potential of tearing everyone apart. Many have been seeking a way to bring us all together. Some people think the solution is music. Sure, types of music transcend race or demographic differences (Not Rap. I know a lot of white folk like rap, but I like to think of rap more as a subtle recruitment technique employed by a series of organizations who want us to think they're dumb and uneducated, but in fact they're some of the trickiest individuals present on earth. How's THAT for a conspiracy theory?!) I think the solution is much more simple. Yes, my friends, Kool-Aid.
Having served a mission in Detroit, I know it's very popular amongst certain peoples. I also know that wealthy tend to stray from it in an effort to find a more...organic...solution, or some other garbage. Let me say this: there are very few things more organic than sugar and water....and hundreds of artificially produced flavoring agents. Well, at least the first two things were organic. I think that's a pretty good ratio considering that 10 years in the future humans are only going to be 2/3 organic anyway (this is referring to the FACT (scientifically proven) that 10 years in the future, we are going to be taken over by a group of super-intelligent cyborgs who have both a knack for the arts AND the destruction of any living thing stubborn enough to oppose their higher plane of thinking.)
Back to Kool-Aid.
I dare you to find me someone who doesn't like it. If you do find someone, drug them up a little and THEN see if they don't like it. That's really all I'm trying to get across. You won't find anyone who fits that mold. Yes, I'm saying that you can not and will not find anyone who, if they don't already like Kool-Aid, also wouldn't like if they were drugged to the point of hallucination and/or lack of self-will. Now that's power.
So, the next time you have a steaming pot of ice-cold Kool-Aid in front of you, don't just pour and drink. Sit back a moment and think about how you very well could be looking at the future. At the same time, don't go so far as to think you're looking into some mystical pensieve that possesses the capabilities of telling the future. Because, as we know, and unlike 2/3 organic cyborg lifeforms, there is no such thing as a future-telling pensieve...just the kind that can show us our memories.
Just remember, in 15 years when we're all hailing our new cyborg cheiftains (as we know, they will seek to adopt the most premier form of government, which is that of Tribal Law), remember what I told you: Kool-Aid made it happen.
Ah, Summer.
Fin.
As an afterthought, I realize that a fair number of people who may read this will not understand that I'm suggesting that Kool-Aid will somehow be transformed into a sort of fuel, which will power these cyborg lifeforms.
As an afterthought to my afterthought, and just in case in fifteen years our cyborg leaders read this, I am in no way suggesting that the way to destroy any possibility of cyborg dominance is to rid the world of its supply of Kool-Aid.
Before I begin, I recognize that Kool-Aid isn't a Summer drink, per se. It's equally as delicious during the winter times, but I don't think I would be too far off when I assume that the majority of people in this techno-frenzied world (that time I did mean the music) would generally associate it with Summer time.
What is it that makes this liquid refreshment so...refreshmenting? It's possible that it's the extremely artificial flavoring. It's possible that it's the fact that I can always justify drinking it because, hey, all it is flavored sugar water, or possibly because it has like 10^5 ppm of sugar in it (yes, I know that's basically impossible. It's called 'hyperbole,' you uncultured swine.) Sure, it could be any of those, but there's a greater reason behind it all. I like to call it "the unifying power of Kool-Aid" (I've never called it that before.) Let me explain.
The world that we live in is ridden with differences. Things that always have the vast potential of tearing everyone apart. Many have been seeking a way to bring us all together. Some people think the solution is music. Sure, types of music transcend race or demographic differences (Not Rap. I know a lot of white folk like rap, but I like to think of rap more as a subtle recruitment technique employed by a series of organizations who want us to think they're dumb and uneducated, but in fact they're some of the trickiest individuals present on earth. How's THAT for a conspiracy theory?!) I think the solution is much more simple. Yes, my friends, Kool-Aid.
Having served a mission in Detroit, I know it's very popular amongst certain peoples. I also know that wealthy tend to stray from it in an effort to find a more...organic...solution, or some other garbage. Let me say this: there are very few things more organic than sugar and water....and hundreds of artificially produced flavoring agents. Well, at least the first two things were organic. I think that's a pretty good ratio considering that 10 years in the future humans are only going to be 2/3 organic anyway (this is referring to the FACT (scientifically proven) that 10 years in the future, we are going to be taken over by a group of super-intelligent cyborgs who have both a knack for the arts AND the destruction of any living thing stubborn enough to oppose their higher plane of thinking.)
Back to Kool-Aid.
I dare you to find me someone who doesn't like it. If you do find someone, drug them up a little and THEN see if they don't like it. That's really all I'm trying to get across. You won't find anyone who fits that mold. Yes, I'm saying that you can not and will not find anyone who, if they don't already like Kool-Aid, also wouldn't like if they were drugged to the point of hallucination and/or lack of self-will. Now that's power.
So, the next time you have a steaming pot of ice-cold Kool-Aid in front of you, don't just pour and drink. Sit back a moment and think about how you very well could be looking at the future. At the same time, don't go so far as to think you're looking into some mystical pensieve that possesses the capabilities of telling the future. Because, as we know, and unlike 2/3 organic cyborg lifeforms, there is no such thing as a future-telling pensieve...just the kind that can show us our memories.
Just remember, in 15 years when we're all hailing our new cyborg cheiftains (as we know, they will seek to adopt the most premier form of government, which is that of Tribal Law), remember what I told you: Kool-Aid made it happen.
Ah, Summer.
Fin.
As an afterthought, I realize that a fair number of people who may read this will not understand that I'm suggesting that Kool-Aid will somehow be transformed into a sort of fuel, which will power these cyborg lifeforms.
As an afterthought to my afterthought, and just in case in fifteen years our cyborg leaders read this, I am in no way suggesting that the way to destroy any possibility of cyborg dominance is to rid the world of its supply of Kool-Aid.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Everybody Gloats
Alright people, I've reached one of my personal marks of excellence. Sure, this will never come into play in my profession, but I think it helps my resume for nerdiness. What am I talking about? Well, let me show you rather than tell you. Here it is:
I don't know if you can read it, but this is the score I got on my typing test today. Sure, I tried like 30 times, but I got it to 100. It's like a real world video game. Yes, I recognize this is nothing to be proud of, but half of the things I excel at aren't exactly things that most people would be proud of, so dont' judge me. Hey, you in the red, stop judging me.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Ever talked to yourself? Well, you should.
