Elementary Goodness

Recent adventures in dodgeball have got me thinking...about things...of a simpler nature. I don't know if anyone else ever does this, but I have made a habit on thinking back on how great life was in elementary school. Sure, I know no where near what I know now, and I'd like to think I'm considerably more sociable now than I was (Although I'm sure there are people out there who would disagree), there were certain elements of life that were just...awesome, for lack of a better word. This post will be dedicated to exploring some of the aspects of life that have simply disappeared.

One word: tether-ball. Two words: is awesome. Yeah, I said it. I don't bring up tether-ball specifically to bring up tether-ball. I'm using it as a symbol of all those awesome games we used to play in elementary school. Like...hanging from the monkey bars...motionless...for hours. That wasn't a regular habit of mine, but I'm sure SOMEONE did it. Remember when hopscotch used to be fun? Remember when your feet could fit into those tiny squares? I sure do, and I miss it. What I would give for the size of feet I had then...but strangely paired with the 6 foot tall body I have now. That would be awesome. Sure, it may look like something out of some stupid horror film ("AHH! HE HAS.....small feet...?" That's how it would go.) Remember sliding down a 4 foot metal slide while standing up? I do, although I shouldn't. Let me put it this way: I found out then that metal gets excessively slippery when it's wet.

Recess. Yeah...not the TV show, although that still is fantastic. Have you ever thought back on recess? Did you think about the fact that it was 15 minutes long? Yeah. 15 Minutes. That's like....one and a half games of Modern Warfare. That's nothing now. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days when 15 minutes was an eternity. Not to mention the fact that by the time we got to the playground and organized soccer teams there was only 10 minutes left. But it was awesome! Why was it awesome!? I don't know that answer yet, but I'm trying to figure it out.

I'm just going to say: work load. Nuff said.

Lastly, I loved how simple the inter-person interaction was. Boys were afraid of girls, and this, for some reason, empowered girls. They must have known that we, at that young age, had yet to develop our immunity to cooties (some of us are still working on that immunity.) I'm still convinced that cooties are real. At that age, they repulsed us, but somewhere between then and now, there occurred an re-polarization of our cooties receptors, and cooties happen to be the thing that draw men to women. Some call them "hormones." I'm convinced that's just a fancy name for cooties. Yes. If you're not careful, they could still infect you. The thing I've never figured out regarding that is: how come only boys were sensitive to them? Could this be because guys don't have them? We all know, as learned from The Simpsons, that cooties come from the girl's butt. That's just science. I don't know....just something to think about.

Oh yeah, and the clearly racially insensitive Power Rangers. Think about it.

Anyway, elementary school was awesome. I want part of it back...but not all of it. I think I'll survive without the 8:30 bedtime.

Everybody Gloats

Alright people, I've reached one of my personal marks of excellence. Sure, this will never come into play in my profession, but I think it helps my resume for nerdiness. What am I talking about? Well, let me show you rather than tell you. Here it is:

I don't know if you can read it, but this is the score I got on my typing test today. Sure, I tried like 30 times, but I got it to 100. It's like a real world video game. Yes, I recognize this is nothing to be proud of, but half of the things I excel at aren't exactly things that most people would be proud of, so dont' judge me. Hey, you in the red, stop judging me.

This Semester In Review

It's official, folks. Another semester done and finished. The purpose of this post will to go back and recount some of the important life lessons that I have learned. Now, these lessons can each be applied in their own respective circles, and these are by no means a generalized statement on what everyone should spend time learning. In other words, I'm not going to be talking about things that I have sought after but the little lessons in life that we all just happen to come upon. For example, in the movie Remember the Titans, Gary Bertier happened to learn not to get hit by a truck. That's the kind of lesson I'm talking about.

Lesson #1

Longboarders, although a menace to campus, do serve their own comedic purposes.

Lesson #2

When someone else asks "How long do this project take you?" always use hyperbole.

Lesson #3

If being encountered by a final project that is stressing you out, just play video games. You may fail the class, but you may have failed anyway (Adapted from a Deep Thought by Jack Handy).

Lesson #4

Just because I'm an engineer doesn't mean I have to be an engineer.

