Wait...what?

Today I wanted to discuss something that has come up for me on quite the regular basis. It is a trait I possess which, in my opinion, can often come off in a way that is not intended. Those who know me well know about it, but it's often the people who I don't know with whom I get in trouble for it. This is the trait of memory. I'm going to be discussing how this trait affects me in both a social and an academic level.

I have some friends who said that they can, in the future, see me working as the guy who stands by a high-ranking politician, telling them the name of the individual who they are about to speak. You know, the guy that stands next to (insert politician's name), and when some weird looking lady walks up to him, just before he whispers "this is Lady Henrity von Hamstead, son of the famous Duke von Hamstead of northern Belgium. He invented the waffle iron." And then the politician can then address the person specifically, and the lady feels good because the politician "remembered" her. Now, I have to say, if I were to ever do that, I probably wouldn't be able to keep the job long, and this is why: the lady would walk up, and I'd say "This is Lady (blah blah blah), she's the daughter of (blah blah blah) and she's currently having intimate relations with your son." And then the politician would be all mad and start blowin' stuff up...like in the movies, and then I'd get blamed for some sort of international incident. At least it would give me another item to throw on my resume. "Causes international incidents." I hear a lot of employers are looking for that these days.

Anyway, let's get back to my original intentions. Here's how this affects me on a social level. I overhear someone talking about someone else. I quickly put some pieces of a puzzle together in my head and am able to associate a  name with a face. I see this person at a social event, say something to her (yes, let's be honest, 90% of the time it'll be a her. I don't see a ton of value, in my current setting, in remembering a bunch of dudes' names), and then she'll be like "what's your name?" I'll respond, and I'll say "You're ______, right?" And she'll get all creeped out and file a restraining order. All because I remember things and make connections quickly. Is there justice in the world? No. Well, sometimes. I think you'd be surprised how often this happens, except I've learned. If I know the person's name in any other way than from direct, personal contact, dont' tell the person I know the name. The situation above would be more like this: "what's your name?" "Ben, what's yours? Because...I....totally...don't know it...already." And then an awkward silence follows, and I ride off into the sunset. Don't believe me? Well, it's science.

Moving on to academics: I'm fairly confident that most academics are not necessarily designed to gauge someone's pure intellect, but they're more specifically designed to test the memory. Some might argue that they're directly connected. To that, I would respond "You're a witch!" and then burn you at the stake. Let that be a lesson to you. Don't connect unconnected scientific principles.
I'm firmly convinced that the only reason I do remotely well in my classes is because of my memory. I don't read text books. Period. Sure, I look at them, but that's about it. I gain as much information doing that as a bank teller would from cashing a check. Don't worry, the analogy didn't make sense to me either, but the meaning is still the same (Ben, you numskull, how can you relate something to an analogy that you don't even know the meaning of and say it means the same thing as something else? -- See what I did there? I took away your argument and made it myself. That's just good poetry. No, that's not poetry at all. Get a job.) But seriously, people, memory - good.

In closing, I just want to say a few things. First off, I'm crazy tired, so I'll probably read this entry another day and be firmly convinced I was on some sort of...drug. But I'm not, other than the drug of too much sun exposure, which isn't a drug (I hope.) Secondly, here's my advice: if you want to improve your memory, get a brain implant. I hear they're doing those these days. If that doesn't work, literally stare at any box of food and start memorizing nutrition facts. Sure, it may not be directly applicable to anything you'll ever need to recall, but then again, it might. That's all I'm trying to say.

If you're still reading this, well, I just don't know what to say to you...