I've never really understood why some people ostracize those who talk to themselves. Yeah. I said it. I don't get it. Why don't I get it? It's not just because I do it. No, I don't think that makes me crazy. Honestly, I think if someone has the ability to switch personalities so fast and so frequently as to have a legitimate conversation with themselves, their efforts should be applauded. Now, keep in mind, this is assuming that none of the personalities are violent. If the personality is violent, stay away from my family because I don't want to have to introduce you to my friends: knuckles and...other fist. So, remember that, don't come around my family if you have violent personalitieS (emphasis on the plural. I can deal with one. I'm an expert peace maker, and i'm not talking about the gun. I'm not a gun. Nor do I have guns. that shouldn't come as a surprise. This parenthetical phrase is ended now).
I've talked a little about some of the nutty or zany people that I've encountered in my time spent downtown. For some STRANGE reason, it just makes my day when I see a man yelling at...something...while standing on a street corner. I just have to wonder what is happening in that person's mind. I bet they're having a party, unless they deal with paranoia, in which case they definitely are not having a party. But that's a much heavier topic and has no place in this blog. If you wish to deal with the heavier topics, consult your physician. Why? I don't know. It just felt right to say.
The moral of this story is that we shouldn't look at people funny when they talk to themselves. In fact, if we see someone talking to their self (or a form of their self), don't giggle. Don't look at them funny. Just think about what they could be thinking. I bet it could be fun (generally, I haven't come across people who are having a jolly old time when they're talking to themselve (?) (That word is hard from a grammatical standpoint. I can never be sure which form of it to use in which context. Come to think of it, I've never had to think of it until now. Let's hope it doesn't come up in one of my engineering classes or I am in BIG trouble) As a general rule, they're yelling. I don't know why they're so mad. Maybe one of their personalities moved their favorite shirt and isn't telling them where it is. I don't know...just an idea.) You know, now that I think about it, if I saw someone on a street corner just giggling to themselves (?), I think I might be a little more...weirded out...than if they were yelling. There's just something creepy about giggling. yeah, that's right. I admitted it. Teenage girls are creepy.
There you have it folks. I just wrote a defense against self-conversation. I don't think it would hold up in a court of law (maybe in Missouri it would), but it's just my standpoint. Don't hate what you don't understand. Put yourself in their shoes (not literally because it could very well be the only pair they own. Yes, I just put a stereotype of people who talk to themselves. Get over it.) Everyone needs company...even when you don't have anyone to keep you company. Just beware the gigglers....
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
But Wait! There's More!
Over the years, I've been barraged with various ideas from people who are looking to market the next big gadget. One of my biggest goals is to make my own infomercial, even though that goal, in and of itself, is highly unrealistic. This entry of my blog will be divided into two sections. First, I'm going to talk about what my infomercial would be like, and second, I'm going to discuss a few potential products that some of my friends and I have come up with over the years.
One of my favorite things about an infomercial is when they're starting the intro, and it usually goes something like this: Have you ever been frustrated at how much you have to change your cat's litter? And then they procure some miracle cat litter sifting product that does everything but make the cat breakfast (for now. I hear some companies in Taiwan are currently working on having a machine do that, although some skeptics have begun questioning where the machine gets the material from which it makes the breakfast. I'll leave it at that). In those infomercials, that portion just comprises a small segment of the introduction. In MY infomercial, it's going to be the majority of what we talk about. It'll go more something like this (imagine i'm marketing one of those forearm strengthening thingys): have you ever looked down ashamedly at the size of your forearms (keep in mind these scenarios will all be acted out by REALLY awesome actors)? Have you ever been passed by on the street by the girl of your dreams just because you could gather the courage to look her in the face because you knew you wouldn't be able to help her open her pickle jars? Do you ever sit for hours at a time wondering how you could even have friends because you can barely give a good handshake? Seriously, do you ever sit for similar reasons and wonder why you were even born? And then the product is introduced. Those who know me know that I like to take the stance of an extremist in some arguments. Not that I actually believe those things, but everyone needs a little extreme in your life, whether it's sports, religious radicalism, or even signing up to do one of those old Surge commercials. The scenarios in the infomercial would then get worse and worse and worse. I don't know at what point it would stop, but I think I've got a good thing going there.
Now, I will just briefly explain some of the ideas that I (I use the term 'I' to reference my friends and myself simply to make it simpler...for me. I don't intend to take all the credit for these awesome products because they're most definitely not all my ideas.)
First off, the Spatchet. The catch phrase would be something like "Got a problem? SPATCHET!" What it is is essentially the mixture of a spatula and a hatchet. Now, some may be wondering why we would ever need a spatula AND a hatchet. No, it wouldn't be for those times you're looking to flip a burning log in the fire and cut it at the same time. It would be used for much more practical...uses. For example, you know when you're making pancakes and the batter seeps into the batter of another pancake so it looks like one large, disfigured pancake, when in reality it's two pancakes? You know what I'm talking about? How annoying is that! I mean, you try to cut it with your spatula, but you can never seem to get it all the way through, and before you know it the pancake is burned and you have, through chaos theory, caused the fall of 30 different government systems all around the world. I mean, this could all have been avoided had you had a more practical tool to cut that dang pancake. This is where Spatchet comes into play. You take the spatula, lift the portion where the two pancakes are connected, push a button and a hatchet connected to some pneumatic lever comes flying down to cut the pancake. Sure, I know that this product really is ridiculous, but Spatchet sure is fun to say!
Secondly, i don't know if any of you have ever sat for hours wondering about how weird the word nonsensical is. I know I have...seriously. Maybe during that time you've wondered why it sounds so much like the word Popsicle. I'm going out on a limb here, but perhaps you've even gone so far as to wonder what that word would taste like. Well, this is where THE Nonsensical comes into play. It's a Popsicle in form. It looks like one, it smells like one. It could come in a green or orange variety...you know what a Popsicle looks like. So you go into the experience expecting grape or lime or whatever, and you take a lick...and...this flavor doesn't make any sense! It tastes like bologna, or burnt toast, or...wood. I think it would be great for parties. "Hey! Thanks for coming to my party!" "Yeah, thanks for inviting me. It sure is hot out here!" "Yeah, do you want a Popsicle?" "Oh yeah, sure!" this would be followed by some subtle snickers (not the candy...come to think of it, I don't know how a candy bar could be subtle. I don't think I would want to meet a subtle candy bar. It would probably reach for my wallet, and I would bat it away, look at my friend and be like "What's the deal with your candy bar?" "It's one of those subtle snickers." "Ohhh...."). The person would put the Popsicle in his mouth, take a quick taste and spit it out. He'd say something like, "What the...fried ham?" "Yeah, it's one of them Nonsensicals." "Ohhh..." and everyone would have a good time. I think I could literally solve some disputes with this. That's just my thinking though and I tend to be pretty oblivious about reality.
