Attack of the Six Strings

Throughout my many days of observing things (Turns out I've been doing it basically since birth, or so I'm told), there's one thing whose frequency and intensity seems to undulate in varying degrees as the years pass. I don't know if these frequencies are intensified by cosmic rays, interstellar motion, or even just in proportion to Oprah's weight (OH SNAP!), but I cannot deny its existence. In fact, anyone who has any grasp on reality should be fully aware of this phenomenon. To explain what it is, first let me outline a situation:

A group of individuals are hanging out at a house. Typically, every group of friends has what seem to be the stereotypical personality types. There's the shy one, the loud one, the sarcastic one (often termed the mean one, although I don't see what math has to do with this), the ugly one (yeah, we all know who you are), the nerdy one (in my friends, we all fit that type), the flirt, and then there's the last guy, the one about whom I'm going to spend the rest of my time speaking. We all know one. I like to label him as the "Guitar Guy."

I don't mean for anyone to misunderstand. I have nothing against the instrument, and I'm sure that the majority of people who learn to play the guitar learn to do it simply because they love the instrument. Also, girls are exempt from this stereotype, but I'll explain why later. I'm talking about the guy who goes out of his way to play the guitar, and we all know he's not doing it for "love of the instrument." Some may argue, "You're just bitter because you can't do it." No. You're wrong. I could do it if I wanted to. Sure, it would take a while to learn, but I don't have any desire to learn it. I'm perfectly content just mediocre...ly singing along with awesome songs from the 80's like "Rio" and "Total Eclipse of the Heart," and making stupid jokes, and...being labeled as "awkward."

As further clarification to whom I'm referring when I talk about these types of people, I'm going to go through a fairly common social scenario. I'm going to show how most people would act, and then I'll contrast it with how this person acts. Here goes.

Friend 1: Hey, what should we do tonight?
Friend 2: I don't know. It's really cold outside, so I don't really want to...go...outside.
Friend 1: We could go sledding or something. Is there snow anywhere?
Friend 2: Yeah, but that's outside. Find me an indoor hill, and I'm all over it. Heck, if you can find an indoor hill, I will personally grind up ice for us to sled on.
Friend 1: You're a dork. I don't know. Are there any good movies out?
Friend 3: Hey, where's your guitar?
Friend 1: I...don't...have one...
Friend 3: Oh, good thing I always carry mine with me in my car, you know, because I don't have anything to put into a conversation.
Friend 1: Yeah, ok. So any good movies?
Friend 2: I heard that one with (insert famous actor here) is pr....
Friend 3: Strum. I'm your...Strum. Hold on guys, I got it. Strum. Strum. Wait, no, no, this is it. Strum.
Girl 1: Oh I love that song!
Friend 1 to Friend 2: How the crap can this chick even know what the heck he's playing?

Okay, I admit that this is a bit of an exaggeration. And, to be frank, if situations occurred like this, I think I would be okay with it. But I think it highlights several important aspects of how it occurs. Recently I had a conversation with a friend about this subject. I would like to quote him here.

"What bugs me most about the guitar scene. Is everyone is about at the same level. That level being the "crap" level. Like I can play a couple chords and know some struming techniques. But rare is the really good guitarist. And I always feel that one should be asked to play. We don't want volunteers. I mean I'm average at the Kazoo, but you don't see me whipping that out at camp fires. At least not untill I'm asked. And i know, FOR A FACT, that (name deleted) isn't half bad at the rythm block, but you wouldn't know it from him."

Well said, my friend. I can, however, seeing several arguments stemming from this topic. Some may say that it would be wrong for them not to play. Granted, we aren't supposed to "hide our talents," but at the same time, we're not supposed to drop our talents in front of the homeless people just to show them that we have some. It's a delicate balance. Also, some might argue that they just love playing the guitar. Here's my counter argument: how about you develop a personality. I mean, sure, you may get the girls at first. But eventually you'll run out of songs to sing and actually have to talk to her. What are you going to do then? Hmmm? I would say that there's a time and a season for everything. Hanging out in a big group is the time for honing your social skills, developing relationships with those who you're around by interacting, and not for becoming some distorted, new-age pied piper, trying to lure away unsuspecting 18 or 19 year old women.

As I promised, here's why women are immune to this classification of social injustice (yes, I know there's nothing unjust...injust (ingest?) about this.) Women don't rely on guitars to impress guys. In fact, women know that it's not the way to go, unless you're really going for someone who's "in touch with his feelings." If that's your kind of man, just go down to the library and look for the kid with eyeliner and who's writing in his journal. I'm pretty sure he's "in touch" with everything...but reality. Anyway, women know that the way to go about impressing a guy is by talking about sports, or being good at video games, or making them food (sure, it may be stereotypical, but I'm fairly confident it would work with 98% of the guys I know), and not by playing guitar (although, in some cases, it may just work out for you. But if you decide to go that route, you may as well throw in some steak to be safe.)

I understand that this post probably sounds a bit bitter. I guess it depends on the day (you know...manic-depressive). But seriously, if you're one of the guitar players, I have nothing against you playing the guitar. Heck, develop your own fan club for all I care, complete with groupies and...snacks...and meetings, but, please, for all the rest of our sanities' sake (I've never had to pluralize sanity before), just go into a different room (or jump off a bridge). As much as I like having slightly less-than-good background music in all my conversations, I don't think it would take away from the experience as a whole if it were to simply...vanish.