--------Explanations----------

Lesson #1 - Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about longboarders on campus. There's something about not having a native braking system that just irks me. One of my dreams in life is to tackle an unsuspecting longboarder for no other reason than I believe it would be hilarious. Although I think they're the bane of college students (well, one of the many banes...others including keggers and homework), I do recognize that they do serve a purpose: so I can laugh at them when they fall. No, I don't think I'm being insensitive. I think it's an inferred contract that every longboarder agrees to when they step on that board the first time: if you fall, people will laugh at you. Cause and effect, people. The only thing funnier than a longboarder eating it on campus is a longboarder eating it on campus because he was trying to impress a girl. When that happens, I know life is good.

Lesson #2 - I think the fear of homework is often more debilitating than homework itself. I'll make a quick note that lessons 2 and 3 are very related, so I'll try not to repeat myself. I tend to be the guy that goes into a project way later than everyone else, and as a result, I'm the guy that asks the question, "So how long have you been working on this?" More often than not, the response is something like "Four hours yesterday, three hours today, and I still think I'm two hours from finished." And then I wet myself. 3 hours later I finish my project, and I realize the interesting strategem by which I had been played (it's entirely possible that the person actually did spend that much time on it, but I'm just saying that it would be a clever tactic to deter competition.)

Lesson #3 - Final projects...gotta love 'em. I had a final project that was worth 15% of my final grade, and although I intended to start it two weeks before it was due...I didn't. Turns out I didn't start it until the day it was due. Smart? No. Not even close. So, two days before it was due, I was freaking out...much. So, what did I do? Played video games. Some may think that I'm ridiculous, and I am. I'll give you that, but it worked out. No, I will not have failed the class. It was actually pretty awesome how it turned out and gave me a nice boost in self-esteem, but I wouldn't recommend this tactic for the average person. If it takes you longer than an hour to write a 1 page paper, don't do this. That's my disclaimer.

Lesson #4 - At first glace, this may one of the more confusing sentences I've written in this blog, but let me explain. There is a definite sterotype that hovers around engineers. Every time I tell someone I'm an electrical engineering major, the first sentence out of their mouth is: you must be smart. When people think of the smart kids, another phrase usually follows: socially awkward. Personally, I would like to think I fall in the first category but not genuinely in the second (some may argue, but it's true). I wrote an entire post about socially akward smart kids I've come across in my classes, so I'll sum it up in a sentence: I don't get excited about the prospect of approaching an attractive woman, saying "you're pretty," and walking away. Nuff said.

That's just a brief glimpse at the lessons I've learned. I could go on, but maybe I'll save some of the others for a later post. Feel free to comment.

Stubborn? Hardly.

Recently I've been receiving a large number in questions regarding my stance on a certain subject. For those of you who have been living in a cave, the movie "Avatar" broke the record for being the highest grossing movie of all time, but I refuse to get caught up in the hype. People are always coming up to me and saying "but it's SOOOO good. Why don't you want to watch it?" Well, for those who may have asked that question, this post is for you.

First off, I think ONE of the major reasons it was so vastly popular and ground-breaking in the theaters was due to it's innovative 3D effects and viewing experience. In response to this, let me tell you a story. When I was a bit younger, probably 16 or 17, I purchased a game for the Xbox called "Medal of Honor: Rising Sun". I had previously played games like Halo and such, but this game was a vastly new experience for me. Why? Well, let me tell you: because of something I call "getting the throw-ups." This can be induced by several things, namely viruses, blows to the...you know...man area, and severe motion sickness. I have always had a weak stomach, but this game broke new ground in my life because it made me motion sick without ever moving. I have dubbed this as one of the 3 phenomena in life that separate us from the animals (the other two our ability to amplify sound and the fact that we can use firearms.) If a video game made me motion sick, I have severe consternation (not constipation...I know you all were thinking it) about 3D movies for that reason. I'm not a huge fan of blowing chunks in a movie theater, but I would rather do that than go through the experience of watching Twilight again.