This is probably what your friend would look like when he tastes The Nonsensical (and if he were a baby).
So there you have it folks. These things are going to be big; I can see it. If you have any other awesome ideas for a product, feel free to comment it! Maybe that way I won't feel like I think of such weird things.
One of my favorite things about an infomercial is when they're starting the intro, and it usually goes something like this: Have you ever been frustrated at how much you have to change your cat's litter? And then they procure some miracle cat litter sifting product that does everything but make the cat breakfast (for now. I hear some companies in Taiwan are currently working on having a machine do that, although some skeptics have begun questioning where the machine gets the material from which it makes the breakfast. I'll leave it at that). In those infomercials, that portion just comprises a small segment of the introduction. In MY infomercial, it's going to be the majority of what we talk about. It'll go more something like this (imagine i'm marketing one of those forearm strengthening thingys): have you ever looked down ashamedly at the size of your forearms (keep in mind these scenarios will all be acted out by REALLY awesome actors)? Have you ever been passed by on the street by the girl of your dreams just because you could gather the courage to look her in the face because you knew you wouldn't be able to help her open her pickle jars? Do you ever sit for hours at a time wondering how you could even have friends because you can barely give a good handshake? Seriously, do you ever sit for similar reasons and wonder why you were even born? And then the product is introduced. Those who know me know that I like to take the stance of an extremist in some arguments. Not that I actually believe those things, but everyone needs a little extreme in your life, whether it's sports, religious radicalism, or even signing up to do one of those old Surge commercials. The scenarios in the infomercial would then get worse and worse and worse. I don't know at what point it would stop, but I think I've got a good thing going there.
Now, I will just briefly explain some of the ideas that I (I use the term 'I' to reference my friends and myself simply to make it simpler...for me. I don't intend to take all the credit for these awesome products because they're most definitely not all my ideas.)
First off, the Spatchet. The catch phrase would be something like "Got a problem? SPATCHET!" What it is is essentially the mixture of a spatula and a hatchet. Now, some may be wondering why we would ever need a spatula AND a hatchet. No, it wouldn't be for those times you're looking to flip a burning log in the fire and cut it at the same time. It would be used for much more practical...uses. For example, you know when you're making pancakes and the batter seeps into the batter of another pancake so it looks like one large, disfigured pancake, when in reality it's two pancakes? You know what I'm talking about? How annoying is that! I mean, you try to cut it with your spatula, but you can never seem to get it all the way through, and before you know it the pancake is burned and you have, through chaos theory, caused the fall of 30 different government systems all around the world. I mean, this could all have been avoided had you had a more practical tool to cut that dang pancake. This is where Spatchet comes into play. You take the spatula, lift the portion where the two pancakes are connected, push a button and a hatchet connected to some pneumatic lever comes flying down to cut the pancake. Sure, I know that this product really is ridiculous, but Spatchet sure is fun to say!Secondly, i don't know if any of you have ever sat for hours wondering about how weird the word nonsensical is. I know I have...seriously. Maybe during that time you've wondered why it sounds so much like the word Popsicle. I'm going out on a limb here, but perhaps you've even gone so far as to wonder what that word would taste like. Well, this is where THE Nonsensical comes into play. It's a Popsicle in form. It looks like one, it smells like one. It could come in a green or orange variety...you know what a Popsicle looks like. So you go into the experience expecting grape or lime or whatever, and you take a lick...and...this flavor doesn't make any sense! It tastes like bologna, or burnt toast, or...wood. I think it would be great for parties. "Hey! Thanks for coming to my party!" "Yeah, thanks for inviting me. It sure is hot out here!" "Yeah, do you want a Popsicle?" "Oh yeah, sure!" this would be followed by some subtle snickers (not the candy...come to think of it, I don't know how a candy bar could be subtle. I don't think I would want to meet a subtle candy bar. It would probably reach for my wallet, and I would bat it away, look at my friend and be like "What's the deal with your candy bar?" "It's one of those subtle snickers." "Ohhh...."). The person would put the Popsicle in his mouth, take a quick taste and spit it out. He'd say something like, "What the...fried ham?" "Yeah, it's one of them Nonsensicals." "Ohhh..." and everyone would have a good time. I think I could literally solve some disputes with this. That's just my thinking though and I tend to be pretty oblivious about reality.
This is probably what your friend would look like when he tastes The Nonsensical (and if he were a baby).
So there you have it folks. These things are going to be big; I can see it. If you have any other awesome ideas for a product, feel free to comment it! Maybe that way I won't feel like I think of such weird things.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Socially Awesome
I tend to think that I'm fairly normal...okay, I don't, but that's beside the point. One of the great privileges I encounter fairly regularly in my station (now, I'm just going to point out that this isn't a radio station for all you that may have been thinking that I sideline as a disc jockey. Some of you may be wondering what "sidelining" as a disc jockey means, and to that I say...I haven't yet decided. I just kind of wrote something that sounded like it could mean something. Come up with your own definition, i DARE you.) ANYWAY, in my station (reminder: not a radio station) I encounter a select group of people who tend to be ostracized from the majority of society. It's not because of hygiene issues (although this select group of people do tend to be less....how do you say...groomed...as mainstream society), nor is it because of their involvement in what we would call a different "class" of individuals. In fact, as a general rule, this group of people tends to be fairly well off, although there is a stereotype that they may or may not still live in their mothers' basements at the age of 35. Guess who I'm talking about yet? No? Okay. Well, let me just tell you. The people to which I'm referring can be labeled as nothing other than "socially awkward." What makes them socially awkward? There could be a number of reasons. Maybe they spent too much time in their dad's Wizard store as a youth. Perhaps they had dreams of growing up to be a Pokemon Master...a dream which never died. Maybe they even refused sociality with the other youth of the neighborhood and opted to converse with their custom made Dungeons and Dragons figurines. Whether it's one of those or something else, there's just a switch in their brain that either didn't exist or just never got flipped. It's the switch that most of us know as...no, not puberty...I will call it "Hello, reality. I'm here to meet you."
I understand that liking any of the above listed activities is not inherently bad. There are a lot of fun...activities...that children can engage themselves in. All things in moderation, as they say. I'm talking primarily about the people who became so immersed as to skew reality. I know in a previous post I spent some time talking about video games and Twilight and the like, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the special group of people that sometimes make us laugh just by watching them interact with life. Whether that's good or bad is something that you need to decide.
