The Alfalfa Male

I love my fraternity outings. As per my last count, I've been to at least seven of them, which I guess makes me old...relatively. Granted, half of the people who are calling me old are 18, but I like to say I'm "seasoned" when it comes to fraternity outings. There's one thing I wanted to dwell on for a moment, in reflection after this most recent pledge retreat, and that's the notion of competition.

As a general rule, guys tend to be pretty competitive. With most character attributes, when people get together in a group, certain characteristics cancel each other out, but the competitive nature of 18-24-year-old males amplify when in groups. For the most part, there comes a desire to prove to the rest of the group ones' dominance. Granted, with such a large group, there will be a wide assortment of personalities, so not EVERYONE is competing for the elusive title; there are some who simply sit back and chuckle at the guys who are trying to prove something. Well, I'll bring it back down a little bit more, when i say "there are some who...sit back," that's actually the majority of people. What I have found is that there are generally a handful of people who want to show everyone else how manly they are. Maybe it's fed by some inert desire to gain the approval of their peers. Perhaps it's contributed to by a subconscious questioning of their own manliness. I'm convinced that there is a type of person who simply just needs attention, and when they don't have attention, there's a little part of their self (possibly the gall bladder) that shrivels like a raisin. If there is anything an 18-year-old male wants less than a shriveled attention gland (the left kidney?), I would like to hear about it.

The moral of the story is not that men are attention starved beasts (Honestly, if you took that out of this, I'ma punch you), but the moral is more on an entertainment level. Next time you're in a big group of people, find the couple of guys who need to prove  that they are an alpha male. There's always at least one, and they usually stick out like a sore thumb (which, by the way, is an axiom that I've never really understood, but I do know it's apt. APT!). When you find them, just follow them the rest of the night, because you're guaranteed a night of better appreciation of what you are not, if you know what I'm sayin'.

TEEEEEEEEETH!

Okay, So I just had to add something. I started watching Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, and I noticed something that I have never noticed before.  Yep. You got it right. Teeth. Everyone always comments on how bad the British..es? 's? teeth are, but this stuck out to me more than some things. Snaggle tooth to the max. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------^
Also, I have to comment on a few other things about the movie. First off, when Charlie is opening his birthday present and everyone is secretly expecting him to get the golden ticket, and he opens it and gasps, and then turns around and says, "I fooled you didn't I? I bet you thought I really had it." Now, he doesn't have a very playful tone in his voice when he says it, and he actually sounds rather depressed. That's just messed up. I don't know what was going through THOSE writers' minds, but that's just cruel. If that level of excitement were to pass through those grandparents' lives in real life, I'm pretty sure it would kill them. That's just rude.

Also, what's up with that Mike Teevee kid? When he's being interviewed after he found the ticket, he just randomly pulls out his toy gun and starts shooting. No, that's not all, after that he says "Just wait until I get a real one..." Now, it is just a child, but if that were to escape a child's mouth nowadays he would IMMEDIATELY be put into therapy...or anger management...or something. Awesome.

I love the old movies like this. Just makes your insides feel all warm and fuzz...but not fuzzy because that would be gross.

If wishes were fishes...

So I've been thinking the past couple days on something about which to write (I'm so good at grammar), but I've been drawing a blank. Let me take this moment to express a few things. First, I think it's kind of rude when people make me think a lot. I mean, it's not like I allocate a certain number of calories per day that I can burn thinking. I mean, seriously. There are a lot of other things I would rather spend my energy thinking about, like how I can improve my K/D ration rather than thinking about the rms-velocity of a nitrogen molecule. Also, other acceptable things to think about are as follows: how I can get more of my oreo in the milk without having to sacrifice finger dryness, how far I can walk away from my house and still have my wifi connected, or even how to get that blasted pack of hotdogs into the ziploc bag and NOT spill the juices.

Secondly, I sometimes just wish the weather would make up its mind....and yes, it has gotten to the point where I am talking about weather. Turns out the angels haven't been properly hydrating their scalps (that's my cute little analogy for snow, but it does make you want to think twice about catching a snowflake on your tongue.) This morning it was snowing very lightly as I walked to class, but if was PRRRREEEEETTY much melted by the time I was walking home. The only thing more capricious than the weather here is NEW JERSEYYYYY. Okay, that reference will be lost on 100% of people who read this.

Lastly, I'm getting really tired of this whole vampire phase that girls between the age of birth and 45 are going through. The first boundary of that range is PROBABLY too low, but I swear I heard my little niece talking about Edward...or Edgar....or Ruger. I'll tell you what, I wouldn't mind taking a Ruger to Edward. I'm hoping it passes soon because if there are any more vampire tv shows that come out, I'm going to flip a lid...I haven't decided which lid to flip, but I'm going to flip SOMETHING. You know, maybe I'll flip a couple lids...why not? I've got time, except it's being occupied by that solving that Oreo predicament.