Yes, I know there is the non-3D route for watching Avatar, but there is more than one reason as to why I have no desire to watch it. There are few things that make me more angry than remakes....but it only happens if I know it's a remake (Just to clarify, this doesn't make me "wanting to punch something" angry. It's more of the "quietly fester and mutter stuff under my breath until I eventually go crazy and drive a car off a cliff" crazy. Most of you should know what that feels like). For example, last weekend I found out that someone redid the classic song called "Africa" by Toto (Dang you, Karl Wolf), and...well, let's just say there was more festering done than at a Jimmy Eat World concert (you know, when the fans realize that the SUCK live.) That being said, I know the plot of Avatar. I've done my research, and it turns out that it's no more than "An Inconvenient Dances With Fernahontas In Space" (Thanks to Havasupai25 for that one. you know who you are). When I use that statement people usually respond with something like "But the special effects are so cool!" To that I say, the last time I watched a movie for the sake of special effects was when I watched "2012." 'Nuff said.

So, here's my plan. I'm going to watch Avatar without ever watching Avatar. Think I'm crazy? Well, yeah, but have a listen (or read.) I'm going to set up 5 different TV's in the same room. Each one will be playing a different movie: Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, Fern Gully, An Inconvenient Truth, and The Day After Tomorrow will each be playing on their own TV, and when the last movie ends...BOOM! I've watched Avatar. It's got the eco-friendly story lines of An Inconvenient Truth, the lovable characters of Fern Gully, the anti-white man sentiments of Dances with Wolves, the genocide of Pocahontas (maybe I watched a different version of the show than you...?), and the special effects of The Day After Tomorrow..I may throw in a performance by the Blue Man Group just to get the colors right (also playing the Force Unleashed and walked around the world of Felucia would suffice). Bada-bing, bada-boom. Some of you may argue that that's WAY more work than watching Avatar, but I figure that between setting up all the screens and videos and watching the movies, I figure it should still take less time than watching Avatar would.

As a bit of an afterthought, yes, I admit I will probably eventually watch the movie. It'll probably come during one of those times when I have time to waste, so instead of wasting my time watching the latest installment of "the Fast and the Furious" series, I'll plop in Avatar and...fall asleep. There's a good chance I'll enjoy it, but in the mean time, I'll continue to adhere to my obstinate position. After all, it is one of the things that separates us from the animals (It falls in the category of amplifying sound.....
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Don't think about it too hard. I realize that it doesn't make sense.)

Ever talked to yourself? Well, you should.

I've never really understood why some people ostracize those who talk to themselves. Yeah. I said it. I don't get it. Why don't I get it? It's not just because I do it. No, I don't think that makes me crazy. Honestly, I think if someone has the ability to switch personalities so fast and so frequently as to have a legitimate conversation with themselves, their efforts should be applauded. Now, keep in mind, this is assuming that none of the personalities are violent. If the personality is violent, stay away from my family because I don't want to have to introduce you to my friends: knuckles and...other fist. So, remember that, don't come around my family if you have violent personalitieS (emphasis on the plural. I can deal with one. I'm an expert peace maker, and i'm not talking about the gun. I'm not a gun. Nor do I have guns. that shouldn't come as a surprise. This parenthetical phrase is ended now). 

I've talked a little about some of the nutty or zany people that I've encountered in my time spent downtown. For some STRANGE reason, it just makes my day when I see a man yelling at...something...while standing on a street corner.  I just have to wonder what is happening in that person's mind. I bet they're having a party, unless they deal with paranoia, in which case they definitely are not having a party. But that's a much heavier topic and has no place in this blog. If you wish to deal with the heavier topics, consult your physician. Why? I don't know. It just felt right to say.

The moral of this story is that we shouldn't look at people funny when they talk to themselves. In fact, if we see someone talking to their self (or a form of their self), don't giggle. Don't look at them funny. Just think about what they could be thinking. I bet it could be fun (generally, I haven't come across people who are having a jolly old time when they're talking to themselve (?) (That word is hard from a grammatical standpoint. I can never be sure which form of it to use in which context. Come to think of it, I've never had to think of it until now. Let's hope it doesn't come up in one  of my engineering classes or I am in BIG trouble) As a general rule, they're yelling. I don't know why they're so mad. Maybe one of their personalities moved their favorite shirt and isn't telling them where it is. I don't know...just an idea.) You know, now that I think about it, if I saw someone on a street corner just giggling to themselves (?), I think I might be a little more...weirded out...than if they were yelling. There's just something creepy about giggling. yeah, that's right. I admitted it. Teenage girls are creepy.