Let me tell you a couple stories of experiences I have had. I will also pose some conjectures as to why the people behaved in the way they did.
Story #1) Last fall (Fall of 2009) I was looking to fill in some extra credit hours with a class that I might actually enjoy. I went to a class with a couple friends called "the Universe," as I have had a fascination with the stars and theoretical astrophysics. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, I didn't actually end up taking the class because I decided that taking a class about stars wasn't worth $400 dollars. Call me cheap if you want. I only attended 3 class periods, and I sat on the back row or second to back row as a general rule. One day the professor posed a question (I don't remember what it was), and a guy behind me raised his hand to answer. Now, I want you all to put yourselves in the place of this young man. You raise your hand in class to answer a question; what do you do afterward? Mind you, this is a large class (probably over 100 people in it), and it's in the physics auditorium. Of course, you'd raise your voice a little and just answer. But no, not this guy. He stood up, put his hands behind his back, stuck out his chest and gave the answer. I'll give him credit; he knew his stuff. However, the manner in which he opted to answer caught me off guard and I couldn't help but look at a friend and chuckle a little.
Analysis of Story #1) This gave me cause to wonder: why did that become the norm for this particular individual? Here are some possibilities of what could have led to this behavior. The first thought I had was that maybe he came from a military family. They tend to be excessively strict and proper at all times...then again, a lot of the time the kids rebel and steal hand grenades and flush them down toilets (Yes, I know a hand grenade is probably to big to be flushed down a toilet, but I like to think that at an army base they have some industrial strength toilet...you know...for emergencies, in which this could be possible.), so that may not be it. My second thought was, maybe he was home schooled. I have nothing against home schooling, and I recognize that it may be the best option in some circumstances, but, at the same time, I think that if not done properly, the kids can turn out a little...off. I knew families on my mission that fit this description (although, now that I think of it, the parents were a little strange too...so maybe the home schooling isn't to blame). I finally settled on this notion, however. I am convinced that he, as a youth, suffered some sort of trauma in which he ruined his back and they had to replace it with a metal representation of his spine. That would account for the superhuman rigidness of his back (now THAT would be a terrible super power. "So, he can shoot lasers, he can fly, what can you do?" "I have a really straight spine..."). As for his weird behavior, maybe he had been hypnotized and he didn't even know he was standing when he answered the question. I think it's plausible.
Story #2) Just the other day, I was preparing to take a test in my Digital Logic class (I know what some of you are thinking. "Digital lawjick...?" Believe it or not, but the name of the class actually fits.), and I heard a guy talking to some other guys in the class about video games. This is not an unfamiliar topic of conversation considering it's an engineering class, but the level to which he conversed is what surprised me. He went on to list all the Zelda games in the order that they came out. I love those games, but I've never taken the time to go through and memorize when they came out. He went on to say some other things about video games and so on. I like video games, but I don't LIKE video games, if you catch my meaning. If my xbox were to be stolen, I'd probably read more. 'Nuff said. It's not something around which my life revolves. Yes, I play them frequently, but it's because it's something to do. I wouldn't dream of walking into a class full of computer engineers, list some facts about video games and scream, "I am your god! Worship me!" I'm not going to analyze this any further because I want to spend some time on an event which took place almost immediately afterward.
Story #3) Immediately after story #2, I happened to overhear a phrase which...let's be honest...was awesome. A young man said the following: I just wanted to walk up to her, say "you're pretty" and walk off. I'm not what we would call "smooth" with the lady folk, probably because the people who think they're smooth are the ones I make fun of. I embrace the fact that people feel awkward when I'm around, and a lot of the time I use that to my advantage (not in a bad way. I just exploit the awkwardness because I think it's funny). But, walking up to a girl, telling her she's pretty, and walking off...strange much? Now, ladies, would that be creepy if that happened to you? If the answer is yes, maybe I should consider doing it.
Analysis of Story #3) I have to wonder...why? I highly doubt that this guy was depraved of female contact sufficiently to create a desire and longing for any interaction with a woman that simply saying "you're pretty" would fill the void. I'm going to give him the benefit of that doubt (because I'm a good person). Perhaps doing that was grounds for receiving some sort of accolade or recognition of some sort. I don't know that it's not. Here is my guess as to what happened. Engineers tend to have a habit of getting wrapped up in school work. There's more than enough to go around. I know this isn't a problem that is exclusive to engineers, but there is one major difference. There is no gender balance in the engineering world, especially if you're dealing with Electrical and Computer engineers, as well as computer scientists. Fact: there is no more than 1 girl in any of my engineering classes this semester. That being said, hormones tend to flare up a little when a girl is seen, let alone what we perceive as a "pretty" girl. I would compare it to the feeling you get when you get a fairly large tax refund. All this money and no idea how to use it. That's how it is with engineers and girls on our turf (the engineering buildings.) This fellow had become so immersed in his school work, that when he saw a girl, he reverted back to his elementary school self and thought it would be a good idea to call her pretty and run off giggling to brag to his friends about he ACTUALLY spoke to a woman. Nothing against him, but I'm going to rank that tactic JUST above yelling "HEY" at a girl as you drive by in your car.
I'm going to make my intentions clear. I do not write this for some crude source of self-aggrandizement. I'm simply giving you a window into my life. These are the types of situations I encounter regularly. There are certain perks to being an engineer. Finding a wife in the engineering classes, however, is not one of them.
There you have it, folks. My rambliest (that's the state of being the most rambly) post yet. If you made it to the end, you deserve a treat.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
The Time of Day/Night that Males Will Never Speak of Again
Okay, you all know it's been coming. I alluded to something in my last post that really chaps my rash...figuratively. I would like to consider myself a somewhat realistic person, but I have been known to dabble in fantasy a bit, mostly with elves, dwarves, and men who live FAR beyond what people these days live. Yes, in case you were wondering, I'm referring to the Numenoreans. If you don't know what that is, I recommend you email some guy who has spent his life learning Elvish (not Elvis....because I'm not entirely certain how you could learn him..unless, of course, you're referring to the more aged definition of learn, which can be substituted with teach...which really doesn't make sense, but is still fun to say. How's THAT for a side track...and run-on sentence?!)...I'm going to assume you forgot what the sentence preceding the parenthetical statement was, so I'll repeat. If you don't know what a Numenorean is, email some guy who has spent his life learning Elvish and let him ream you. Granted, he has spent his life learning Elvish, so there's not a lot he could say to you that would make you feel bad about yourself. I mean, come on, you could always fall back on the statement "Hey, at least I don't know Elvish." Just saying.