So did anyone hear about the new update that Apple is putting out on all its devices: iPod, iPhone, and iPad are all included. It's called the iPatch, and it's supposed to remove all the PIRATED software. There's a reason I don't do comedy.

I'm constantly looking for new music, but I'm kind of picky. If anyone has any suggestions on some new music to look up, let me know. That is all.

What the...robot?

So I was recently watching Rocky IV, and I was reintroduced to one of the greatest director's decisions ever in all cinematic history. I picture the boardroom planning meeting going a little something like this. "So, Rocky has been winning boxing matches for a long time...we need something to show that he's 'with it.' Something that says: I am HIP!" "How about......he wears gold chains...." "Ummm, we're talking about Rocky, right? You do realize he's uber white." "yeah, yeah. Maybe he could get in touch with his 'soul' side." "OKAY, he's not going to wear ghetto pimp chains! Any other ideas?" "So, computers are getting pretty big. How about a computer?" "No, we need something more...not readily accessible by the public. What's better than computers?" "ROBOTS!" "BRILLIANT." and so they gave Rocky a robot...to give to Paulie....and Paulie falls in love with it. See what happens when you give lonely old men something that will talk to them?

But seriously, of all the unneeded aspects of movies, I think this one takes the cake. Yes, I'm even saying this is better than the fem-bot in Transformers 2 and WAY better than watching Vin Diesel sliding across an oil soaked floor while being shot at, and the oil on the floor magically doesn't ignite. Heck, I'll even say it's better than the iPad.

There he is...in all his majestic brilliance. Well, I guess I should say "she," since Paulie creepily programmed it to have a woman's voice...hence the falling in love part.

If anyone has any more unnecessary parts of film, please enlighten me.






I just want to close by saying: there's nothing more inspiring than watching a work-out montage with fantastic 80's music going on in the background. Rocky can outrun a car! And it would turn out that eerie looking Russian women have a thing for men that are lifting weights. Rocky ran to the top of the mountain! Take that Russia! Nothing can stop the Italian Stallion, not even your "mountains". Ptsh...child's play. GO AMERICA!

The Good ole Crazies

So I was just thinking about how much I love downtown Salt Lake. No, it's not for the ever-unpresent Shopping district, or because I love the soothing sounds of perpetual construction. It's because of the people. It's the only place in the valley where you can see such an eclectic arrangement of individuals. I remember the days of walking to work at the Wells Fargo Center and being afraid for my life as I, in my slacks, dress shirt, and tie, passed some rough looking guys in their fish-net shirts, 1000 piercings, and glare that could scare....someone who doesn't scare easily. I think back on it, and they were probably 15, but that doesn't matter. You don't have to be an adult to be a skinhead....not that they were skinheads, I'm just sayin'. hey, I'm just sayin.

When I worked for the A.G., I was making a delivery to the One Utah Center (I think that's what it's called.) In my family, we colloqually came to call it the "copper top." If you don't know where that name comes from, just look at it. If you still don't know where the name comes from, you have serious problems, and I would suggest you seek medical attention...or give me $10, and i'll just call you oblivious. I'm okay with either. ANYWAY, I was making a delivery, and being such a high-up in the State of Utah hierarchy, the cars we used to make deliveries (yes, I was a courier) had special EX plates, along with signs displayed on the dash that said "Official Business for the Attorney General." Yeah, kind of a big deal. So, I could BASICALLY park anywhere I wanted. ON taht specific occasion, I parked in a delivery zone located on the north-east corner of the street. I mean, i was making a delivery, right? I don't think it matters that i was driving a 1905 ford windstar. Yes, i meant 1905 (it was old). As i was walking back to my car after exiting the building, I was stopped at the cross walk, and a rather normal looking woman stepped beside me. She was wearing what appeared to be very respectable business attire, so I didn't think anything of it. When the light changed for me to cross, I, using my excellent skills of deduction and anticipation, got a pretty good headstart on this woman. I mean, i wasn't making a competition, but I was. So i had a good 4 pace lead on her, and she quickened her stride and, at a slight job, caught up beside me and began to match my pace. I needed to get on the other side of her to get to the car, so I slowed down to cut behind her. When i slowed, so did she. I noticed a bit of a sidelong glance coming from her direction, so I sped up to cut in front of her, and she did the same. This happened two or three times, even with her slightly veering into my walking path to obstruct me further. When we both reached the other side of the street....at the exact same time, she just went on her way and left me to get into my car. All i was left to do was look as she walked off, chuckle, and think "Well that was a bit weird." And I went on my way.

Some peoples' kids. It was awesome though. I wish that was an isolated incident of apparent oddity, but stories like that are abundant in my life. Maybe on a later date I'll share about the time I was at the court house and some guy threated to me and only me that he was going to blow up the courthouse (he was OBVIOUSLY crazy, so I didn't think too much of it...and the courthouse is still standing, so I feel okay about that.)