Attack of the Six Strings

Throughout my many days of observing things (Turns out I've been doing it basically since birth, or so I'm told), there's one thing whose frequency and intensity seems to undulate in varying degrees as the years pass. I don't know if these frequencies are intensified by cosmic rays, interstellar motion, or even just in proportion to Oprah's weight (OH SNAP!), but I cannot deny its existence. In fact, anyone who has any grasp on reality should be fully aware of this phenomenon. To explain what it is, first let me outline a situation:

A group of individuals are hanging out at a house. Typically, every group of friends has what seem to be the stereotypical personality types. There's the shy one, the loud one, the sarcastic one (often termed the mean one, although I don't see what math has to do with this), the ugly one (yeah, we all know who you are), the nerdy one (in my friends, we all fit that type), the flirt, and then there's the last guy, the one about whom I'm going to spend the rest of my time speaking. We all know one. I like to label him as the "Guitar Guy."

I don't mean for anyone to misunderstand. I have nothing against the instrument, and I'm sure that the majority of people who learn to play the guitar learn to do it simply because they love the instrument. Also, girls are exempt from this stereotype, but I'll explain why later. I'm talking about the guy who goes out of his way to play the guitar, and we all know he's not doing it for "love of the instrument." Some may argue, "You're just bitter because you can't do it." No. You're wrong. I could do it if I wanted to. Sure, it would take a while to learn, but I don't have any desire to learn it. I'm perfectly content just mediocre...ly singing along with awesome songs from the 80's like "Rio" and "Total Eclipse of the Heart," and making stupid jokes, and...being labeled as "awkward."

As further clarification to whom I'm referring when I talk about these types of people, I'm going to go through a fairly common social scenario. I'm going to show how most people would act, and then I'll contrast it with how this person acts. Here goes.

Friend 1: Hey, what should we do tonight?
Friend 2: I don't know. It's really cold outside, so I don't really want to...go...outside.
Friend 1: We could go sledding or something. Is there snow anywhere?
Friend 2: Yeah, but that's outside. Find me an indoor hill, and I'm all over it. Heck, if you can find an indoor hill, I will personally grind up ice for us to sled on.
Friend 1: You're a dork. I don't know. Are there any good movies out?
Friend 3: Hey, where's your guitar?
Friend 1: I...don't...have one...
Friend 3: Oh, good thing I always carry mine with me in my car, you know, because I don't have anything to put into a conversation.
Friend 1: Yeah, ok. So any good movies?
Friend 2: I heard that one with (insert famous actor here) is pr....
Friend 3: Strum. I'm your...Strum. Hold on guys, I got it. Strum. Strum. Wait, no, no, this is it. Strum.
Girl 1: Oh I love that song!
Friend 1 to Friend 2: How the crap can this chick even know what the heck he's playing?

Okay, I admit that this is a bit of an exaggeration. And, to be frank, if situations occurred like this, I think I would be okay with it. But I think it highlights several important aspects of how it occurs. Recently I had a conversation with a friend about this subject. I would like to quote him here.

"What bugs me most about the guitar scene. Is everyone is about at the same level. That level being the "crap" level. Like I can play a couple chords and know some struming techniques. But rare is the really good guitarist. And I always feel that one should be asked to play. We don't want volunteers. I mean I'm average at the Kazoo, but you don't see me whipping that out at camp fires. At least not untill I'm asked. And i know, FOR A FACT, that (name deleted) isn't half bad at the rythm block, but you wouldn't know it from him."

Well said, my friend. I can, however, seeing several arguments stemming from this topic. Some may say that it would be wrong for them not to play. Granted, we aren't supposed to "hide our talents," but at the same time, we're not supposed to drop our talents in front of the homeless people just to show them that we have some. It's a delicate balance. Also, some might argue that they just love playing the guitar. Here's my counter argument: how about you develop a personality. I mean, sure, you may get the girls at first. But eventually you'll run out of songs to sing and actually have to talk to her. What are you going to do then? Hmmm? I would say that there's a time and a season for everything. Hanging out in a big group is the time for honing your social skills, developing relationships with those who you're around by interacting, and not for becoming some distorted, new-age pied piper, trying to lure away unsuspecting 18 or 19 year old women.

As I promised, here's why women are immune to this classification of social injustice (yes, I know there's nothing unjust...injust (ingest?) about this.) Women don't rely on guitars to impress guys. In fact, women know that it's not the way to go, unless you're really going for someone who's "in touch with his feelings." If that's your kind of man, just go down to the library and look for the kid with eyeliner and who's writing in his journal. I'm pretty sure he's "in touch" with everything...but reality. Anyway, women know that the way to go about impressing a guy is by talking about sports, or being good at video games, or making them food (sure, it may be stereotypical, but I'm fairly confident it would work with 98% of the guys I know), and not by playing guitar (although, in some cases, it may just work out for you. But if you decide to go that route, you may as well throw in some steak to be safe.)