Anyway, back to the thing that figuratively chaps my rash. Yeah, you know what it is. Dare I say....Twilight. I understand that I will be alienating a certain demographic simply by writing this entry, but I'm okay with that. If you are willing to sacrifice a friendship over a fantasy book, you're obviously not Team Benjamin.
Now, there are a certain few things about Twilight that really bother me. First off, did Stephanie Meyer even know what a vampire was before writing this? I mean, sure she understood the fundamental aspect of the blood sucking, but for all I know, she could have been confusing "vampires" with "leeches." If all you know about a vampire was that it sucked blood, you could see how that would be an easy mistake to make.
See, you can very well understand how ANYONE *who is on crack* could confuse the
<---two.---->
I do have to admit, however, that I have seen the first movie. It was under some very specific circumstances, and if that requires me to forfeit a man card, I will do so because it was worth driving several avid Twilight fans up the wall. There are certain things that really just didn't sit well with me...to the extent that I almost vomited. Seriously. First off, if these so-called "Vampires" are so afraid of sunlight, why do they sit at the table in the lunch room that's nearest the windows? What would happen if the clouds broke even for a second? All their years and years of intense concealment would be blown. Obviously their "father" didn't tell them anything about common sense. Second, sparkles? Really? REALLY!?!?! It's like they all got trapped in the horrible glitter factory collapse of '87, and by some freak accident, they all fell into the same vat of nuclear glitter and it embedded itself within their skin. It's like some experience that usually creates a superhero, but this time it went horribly horribly wrong. I mean, maybe Stephanie Dyer got a hold of some of the earliest rejected ideas by Marvel*. I mean, really. The only thing gayer would be if these "vampires" happened to all be on the cheer squad at Forks high and spent their free time practicing their ballet or synchronized swimming or something.
The circumstance under which I witnessed this abscess of a movie was the following: For those of you who may be familiar with the popular TV series "Mystery Science Theater 3000," the guys who do that also make audio tracks that you can play along with a variety of modern movies, such as Twilight. So we had that playing alongside the movie, which enhanced the experience, but it was still torture. I would recommend that anyone who doesn't want to watch the movie but somehow feels pressured into doing it...that's the way to go. If you still think I deserve to forfeit a man card, you obviously haven't read the rules regarding forfeiture and seizure of man card and man card accessories.
Back to my rant on Twilight. Previously I mentioned that I tend to dabble in fantasy on occasion, but there's something that separates me from a Twilight enthusiast (well, I'm sure there are plenty of things that separate me, like the fact that I like girls), is the fact that I have NEVER, EVER been romantically inclined towards any of the characters in Lord of the Rings. Sure, Arwen sounded hot, but I never got to the level where I would compare other girls to her. For all you people who are constantly fighting over which team would win, Team Edward or Team Jacob, I have breaking news for you: the team that wins is the team that is still in reality.
Some people might be thinking that I am just jealous because girls don't talk about me the way they talk about Edward and Taylor Lautner (Let's be honest, no one talks about the guy that PLAYS Edward). Here's what I have to say to you: HA! HAHA! HAAAAAAAA! HAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA. Heh heh, HA! I think that gets the point across. I think that if I'm being compared to a fictional character, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway....for obvious reasons (if you don't know what those reasons are, club yourself over the head. If you still remember twilight when you wake up, you didn't do it hard enough).
Okay, I think I'm done with my rant for now. Deep breaths. Feel free to comment if you have something I may have omitted. Granted, I understand that there are like 5 people who actually read this blog.
*Marvel is in no way associated with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.
Anyway, back to the thing that figuratively chaps my rash. Yeah, you know what it is. Dare I say....Twilight. I understand that I will be alienating a certain demographic simply by writing this entry, but I'm okay with that. If you are willing to sacrifice a friendship over a fantasy book, you're obviously not Team Benjamin.
Now, there are a certain few things about Twilight that really bother me. First off, did Stephanie Meyer even know what a vampire was before writing this? I mean, sure she understood the fundamental aspect of the blood sucking, but for all I know, she could have been confusing "vampires" with "leeches." If all you know about a vampire was that it sucked blood, you could see how that would be an easy mistake to make.
See, you can very well understand how ANYONE *who is on crack* could confuse the <---two.---->
I do have to admit, however, that I have seen the first movie. It was under some very specific circumstances, and if that requires me to forfeit a man card, I will do so because it was worth driving several avid Twilight fans up the wall. There are certain things that really just didn't sit well with me...to the extent that I almost vomited. Seriously. First off, if these so-called "Vampires" are so afraid of sunlight, why do they sit at the table in the lunch room that's nearest the windows? What would happen if the clouds broke even for a second? All their years and years of intense concealment would be blown. Obviously their "father" didn't tell them anything about common sense. Second, sparkles? Really? REALLY!?!?! It's like they all got trapped in the horrible glitter factory collapse of '87, and by some freak accident, they all fell into the same vat of nuclear glitter and it embedded itself within their skin. It's like some experience that usually creates a superhero, but this time it went horribly horribly wrong. I mean, maybe Stephanie Dyer got a hold of some of the earliest rejected ideas by Marvel*. I mean, really. The only thing gayer would be if these "vampires" happened to all be on the cheer squad at Forks high and spent their free time practicing their ballet or synchronized swimming or something.
The circumstance under which I witnessed this abscess of a movie was the following: For those of you who may be familiar with the popular TV series "Mystery Science Theater 3000," the guys who do that also make audio tracks that you can play along with a variety of modern movies, such as Twilight. So we had that playing alongside the movie, which enhanced the experience, but it was still torture. I would recommend that anyone who doesn't want to watch the movie but somehow feels pressured into doing it...that's the way to go. If you still think I deserve to forfeit a man card, you obviously haven't read the rules regarding forfeiture and seizure of man card and man card accessories.
Back to my rant on Twilight. Previously I mentioned that I tend to dabble in fantasy on occasion, but there's something that separates me from a Twilight enthusiast (well, I'm sure there are plenty of things that separate me, like the fact that I like girls), is the fact that I have NEVER, EVER been romantically inclined towards any of the characters in Lord of the Rings. Sure, Arwen sounded hot, but I never got to the level where I would compare other girls to her. For all you people who are constantly fighting over which team would win, Team Edward or Team Jacob, I have breaking news for you: the team that wins is the team that is still in reality.
