Babies and Such

This post is going to seem a little scatter-brained, and so let me apologize in advance for that. I'm going to be covering two topics, one of which bothers me VERY much. Like, when I found out about this thing, I almost threw up in my mouth. I wish I were exaggerating when I say that, but I'm not. Yes, most of you may be thinking that this blog is generally devoted to less serious matters (well, I mean, if you can consider being held captive by cyborgs less serious), but I do say that I must spend some time discussing this..because...ew.

REALLY?! Bella is pregnant? I mean, consider my ignorant, but that's just...wow. I mean, it's beyond words, but considering that mockery is above regular words, I suppose it will have to suffice in my attempt to convey my thoughts on the matter. Yes, I must admit that I just discovered this faux pas in the plot yesterday. I don't think that makes me a bad person. I'm firmly convinced that what's her bucket writer of the Twilight Series didn't even intentionally have it happen. I know that in writing, there tends to be word vomit. You write something just real fast-like, and you don't even know what you read, but it just happens. I think that's what happened there. I sincerely hope that's what happened there. I mean, if you really think about it, the whole concept is severely disturbing. I'm not ignorant. I know how babies are made. They're delivered on a ray of sunshine that penetrates the home at first light, and suddenly a baby is lying on the floor, or some other equally capable baby carrying device. Sometimes it happens when it's planned, sometimes by mistake. There's no real way to tell.

But seriously, if what's her bucket bad acting, twitch lady (the one you call "Bella") and bad actor glitter boy, were...you know...I think we have a term for that. Yes, it's called necrophilia. Sure, some may say that he's "undead," and I just say "tomatoes, tomatoes" (if you could hear me saying that, it would be pronounced significantly differently. Undead = dead, in the same way that inflammable = flammable. She may as well exhume a corpse from the local cemetery, revive it, and have at it. Gross. Yeah. I'm not the one who initially wrote it. GROSS.

Okay, on a lighter topic, someone requested that I write my theory on where zombies came from. Trust me, the origins of zombies is a far lighter topic than doing the nasty dance with an undead (= dead) body. One of my good friends recently posted the following on Facebook:
          

Thanks to Wikipedia, I now know that Pope Formosus was exhumed and tried by Pope Stephen VI within a year of his death.

In response to that, I wrote the following:

 It was at that exact moment that the Zombies vowed their revenge on all humankind, except they can't really talk intelligibly, so it just sounded like a series of grumbles, and no one understood the threat

I suppose it would be more appropriate if I corrected myself and said that I will be talking about the feud between zombies and humans. So I'll elaborate a little. As my friend stated, Pope Forsomus was exhumed. Now, there are few things that zombies like less than having one of their friends brought back into the world of the living. Trust me, I asked. They like it even less when you bring one of their own back to the land of the living to be put on trial (it doesn't matter the form the trial takes.) They like it EVEN LESS if you bring one of their own back to the land of the living, try him, and it just so happens that while he was alive he was a major religious figure! Even the dead respect religion (which doesn't speak a lot about the people alive nowadays who have no tolerance for religion in general. You heard it here first folks, they're worse than zombies.) So, once the zombie nation (not the Rob Zombie nation. The real zombies look at Rob as a bit of a poser) heard of this treachery, they vowed revenge. It was only after that that they discovered their insatiable love for brains.

I mean, I don't mean to point fingers or anything, but we all know who to blame for the zombie epidemics of '78 and '93 (it's been proposed that the one in '93 was linked directly to the popularity of Nirvana, but we can't be too sure). So next time you have a brain thirsty zombie chasing after you, think back to this post. Just take a minute, reflect, and then get eaten, because we know it'll happen eventually. May as well get it over with, right? Right.

Well, there you have it (I've kind of noticed that I tend to finish most of my posts with that phrase.) Zombies. Mutant vampire babies. None of it really makes sense anyway.

Psychology at its Finest

In the universe, there are forces at work which exceed the understanding of mankind. There are the forces that compel the tectonic plates in their motion. There are the forces which make women avoid men who stare nightly into their windows, and there are even the forces that persuaded Martin Cohan and Blake Hunter to create "Who's the Boss?" Like I said. Some things just don't make sense, but I'm going to be discussing something I've recently spent time considering regarding forces in the world of psychology (that probably has nothing to do with what I'll write about, but the shoe fits...)

In the fear of having to forfeit a man card, I recently purchased a salad for the first time. And I'm not talking about a side-salad at Tony Roma's. I mean a full on salad. First time (I didn't actually purchase it. It was gifted to me, but the intent is the same.) Now, what is it about a salad that women are naturally drawn to? Sure, it's healthy and all that jazz, but I think there's something that's naturally ingrained within a woman's mind that subconsciously attracts them to the color green. I know that there are types of spinach or cabbage or whatever that aren't green, but I consider those non-green leaf based vegetables as enemies of the state (the state of being awesome, to be more specific.)

This got me thinking a little more. I know there is a force that drives two particles of matter together...or draws them together, not drives, because if it were to drive them together that would change the location of the force vector, which would be misleading at best . Why can't there be a force that drives women to salad? I mean, I don't know! And you don't know, so don't go off dismissing the claim just because I have no empirical evidence. If you do that, I'm going to adopt the standpoint that YOU don't exist. Yeah. Take that.

Along those similar lines, I had to start wondering if it were just green salads that women are drawn to, so I started wearing green shirts more often to try my luck...and much to my surprise, it WORKED! Or I thought it did...until I realized my friend had been telling people I like dudes (you know, because girls sometimes feel safer around guys who like other guys. You should have seen their faces when I started coming on to them.) (As a side note, those who know me can know the truth of that last statement....or lack of truth.)

One of the keys to a good theory is experimentation, so I'm going to need your help. If you happen to be female, I want you to get a piece of green construction paper, tape it to the wall, sit on a computer chair (or any other chair that has wheels) and make sure you're on like a wood or tile floor too, and then lift up your legs while staring intently at the piece of paper. Sit there for like 3 hours and check if you've moved any closer to the paper. It's for science, people. Take a hit. In fact, if you do this, I will personally reward you (I may or may not show up with a green shirt on.)

There you have it, folks. My latest scientific hypothesis. Prove me wrong, I dare you.