I understand that this post probably sounds a bit bitter. I guess it depends on the day (you know...manic-depressive). But seriously, if you're one of the guitar players, I have nothing against you playing the guitar. Heck, develop your own fan club for all I care, complete with groupies and...snacks...and meetings, but, please, for all the rest of our sanities' sake (I've never had to pluralize sanity before), just go into a different room (or jump off a bridge). As much as I like having slightly less-than-good background music in all my conversations, I don't think it would take away from the experience as a whole if it were to simply...vanish.

This Semester In Review

It's official, folks. Another semester done and finished. The purpose of this post will to go back and recount some of the important life lessons that I have learned. Now, these lessons can each be applied in their own respective circles, and these are by no means a generalized statement on what everyone should spend time learning. In other words, I'm not going to be talking about things that I have sought after but the little lessons in life that we all just happen to come upon. For example, in the movie Remember the Titans, Gary Bertier happened to learn not to get hit by a truck. That's the kind of lesson I'm talking about.

Lesson #1

Longboarders, although a menace to campus, do serve their own comedic purposes.

Lesson #2

When someone else asks "How long do this project take you?" always use hyperbole.

Lesson #3

If being encountered by a final project that is stressing you out, just play video games. You may fail the class, but you may have failed anyway (Adapted from a Deep Thought by Jack Handy).

Lesson #4

Just because I'm an engineer doesn't mean I have to be an engineer.

--------Explanations----------

Lesson #1 - Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about longboarders on campus. There's something about not having a native braking system that just irks me. One of my dreams in life is to tackle an unsuspecting longboarder for no other reason than I believe it would be hilarious. Although I think they're the bane of college students (well, one of the many banes...others including keggers and homework), I do recognize that they do serve a purpose: so I can laugh at them when they fall. No, I don't think I'm being insensitive. I think it's an inferred contract that every longboarder agrees to when they step on that board the first time: if you fall, people will laugh at you. Cause and effect, people. The only thing funnier than a longboarder eating it on campus is a longboarder eating it on campus because he was trying to impress a girl. When that happens, I know life is good.

Lesson #2 - I think the fear of homework is often more debilitating than homework itself. I'll make a quick note that lessons 2 and 3 are very related, so I'll try not to repeat myself. I tend to be the guy that goes into a project way later than everyone else, and as a result, I'm the guy that asks the question, "So how long have you been working on this?" More often than not, the response is something like "Four hours yesterday, three hours today, and I still think I'm two hours from finished." And then I wet myself. 3 hours later I finish my project, and I realize the interesting strategem by which I had been played (it's entirely possible that the person actually did spend that much time on it, but I'm just saying that it would be a clever tactic to deter competition.)

Lesson #3 - Final projects...gotta love 'em. I had a final project that was worth 15% of my final grade, and although I intended to start it two weeks before it was due...I didn't. Turns out I didn't start it until the day it was due. Smart? No. Not even close. So, two days before it was due, I was freaking out...much. So, what did I do? Played video games. Some may think that I'm ridiculous, and I am. I'll give you that, but it worked out. No, I will not have failed the class. It was actually pretty awesome how it turned out and gave me a nice boost in self-esteem, but I wouldn't recommend this tactic for the average person. If it takes you longer than an hour to write a 1 page paper, don't do this. That's my disclaimer.

Lesson #4 - At first glace, this may one of the more confusing sentences I've written in this blog, but let me explain. There is a definite sterotype that hovers around engineers. Every time I tell someone I'm an electrical engineering major, the first sentence out of their mouth is: you must be smart. When people think of the smart kids, another phrase usually follows: socially awkward. Personally, I would like to think I fall in the first category but not genuinely in the second (some may argue, but it's true). I wrote an entire post about socially akward smart kids I've come across in my classes, so I'll sum it up in a sentence: I don't get excited about the prospect of approaching an attractive woman, saying "you're pretty," and walking away. Nuff said.

That's just a brief glimpse at the lessons I've learned. I could go on, but maybe I'll save some of the others for a later post. Feel free to comment.

But Wait! There's More!

Over the years, I've been barraged with various ideas from people who are looking to market the next big gadget. One of my biggest goals is to make my own infomercial, even though that goal, in and of itself, is highly unrealistic. This entry of my blog will be divided into two sections. First, I'm going to talk about what my infomercial would be like, and second, I'm going to discuss a few potential products that some of my friends and I have come up with over the years.