Some people might be thinking that I am just jealous because girls don't talk about me the way they talk about Edward and Taylor Lautner (Let's be honest, no one talks about the guy that PLAYS Edward). Here's what I have to say to you: HA! HAHA! HAAAAAAAA! HAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA. Heh heh, HA! I think that gets the point across. I think that if I'm being compared to a fictional character, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway....for obvious reasons (if you don't know what those reasons are, club yourself over the head. If you still remember twilight when you wake up, you didn't do it hard enough).
Okay, I think I'm done with my rant for now. Deep breaths. Feel free to comment if you have something I may have omitted. Granted, I understand that there are like 5 people who actually read this blog.
*Marvel is in no way associated with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Player Hater
I intentionally labelled this entry the way I did for several reasons. First, to mislead and confuse...because that's just the kind of person I am. Secondly (well, it's basically the same as a reason, but for some reason, everything sounds better when made into a list), because of the many different ways the term "player" could be interpreted. Much to some of your dismay, I am not going to relate any of my philosophies regarding dating. I'm probably never going to give a look into that mode of thinking I currently occupy. This entry will be detailing my thoughts regarding male sports habits.
This could be linked to my previous post about the constant need of testosterone filled males to prove their manliness when around the women folk.
Something I have been paying particular heed to is vocal tendencies of he-men. I would like to point out that I, on purpose, called them he-men instead of just men. Let me explain why. The difference between a he-man and just a normal man is first (LISTSSSSS!), He-man is an awesome cartoon. nuff said. Secondly, a he-man (outside the specific antithesis of Skeletor), is someone who is not just a man because that explanation in and of itself would come nowhere near the level of manliness inherently contained within this individual's frame. Instead, there comes the need to affix the title he, as if to reinforce the gender non-neutrality of this person. There can never be any confusion as to how much of a man this man is, therefore, we will call him a he-man....or a Male-man (not to be confused with the rejected superhero proposed in the late 70's to Marvel Comics*. ) Either description is just redundant enough to get the point across.
Moving on: there exists a culture amongst most males that I will term as Blinders. In the most extreme case, it would come about as a result of some fierce rage provoked by someone shooting spit wads all high-school-like at a man's face. Other causes may include: stealing a burrito, giving cock-eyed, sidelong glares, a swift kick in the groin, or getting killed five times in a row by the same guy who keeps camping and you can never quite seem to find. Symptoms may include: increased vulgarity in speech, excessively red face, visible fuming, or even possible heart attack.
Here's how it happens**. A group of guys is hanging out with a group of moderately-very attractive women (let's face it, it may sound harsh but if we're around girls we think are ugly, fugly, or even pug fugly, this won't happen). It'll start out by a moderately obvious battle for attention with colloquial conversation. One guy will tell a joke, and then another will try to one up the previous by adding on to the joke. From there, it could go to talking about any number of more refined topics, like sports (yes, refined) or politics. The males, if in disagreement, will attempt to assert their dominance in the conversation either by belittling the other with quips or sarcasm (that's my personal favorite tactic), or by the decibel at which he makes his comments. At that point, one will go to get a drink of water or something of that nature. Given the right circumstances, like in a large crowd and if the one guy has to walk past or even over the other to get out, the person being passed will make a half-hearted jab at the leg or something (to be funny). At that point, the other may retaliate with a quick kick (also joking), but at that point, here come the blinders. The face will turn red, and the unabashed wrestling match begins.
When all is said and done, who wins? Now that's not really an answer for which I can ascribe a generalization. By some strange twist of fate, it turns out that some girls like that. Then again, some girls swoon over sparkley (turns out sparkley isn't in my browsers dictionary. That's frustrating) vampires that don't know how to act, and that's just another one of life's mysteries that I will never understand. It also turns out that, even more shockingly, some people find it disgusting when I pour mounds of easy cheese, at least three times the size of the Wheat Thin*** it's on, and proceed to dump it into my mouth. I think it's blissful. I don't get why others say it's "gross" or "unbecoming" or "satanic". I figure if it tastes somewhat like cheese, it must be cheese. I'm just saying. Getting back on track, some girls find it amusing. I think it's...for lack of a better word, nature. Perhaps some justify it in their mind that they're in some, strange way, expressing their love of nature by embracing some of the more carnal (I mean violent, not lustful) habits. I just think it's ridiculous. Anyway, those are the blinders.
Some of you may be asking the question that I find myself asking..myself...right now. "What is the point of this blog entry?" If you're asking that, you clearly need to stop reading this for any informative value. Just accept my mindless nonsense for what it is (mindless nonsense) and move on with life...and possible make me a cake. I will also accept cookies or sandwiches....or pudding.
That is all.
*Marvel has no affiliation with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.
**As a general rule, these occurrences could happen sequentially, but they don't necessarily need to happen that way. Any one of these could come about unprovoked.
***Wheat Thins are in nowise affiliated with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.
This could be linked to my previous post about the constant need of testosterone filled males to prove their manliness when around the women folk.
Something I have been paying particular heed to is vocal tendencies of he-men. I would like to point out that I, on purpose, called them he-men instead of just men. Let me explain why. The difference between a he-man and just a normal man is first (LISTSSSSS!), He-man is an awesome cartoon. nuff said. Secondly, a he-man (outside the specific antithesis of Skeletor), is someone who is not just a man because that explanation in and of itself would come nowhere near the level of manliness inherently contained within this individual's frame. Instead, there comes the need to affix the title he, as if to reinforce the gender non-neutrality of this person. There can never be any confusion as to how much of a man this man is, therefore, we will call him a he-man....or a Male-man (not to be confused with the rejected superhero proposed in the late 70's to Marvel Comics*. ) Either description is just redundant enough to get the point across.