There you have it folks. I just wrote a defense against self-conversation. I don't think it would hold up in a court of law (maybe in Missouri it would), but it's just my standpoint. Don't hate what you don't understand. Put yourself in their shoes (not literally because it could very well be the only pair they own. Yes, I just put a stereotype of people who talk to themselves. Get over it.) Everyone needs company...even when you don't have anyone to keep you company. Just beware the gigglers....

Best...Movie...Ever

I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but there seems to be a great influx of disaster based movies permeating society these days. It could be a result of many-a-thing. Perhaps it's due to the fact that we're quickly bearing down on the predicted Mayan Apocalypse (I need to put a disclaimer regarding that phrase. I know it's far from an adequate way to describe what that whole Dec. 21, 2012 thing is, because had they really been smart, they would have been able to predict the end of their civilization. Just saying.). Maybe it's the day somebody will finally eat an entire cow by himself (Some of you politically correct fiends may be upset with how I genderized that term, but let's be honest, it'll be a dude). With that in mind, I had a GREAT idea for a movie. Once again, I'm being honest: it's gonna be HUGE.

So, let me set the stage: Manhattan (every good disaster movie happens in Manhattan....and I say "good" disaster movie, but I mean...well, they're never that good, but moving on...). The year is 2011. Without going into a whole lot of detail, some bad things happen. Meteors, tidal waves (a term I've never understood. If it's a wave related to tides, you'd think they'd be more common), Velociraptors eating everyone's dinner, Carl Marx returning from the grave. You get the picture: stuff's gonna 'splode. Anyway, people are dying left and right. Humanity's numbers are quickly dwindling, kind of like at the end of the Book of Ether. Bad. Ultimately, there are only a handful of people left and they are trapped in a building that's...I don't know....being consumed by molten lava, and then it fades to black. Yep, everyone died. At the end of the movie, the title of the movie will be replayed (as seems to be a common theme these days). Big, bold letters say: Everyone Dies. It fades to black. Wait for it.....wait for it.....wait for it....and then it comes back. There it says it: Everyone dies....and then a subtitle comes in and says: ...but one. And it shows a flash of a man who inexplicably survived the molten lava attack (attack?).

The reason why I think this is perfect is because it'll give everyone the destruction they want, and it also gives people the killing they want. On the opposite side, it gives people hope because someone survived, and it sets it up for a great sequel. It'll be called "The Last Man on Earth", kind of like I Am Legend. Except at the end of that movie, the subtitle will read "Died Too". So really everyone dies...it just takes two movies of nonsense to get it done.

Anyway, I think it'll work. I've also been given other ideas for movies by a dear friend of mine called "Explosion" where it just shows a guy running and explosions going off around him for two hours. Another idea (from the same friend) is called "in the dark," where a team of explorers find a very deep cave. Ten minutes into their journey into their cave, their lamps fail, and the rest of the movie is audio only. Yeah. Good ideas, I know.

<---Yep. Imagine staring at that for an hour and a half while only hearing a bunch of rustling and someone occasionally saying "What's that?" or "Did you hear that?" Winner.

Anywho, there's just another glimpse of the things I spend my time thinking about. Yeah, I think I need to get out more.

But Wait! There's More!

Over the years, I've been barraged with various ideas from people who are looking to market the next big gadget. One of my biggest goals is to make my own infomercial, even though that goal, in and of itself, is highly unrealistic. This entry of my blog will be divided into two sections. First, I'm going to talk about what my infomercial would be like, and second, I'm going to discuss a few potential products that some of my friends and I have come up with over the years.