One of my favorite things about an infomercial is when they're starting the intro, and it usually goes something like this:  Have you ever been frustrated at how much you have to change your cat's litter? And then they procure some miracle cat litter sifting product that does everything but make the cat breakfast (for now. I hear some companies in Taiwan are currently working on having a machine do that, although some skeptics have begun questioning where the machine gets the material from which it makes the breakfast. I'll leave it at that). In those infomercials, that portion just comprises a small segment of the introduction. In MY infomercial, it's going to be the majority of what we talk about. It'll go more something like this (imagine i'm marketing one of those forearm strengthening thingys): have you ever looked down ashamedly at the size of your forearms (keep in mind these scenarios will all be acted out by REALLY awesome actors)? Have you ever been passed by on the street by the girl of your dreams just because you could gather the courage to look her in the face because you knew you wouldn't be able to help her open her pickle jars? Do you ever sit for hours at a time wondering how you could even have friends because you can barely give a good handshake? Seriously, do you ever sit for similar reasons and wonder why you were even born? And then the product is introduced. Those who know me know that I like to take the stance of an extremist in some arguments. Not that I actually believe those things, but everyone needs a little extreme in your life, whether it's sports, religious radicalism, or even signing up to do one of those old Surge commercials. The scenarios in the infomercial would then get worse and worse and worse. I don't know at what point it would stop, but I think I've got a good thing going there.

Now, I will just briefly explain some of the ideas that I (I use the term 'I' to reference my friends and myself simply to make it simpler...for me. I don't intend to take all the credit for these awesome products because they're most definitely not all my ideas.)

First off, the Spatchet. The catch phrase would be something like "Got a problem? SPATCHET!" What it is is essentially the mixture of a spatula and a hatchet. Now, some may be wondering why we would ever need a spatula AND a hatchet. No, it wouldn't be for those times you're looking to flip a burning log in the fire and cut it at the same time. It would be used for much more practical...uses. For example, you know when you're making pancakes and the batter seeps into the batter of another pancake so it looks like one large, disfigured pancake, when in reality it's two pancakes? You know what I'm talking about? How annoying is that! I mean, you try to cut it with your spatula, but you can never seem to get it all the way through, and before you know it the pancake is burned and you have, through chaos theory, caused the fall of 30 different government systems all around the world. I mean, this could all have been avoided had you had a more practical tool to cut that dang pancake. This is where Spatchet comes into play. You take the spatula, lift the portion where the two pancakes are connected, push a button and a hatchet connected to some pneumatic lever comes flying down to cut the pancake. Sure, I know that this product really is ridiculous, but Spatchet sure is fun to say!

Secondly, i don't know if any of you have ever sat for hours wondering about how weird the word nonsensical is. I know I have...seriously. Maybe during that time you've wondered why it sounds so much like the word Popsicle. I'm going out on a limb here, but perhaps you've even gone so far as to wonder what that word would taste like. Well, this is where THE Nonsensical comes into play. It's a Popsicle in form. It looks like one, it smells like one. It could come in a green or orange variety...you know what a Popsicle looks like. So you go into the experience expecting grape or lime or whatever, and you take a lick...and...this flavor doesn't make any sense! It tastes like bologna, or burnt toast, or...wood. I think it would be great for parties. "Hey! Thanks for coming to my party!" "Yeah, thanks for inviting me. It sure is hot out here!" "Yeah, do you want a Popsicle?" "Oh yeah, sure!" this would be followed by some subtle snickers (not the candy...come to think of it, I don't know how a candy bar could be subtle. I don't think I would want to meet a subtle candy bar. It would probably reach for my wallet, and I would bat it away, look at my friend and be like "What's the deal with your candy bar?" "It's one of those subtle snickers." "Ohhh...."). The person would put the Popsicle in his mouth, take a quick taste and spit it out. He'd say something like, "What the...fried ham?" "Yeah, it's one of them Nonsensicals." "Ohhh..." and everyone would have a good time. I think I could literally solve some disputes with this. That's just my thinking though and I tend to be pretty oblivious about reality.

This is probably what your friend would look like when he tastes The Nonsensical (and if he were a baby).

So there you have it folks. These things are going to be big; I can see it. If you have any other awesome ideas for a product, feel free to comment it! Maybe that way I won't feel like I think of such weird things.

I'll show YOU a super power...

I would submit that one of the most widely propagated questions that people tend to ask, one that is appropriate under any circumstance whether it be a birthday party, a church service, or a date, is the question: if you could have any super power, what would it be and why? Now, I have come up with the ultimate answer to this question, and that is that I would have the ability to control both gravitational and electromagnetic forces because...well...I could basically do anything. BUT, that's not the point of my post. Some of the other answers include flight, shape-shifting, and even mind reading. It is about the last one that I'm going to write.

