The Fall of Rome

Yeah, right. Like I would actually write about a real topic.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about "coolness," or what would more aptly be termed "perceived coolness." Maybe it started with my 11th grade physics lecture on the Theory or Relativity, and how in most cases there isn't an absolute (at first, that may seem like an incomplete sentence, but I assure you that it was intentional.) Now, I understand that there are people out there who are firmly committed to the supposed fact that they're "cool," or "the bee's knees" (a saying that has always confused me. I mean, think about it. Knees? Do bees have knees? If so, why are they so cool? Maybe only a certain group of bees have knees, which is why they're so desirable, but I digress.) I'm going to spend this post discussing the factors that seem to determine "coolness," and how I think they should change.

For the most part, I think coolness is determined by the factor that is the fact that a smaller group of the mass has something, some possession, that is not had by the masses, which causes envy amongst the general public. For example, think of the first guy to have a toothbrush. I don't know about you, but if I was having to somehow engineer a way to maintain oral hygiene, and I saw some guy with a toothbrush, I would basically kill for it. In fact, I would probably kill him with the toothbrush he was waving in my face. "Not so cool now, is it, jerk!?" But who knows what kind of blood feuds that could start. I imagine that the downfall of the Incan empire was actually caused that way. It's just science. That's all I'm saying.

There's one aspect of the defintion I've stated above that I don't really understand, however, and that revolves around what people call "smarts." Obviously, not everyone has them. Heh. Yeah, definitely not everyone has them. If you don't believe me (for some really, really strange reason), just...go talk to someone. Chances are they're dumb, but that also runs the risk of you being dumb (not saying you are), and you, then, wouldn't pick up on it. STUPID! (What's in the box?) I'm not trying to say that I don't understand why everyone isn't smart. Between drugs, MTV, and Twilight, I can see how some people are just dumbed down by these influences(I couldn't resist, but seriously, people, I don't care how attractive they are claimed to be, they're bad actors. BOVERED!) What I don't get is how being smart became uncool. Now, I've dwelled on this subject for a while before, and I imagine it went a little something like this: A guy marries a girl, the guy gets a good job which requires him to spend a fair amount of time researching and studying and what not, so the girl gets a little neglected. In turn, the girl finds another guy who doesn't read, or research, or...think, to fill the void. The first guy and girl get a divorce, the second guy and girl get married. The first guy gets depressed, drinks himself to death, and at the funeral the old wife says, "Drinking yourself to death? Not cool." The girl was Mrs. Butterworth, the second man was Mr. Freeze, and the first man was Mr. Freeze's nerdy older brother Phil (Obviously Mrs. Butterworth kept her maiden name after the marriage for marketing reasons). And there you have it. From that point on, smartness was associated with being uncool. You may have a hard time picking up the connection, but it's there. Just dig deeper. I speak in parables.

It's also entirely possible that those who are prone to excessive social interaction were labeled with the title of "cool," simply because they were around people TO label them. I mean, I can spend as much time around my computer, but it's not going to just randomly say, "Hey, man, you're really cool!" Sure, I could program it to do that, but then it would just seem forced, you know? It's kind of like if you tell someone that you enjoy they're company, and then they immediately say that they like your company as well. It just seems forced.

So, in turn, I propose we abandon these supposed stereotypes of what coolness is. I mean, dude from Bountiful, your popped collar and gelled hair may make you think you're cool, but you're actually just a tool. I don't care how much time you spend tanning and how much your sun glasses cost, you're still a tool. Oh yeah? You have an iPhone? I hate to break it to you, but your iPhone won't stand a chance against my Android (this time I'm referring to the robot.) Hey, is there a defibrillator app? Oh, that sucks. Your heart stopped, and I rule the world. Who's cool now?