One of my favorite things about an infomercial is when they're starting the intro, and it usually goes something like this:  Have you ever been frustrated at how much you have to change your cat's litter? And then they procure some miracle cat litter sifting product that does everything but make the cat breakfast (for now. I hear some companies in Taiwan are currently working on having a machine do that, although some skeptics have begun questioning where the machine gets the material from which it makes the breakfast. I'll leave it at that). In those infomercials, that portion just comprises a small segment of the introduction. In MY infomercial, it's going to be the majority of what we talk about. It'll go more something like this (imagine i'm marketing one of those forearm strengthening thingys): have you ever looked down ashamedly at the size of your forearms (keep in mind these scenarios will all be acted out by REALLY awesome actors)? Have you ever been passed by on the street by the girl of your dreams just because you could gather the courage to look her in the face because you knew you wouldn't be able to help her open her pickle jars? Do you ever sit for hours at a time wondering how you could even have friends because you can barely give a good handshake? Seriously, do you ever sit for similar reasons and wonder why you were even born? And then the product is introduced. Those who know me know that I like to take the stance of an extremist in some arguments. Not that I actually believe those things, but everyone needs a little extreme in your life, whether it's sports, religious radicalism, or even signing up to do one of those old Surge commercials. The scenarios in the infomercial would then get worse and worse and worse. I don't know at what point it would stop, but I think I've got a good thing going there.

Now, I will just briefly explain some of the ideas that I (I use the term 'I' to reference my friends and myself simply to make it simpler...for me. I don't intend to take all the credit for these awesome products because they're most definitely not all my ideas.)

First off, the Spatchet. The catch phrase would be something like "Got a problem? SPATCHET!" What it is is essentially the mixture of a spatula and a hatchet. Now, some may be wondering why we would ever need a spatula AND a hatchet. No, it wouldn't be for those times you're looking to flip a burning log in the fire and cut it at the same time. It would be used for much more practical...uses. For example, you know when you're making pancakes and the batter seeps into the batter of another pancake so it looks like one large, disfigured pancake, when in reality it's two pancakes? You know what I'm talking about? How annoying is that! I mean, you try to cut it with your spatula, but you can never seem to get it all the way through, and before you know it the pancake is burned and you have, through chaos theory, caused the fall of 30 different government systems all around the world. I mean, this could all have been avoided had you had a more practical tool to cut that dang pancake. This is where Spatchet comes into play. You take the spatula, lift the portion where the two pancakes are connected, push a button and a hatchet connected to some pneumatic lever comes flying down to cut the pancake. Sure, I know that this product really is ridiculous, but Spatchet sure is fun to say!

Secondly, i don't know if any of you have ever sat for hours wondering about how weird the word nonsensical is. I know I have...seriously. Maybe during that time you've wondered why it sounds so much like the word Popsicle. I'm going out on a limb here, but perhaps you've even gone so far as to wonder what that word would taste like. Well, this is where THE Nonsensical comes into play. It's a Popsicle in form. It looks like one, it smells like one. It could come in a green or orange variety...you know what a Popsicle looks like. So you go into the experience expecting grape or lime or whatever, and you take a lick...and...this flavor doesn't make any sense! It tastes like bologna, or burnt toast, or...wood. I think it would be great for parties. "Hey! Thanks for coming to my party!" "Yeah, thanks for inviting me. It sure is hot out here!" "Yeah, do you want a Popsicle?" "Oh yeah, sure!" this would be followed by some subtle snickers (not the candy...come to think of it, I don't know how a candy bar could be subtle. I don't think I would want to meet a subtle candy bar. It would probably reach for my wallet, and I would bat it away, look at my friend and be like "What's the deal with your candy bar?" "It's one of those subtle snickers." "Ohhh...."). The person would put the Popsicle in his mouth, take a quick taste and spit it out. He'd say something like, "What the...fried ham?" "Yeah, it's one of them Nonsensicals." "Ohhh..." and everyone would have a good time. I think I could literally solve some disputes with this. That's just my thinking though and I tend to be pretty oblivious about reality.

This is probably what your friend would look like when he tastes The Nonsensical (and if he were a baby).

So there you have it folks. These things are going to be big; I can see it. If you have any other awesome ideas for a product, feel free to comment it! Maybe that way I won't feel like I think of such weird things.