Now, what is it about mind reading that is appealing to so many people? I mean, I think it would be kind of annoying. think about it: could you control when you read minds? I mean, I don't really want to be hearing about what the guy at Denny's* thinks about his Grand Slam or the diabolical thoughts that the person helping me at KFC may be having. I mean, I know one things for sure. I've had KFC enough to know that if I were to ever work there, the only thoughts I would have when a guy comes in for a family size bucket of Chicken probably wouldn't be the most...well, if you just had some flash of the type of comments that may run through my mind, there's a good chance that you need to start thinking nicer things. Another thing that could be potentially annoying would be the types of minds that could be read. I mean, think about it, what if all you could do is read the mind of an animal? There might be something particularly alluring about repeatedly hearing the barking of a dog but only in your MIND...then again, you might be kind of screwed up.

On a more general note, basically any super power could be annoying. I mean, if someone were to come up to you and could actually grant you a wish of any super power, you better be very careful how you phrase the wish. I mean, everyone's probably seen a show where someone makes a wish and it ends up working out horribly for them. Think about it. Let's say I wished that I could fly, but I wasn't specific on how or when. Imagine the embarrassment I would feel if I were in the middle of taking a test and just randomly flew upwards rapidly into the ceiling, got knocked unconscious, started bleeding out of my head 'n stuff, and woke up with the entire class huddled around me. That would be awful...buuuuuut, then again, maybe I could get a date out of it. The plot thickens...

All in all, I think the fact that people wish they could read minds is largely due to the habit people have developed of..not...talking. Now, I know some people are going to be all like "Ben, you text more than anyone I know! How can you say we need to talk more." And to that I say: grow up. In all seriousness though, I strongly believe that if people would be more honest with each other, there would be less of that science-fictiony desire to read minds.

The morals of this story are as follows:

1) Don't wish to be able to read dogs minds

2) Be careful about flying people in your science class. They could be bewitched.

3) Richie, eat your crust.

4) Always, and I mean ALWAYS, brush your teeth.

and

5) If you do possess the power to fly, always use it to your benefit with the lady folk. Just sayin...

Player Hater

I intentionally labelled this entry the way I did for several reasons. First, to mislead and confuse...because that's just the kind of person I am. Secondly (well, it's basically the same as a reason, but for some reason, everything sounds better when made into a list), because of the many different ways the term "player" could be interpreted. Much to some of  your dismay, I am not going to relate any of my philosophies regarding dating. I'm probably never going to give a look into that mode of thinking I currently occupy. This entry will be detailing my thoughts regarding male sports habits.

This could be linked to my previous post about the constant need of testosterone filled males to prove their manliness when around the women folk.

Something I have been paying particular heed to is vocal tendencies of he-men. I would like to point out that I, on purpose, called them he-men instead of just men. Let me explain why. The difference between a he-man and just a normal man is first (LISTSSSSS!), He-man is an awesome cartoon. nuff said. Secondly, a he-man (outside the specific antithesis of Skeletor), is someone who is not just a man because that explanation in and of itself would come nowhere near the level of manliness inherently contained within this individual's frame. Instead, there comes the need to affix the title he, as if to reinforce the gender non-neutrality of this person. There can never be any confusion as to how much of a man this man is, therefore, we will call him a he-man....or a Male-man (not to be confused with the rejected superhero proposed in the late 70's to Marvel Comics*. ) Either description is just redundant enough to get the point across.

Moving on: there exists a culture amongst most males that I will term as Blinders. In the most extreme case, it would come about as a result of some fierce rage provoked by someone shooting spit wads all high-school-like at a man's face. Other causes may include: stealing a burrito, giving cock-eyed, sidelong glares, a swift kick in the groin, or getting killed five times in a row by the same guy who keeps camping and you can never quite seem to find. Symptoms may include: increased vulgarity in speech, excessively red face, visible fuming, or even possible heart attack.

Here's how it happens**. A group of guys is hanging out with a group of moderately-very attractive women (let's face it, it may sound harsh but if we're around girls we think are ugly, fugly, or even pug fugly, this won't happen). It'll start out by a moderately obvious battle for attention with colloquial conversation. One guy will tell a joke, and then another will try to one up the previous by adding on to the joke. From there, it could go to talking about any number of more refined topics, like sports (yes, refined) or politics. The males, if in disagreement, will attempt to assert their dominance in the conversation either by belittling the other with quips or sarcasm (that's my personal favorite tactic), or by the decibel at which he makes his comments. At that point, one will go to get a drink of water or something of that nature. Given the right circumstances, like in a large crowd and if the one guy has to walk past or even over the other to get out, the person being passed will make a half-hearted jab at the leg or something (to be funny). At that point, the other may retaliate with a quick kick (also joking), but at that point, here come the blinders. The face will turn red, and the unabashed wrestling match begins.