Moving on: there exists a culture amongst most males that I will term as Blinders. In the most extreme case, it would come about as a result of some fierce rage provoked by someone shooting spit wads all high-school-like at a man's face. Other causes may include: stealing a burrito, giving cock-eyed, sidelong glares, a swift kick in the groin, or getting killed five times in a row by the same guy who keeps camping and you can never quite seem to find. Symptoms may include: increased vulgarity in speech, excessively red face, visible fuming, or even possible heart attack.Here's how it happens**. A group of guys is hanging out with a group of moderately-very attractive women (let's face it, it may sound harsh but if we're around girls we think are ugly, fugly, or even pug fugly, this won't happen). It'll start out by a moderately obvious battle for attention with colloquial conversation. One guy will tell a joke, and then another will try to one up the previous by adding on to the joke. From there, it could go to talking about any number of more refined topics, like sports (yes, refined) or politics. The males, if in disagreement, will attempt to assert their dominance in the conversation either by belittling the other with quips or sarcasm (that's my personal favorite tactic), or by the decibel at which he makes his comments. At that point, one will go to get a drink of water or something of that nature. Given the right circumstances, like in a large crowd and if the one guy has to walk past or even over the other to get out, the person being passed will make a half-hearted jab at the leg or something (to be funny). At that point, the other may retaliate with a quick kick (also joking), but at that point, here come the blinders. The face will turn red, and the unabashed wrestling match begins.
When all is said and done, who wins? Now that's not really an answer for which I can ascribe a generalization. By some strange twist of fate, it turns out that some girls like that. Then again, some girls swoon over sparkley (turns out sparkley isn't in my browsers dictionary. That's frustrating) vampires that don't know how to act, and that's just another one of life's mysteries that I will never understand. It also turns out that, even more shockingly, some people find it disgusting when I pour mounds of easy cheese, at least three times the size of the Wheat Thin*** it's on, and proceed to dump it into my mouth. I think it's blissful. I don't get why others say it's "gross" or "unbecoming" or "satanic". I figure if it tastes somewhat like cheese, it must be cheese. I'm just saying. Getting back on track, some girls find it amusing. I think it's...for lack of a better word, nature. Perhaps some justify it in their mind that they're in some, strange way, expressing their love of nature by embracing some of the more carnal (I mean violent, not lustful) habits. I just think it's ridiculous. Anyway, those are the blinders.
Some of you may be asking the question that I find myself asking..myself...right now. "What is the point of this blog entry?" If you're asking that, you clearly need to stop reading this for any informative value. Just accept my mindless nonsense for what it is (mindless nonsense) and move on with life...and possible make me a cake. I will also accept cookies or sandwiches....or pudding.
That is all.
*Marvel has no affiliation with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.
**As a general rule, these occurrences could happen sequentially, but they don't necessarily need to happen that way. Any one of these could come about unprovoked.
***Wheat Thins are in nowise affiliated with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Daniel Radcliffe
So, I've been a bit ill these past few days, and, as a result, I'm been spending my time watching a very wide variety of movies. Star Wars, Chick Flicks, Disaster Movies, etc. I've seen things from a woman haplessly falling in an old mine shaft to the destruction of the Washington Monument. I must say, however, that nothing was more curious than something I noticed today. As you may be able to infer from the title of this post, it centers around one, Daniel Radcliffe. I hadn't taken the time to watch the first Harry Potter movie (for those unaware with the series, it's called Harry Potter and the Philanthropist's Throne...or something like that). The reasons for my not watching it are thusly: I remembered not liking it at all, and it gives me indigestion - Too much "wingardium leviosa" for me, if you know what I'm saying. But, being that I'm ill, I figured there couldn't be much more indigestion given, and I had nothing better to do. These were my findings (I don't know if you caught on to that last sentence, but I was meaning it to sound kind of like the thing it says on Law and Order - "This is their story" or whatever. I didn't say it was clever.):
By some weird twist of fate, possibly by repeated ventures into the twilight zone, Daniel Radcliffe seems to have gotten worse at acting with age. Not saying he's old, but you'd think that after 6 movies, he would have learned a thing or two. I'm definitely not saying he's the worst actor out there. I mean, few things are more entertaining than watching Ron Weasley's hyper-cowardice in the second movie. When the shot shows the writing in blood on the wall for the first time, there's definitely something popping, and it's not just Ron's eyes from the shock and awe of the situation. It's probably my...anger..gland or something.
Anyway, back to Daniel. There are certain things that children can get away with, especially when it's their first appearance in a major motion picture. I mean, look at Haley Joel Osment. His performance in Forrest Gump didn't compare with what he did in The Sixth Sense. Granted, the roles were a bit different, but let's be honest: what is the real difference between a wizard-in-training and someone who sees dead people anyway. I don't claim to be any type of movie critic, but Daniel's performance in the Phantasmal Phone was acceptable. But as he aged, his skills didn't, and, in my mind, that's the same as being worse. His cohorts in the movies seem to have improved, but MAYBE he was put under some spell where his skills would not progress until the curse is broken...possibly by falling in love (too cliche), or even if we destroy the jewel hidden in the underbelly of a mystical creature. Now there's a movie! You heard it here first, folks. I am going to free acting skills that have been captured from Daniel Radcliffe, and then we'll see who the real hero is. Voldemort, shmoldemort. I brought back something that people didn't even know existed.
By some weird twist of fate, possibly by repeated ventures into the twilight zone, Daniel Radcliffe seems to have gotten worse at acting with age. Not saying he's old, but you'd think that after 6 movies, he would have learned a thing or two. I'm definitely not saying he's the worst actor out there. I mean, few things are more entertaining than watching Ron Weasley's hyper-cowardice in the second movie. When the shot shows the writing in blood on the wall for the first time, there's definitely something popping, and it's not just Ron's eyes from the shock and awe of the situation. It's probably my...anger..gland or something.
Anyway, back to Daniel. There are certain things that children can get away with, especially when it's their first appearance in a major motion picture. I mean, look at Haley Joel Osment. His performance in Forrest Gump didn't compare with what he did in The Sixth Sense. Granted, the roles were a bit different, but let's be honest: what is the real difference between a wizard-in-training and someone who sees dead people anyway. I don't claim to be any type of movie critic, but Daniel's performance in the Phantasmal Phone was acceptable. But as he aged, his skills didn't, and, in my mind, that's the same as being worse. His cohorts in the movies seem to have improved, but MAYBE he was put under some spell where his skills would not progress until the curse is broken...possibly by falling in love (too cliche), or even if we destroy the jewel hidden in the underbelly of a mystical creature. Now there's a movie! You heard it here first, folks. I am going to free acting skills that have been captured from Daniel Radcliffe, and then we'll see who the real hero is. Voldemort, shmoldemort. I brought back something that people didn't even know existed.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
The Alfalfa Male
I love my fraternity outings. As per my last count, I've been to at least seven of them, which I guess makes me old...relatively. Granted, half of the people who are calling me old are 18, but I like to say I'm "seasoned" when it comes to fraternity outings. There's one thing I wanted to dwell on for a moment, in reflection after this most recent pledge retreat, and that's the notion of competition.