When all is said and done, who wins? Now that's not really an answer for which I can ascribe a generalization. By some strange twist of fate, it turns out that some girls like that. Then again, some girls swoon over sparkley (turns out sparkley isn't in my browsers dictionary. That's frustrating) vampires that don't know how to act, and that's just another one of life's mysteries that I will never understand. It also turns out that, even more shockingly, some people find it disgusting when I pour mounds of easy cheese, at least three times the size of the Wheat Thin*** it's on, and proceed to dump it into my mouth. I think it's blissful. I don't get why others say it's "gross" or "unbecoming" or "satanic". I figure if it tastes somewhat like cheese, it must be cheese. I'm just saying. Getting back on track, some girls find it amusing. I think it's...for lack of a better word, nature. Perhaps some justify it in their mind that they're in some, strange way, expressing their love of nature by embracing some of the more carnal (I mean violent, not lustful) habits. I just think it's ridiculous. Anyway, those are the blinders.

Some of you may be asking the question that I find myself asking..myself...right now. "What is the point of this blog entry?" If you're asking that, you clearly need to stop reading this for any informative value. Just accept my mindless nonsense for what it is (mindless nonsense) and move on with life...and possible make me a cake. I will also accept cookies or sandwiches....or pudding.

That is all.

*Marvel has no affiliation with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.
**As a general rule, these occurrences could happen sequentially, but they don't necessarily need to happen that way. Any one of these could come about                       unprovoked.
***Wheat Thins are in nowise affiliated with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.

The Call of the Champions

I have received much...many much...criticism for the sheer amount of time I spend playing video games. This post is dedicated to all you who have doubted the way I choose to spend my time.

I guess the best way to discredit the arguments against my habit of gaming is to take a quick look at the arguments against it. I think one of the major arguments comes as a result of some people completely enveloping themselves in the virtual world. This tends to come primarily as a result of playing real-time role playing games, such as world of warcraft. I don't know if anyone has actually played W.o.W. (admittedly, I have twice), but it is boring garbage. I mean, one of the reasons I play video games is because it gives me a slight illusion that I'm accomplishing something in a fraction of the time it would take in real life. I mean, if I can build an ore refinery in Command and Conquer in 2 minutes....I mean, take that industry because it'll take you months upon months. Sure, it won't produce anything "REAL" but the sense of accomplishment is still there. These real-time games, where things happen at the same rate that they would, are just a massive waste of time; I don't care how many marsh bats you can kill in a minute, your level 3 firebolt spell will do nothing against my AK-47. Just saying. That being said, all you haters need not worry about me becoming intensively invested in a virtual reality. But, as a bit of an aside, here's the level to which this investment can go: World of World of Warcraft.

The extent that I went into these real time role playing games was Diablo...the original. There was something strangely fulfilling about finding Arkthereon's Warhammer with +3 to light aura and finally banishing Baal to the third ring of Hell. Only a fraction of people will know what I'm talking about, but yeah, you know what I'm talking about. But that's it...and that was years ago.

Nowadays, the fun lies in First-person shooters. I should correct myself, these have been big since Goldeneye. If you don't know what that is, I recommend you go re-live the latter half of the '90s. Followed by Perfect Dark, and then I moved on to Halo 2 (I skipped Halo 1...just in the same way you should skip the first generation model of any new product...or anything by Apple), and then after my mission I discovered Call of Duty and my life hasn't been the same since. Some of you may call the change that has overtaken me "being desensitized," but I beg to differ. I still can't watch some brutally violent movies without throwing up a little in my mouth, but these war style games are different. I have never felt so involved in national security as I did when retaking the White House from those dang Russkis (however you spell it. And that may have been an exaggeration).

Another thing is that people see me play and think I must have spent a long, long time playing a video game to develop the skills I have, but I'll have you know, I learn things quickly. While others were still trying to figure out that the controls from the y-axis weren't actually inverted, I was working on...killing them and laughing hysterically...because that's just the kind of person I am.

To end, let me just say this: I am fully aware that video games aren't the BEST use of my time. That's nothing new. It's a time-killer, so while I'm waiting for that date that never seems to happen, I'll keep rescuing Soap MacTavish from a certain death, and you can READ...or whatever you nerds do.