As a general rule, guys tend to be pretty competitive. With most character attributes, when people get together in a group, certain characteristics cancel each other out, but the competitive nature of 18-24-year-old males amplify when in groups. For the most part, there comes a desire to prove to the rest of the group ones' dominance. Granted, with such a large group, there will be a wide assortment of personalities, so not EVERYONE is competing for the elusive title; there are some who simply sit back and chuckle at the guys who are trying to prove something. Well, I'll bring it back down a little bit more, when i say "there are some who...sit back," that's actually the majority of people. What I have found is that there are generally a handful of people who want to show everyone else how manly they are. Maybe it's fed by some inert desire to gain the approval of their peers. Perhaps it's contributed to by a subconscious questioning of their own manliness. I'm convinced that there is a type of person who simply just needs attention, and when they don't have attention, there's a little part of their self (possibly the gall bladder) that shrivels like a raisin. If there is anything an 18-year-old male wants less than a shriveled attention gland (the left kidney?), I would like to hear about it.
The moral of the story is not that men are attention starved beasts (Honestly, if you took that out of this, I'ma punch you), but the moral is more on an entertainment level. Next time you're in a big group of people, find the couple of guys who need to prove that they are an alpha male. There's always at least one, and they usually stick out like a sore thumb (which, by the way, is an axiom that I've never really understood, but I do know it's apt. APT!). When you find them, just follow them the rest of the night, because you're guaranteed a night of better appreciation of what you are not, if you know what I'm sayin'.
As a general rule, guys tend to be pretty competitive. With most character attributes, when people get together in a group, certain characteristics cancel each other out, but the competitive nature of 18-24-year-old males amplify when in groups. For the most part, there comes a desire to prove to the rest of the group ones' dominance. Granted, with such a large group, there will be a wide assortment of personalities, so not EVERYONE is competing for the elusive title; there are some who simply sit back and chuckle at the guys who are trying to prove something. Well, I'll bring it back down a little bit more, when i say "there are some who...sit back," that's actually the majority of people. What I have found is that there are generally a handful of people who want to show everyone else how manly they are. Maybe it's fed by some inert desire to gain the approval of their peers. Perhaps it's contributed to by a subconscious questioning of their own manliness. I'm convinced that there is a type of person who simply just needs attention, and when they don't have attention, there's a little part of their self (possibly the gall bladder) that shrivels like a raisin. If there is anything an 18-year-old male wants less than a shriveled attention gland (the left kidney?), I would like to hear about it.
The moral of the story is not that men are attention starved beasts (Honestly, if you took that out of this, I'ma punch you), but the moral is more on an entertainment level. Next time you're in a big group of people, find the couple of guys who need to prove that they are an alpha male. There's always at least one, and they usually stick out like a sore thumb (which, by the way, is an axiom that I've never really understood, but I do know it's apt. APT!). When you find them, just follow them the rest of the night, because you're guaranteed a night of better appreciation of what you are not, if you know what I'm sayin'.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
If wishes were fishes...
So I've been thinking the past couple days on something about which to write (I'm so good at grammar), but I've been drawing a blank. Let me take this moment to express a few things. First, I think it's kind of rude when people make me think a lot. I mean, it's not like I allocate a certain number of calories per day that I can burn thinking. I mean, seriously. There are a lot of other things I would rather spend my energy thinking about, like how I can improve my K/D ration rather than thinking about the rms-velocity of a nitrogen molecule. Also, other acceptable things to think about are as follows: how I can get more of my oreo in the milk without having to sacrifice finger dryness, how far I can walk away from my house and still have my wifi connected, or even how to get that blasted pack of hotdogs into the ziploc bag and NOT spill the juices.
Secondly, I sometimes just wish the weather would make up its mind....and yes, it has gotten to the point where I am talking about weather. Turns out the angels haven't been properly hydrating their scalps (that's my cute little analogy for snow, but it does make you want to think twice about catching a snowflake on your tongue.) This morning it was snowing very lightly as I walked to class, but if was PRRRREEEEETTY much melted by the time I was walking home. The only thing more capricious than the weather here is NEW JERSEYYYYY. Okay, that reference will be lost on 100% of people who read this.
Lastly, I'm getting really tired of this whole vampire phase that girls between the age of birth and 45 are going through. The first boundary of that range is PROBABLY too low, but I swear I heard my little niece talking about Edward...or Edgar....or Ruger. I'll tell you what, I wouldn't mind taking a Ruger to Edward. I'm hoping it passes soon because if there are any more vampire tv shows that come out, I'm going to flip a lid...I haven't decided which lid to flip, but I'm going to flip SOMETHING. You know, maybe I'll flip a couple lids...why not? I've got time, except it's being occupied by that solving that Oreo predicament.
So did anyone hear about the new update that Apple is putting out on all its devices: iPod, iPhone, and iPad are all included. It's called the iPatch, and it's supposed to remove all the PIRATED software. There's a reason I don't do comedy.
I'm constantly looking for new music, but I'm kind of picky. If anyone has any suggestions on some new music to look up, let me know. That is all.
Secondly, I sometimes just wish the weather would make up its mind....and yes, it has gotten to the point where I am talking about weather. Turns out the angels haven't been properly hydrating their scalps (that's my cute little analogy for snow, but it does make you want to think twice about catching a snowflake on your tongue.) This morning it was snowing very lightly as I walked to class, but if was PRRRREEEEETTY much melted by the time I was walking home. The only thing more capricious than the weather here is NEW JERSEYYYYY. Okay, that reference will be lost on 100% of people who read this.
Lastly, I'm getting really tired of this whole vampire phase that girls between the age of birth and 45 are going through. The first boundary of that range is PROBABLY too low, but I swear I heard my little niece talking about Edward...or Edgar....or Ruger. I'll tell you what, I wouldn't mind taking a Ruger to Edward. I'm hoping it passes soon because if there are any more vampire tv shows that come out, I'm going to flip a lid...I haven't decided which lid to flip, but I'm going to flip SOMETHING. You know, maybe I'll flip a couple lids...why not? I've got time, except it's being occupied by that solving that Oreo predicament.
So did anyone hear about the new update that Apple is putting out on all its devices: iPod, iPhone, and iPad are all included. It's called the iPatch, and it's supposed to remove all the PIRATED software. There's a reason I don't do comedy.
I'm constantly looking for new music, but I'm kind of picky. If anyone has any suggestions on some new music to look up, let me know. That is all.
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