Ever talked to yourself? Well, you should.

I've never really understood why some people ostracize those who talk to themselves. Yeah. I said it. I don't get it. Why don't I get it? It's not just because I do it. No, I don't think that makes me crazy. Honestly, I think if someone has the ability to switch personalities so fast and so frequently as to have a legitimate conversation with themselves, their efforts should be applauded. Now, keep in mind, this is assuming that none of the personalities are violent. If the personality is violent, stay away from my family because I don't want to have to introduce you to my friends: knuckles and...other fist. So, remember that, don't come around my family if you have violent personalitieS (emphasis on the plural. I can deal with one. I'm an expert peace maker, and i'm not talking about the gun. I'm not a gun. Nor do I have guns. that shouldn't come as a surprise. This parenthetical phrase is ended now). 

I've talked a little about some of the nutty or zany people that I've encountered in my time spent downtown. For some STRANGE reason, it just makes my day when I see a man yelling at...something...while standing on a street corner.  I just have to wonder what is happening in that person's mind. I bet they're having a party, unless they deal with paranoia, in which case they definitely are not having a party. But that's a much heavier topic and has no place in this blog. If you wish to deal with the heavier topics, consult your physician. Why? I don't know. It just felt right to say.

The moral of this story is that we shouldn't look at people funny when they talk to themselves. In fact, if we see someone talking to their self (or a form of their self), don't giggle. Don't look at them funny. Just think about what they could be thinking. I bet it could be fun (generally, I haven't come across people who are having a jolly old time when they're talking to themselve (?) (That word is hard from a grammatical standpoint. I can never be sure which form of it to use in which context. Come to think of it, I've never had to think of it until now. Let's hope it doesn't come up in one  of my engineering classes or I am in BIG trouble) As a general rule, they're yelling. I don't know why they're so mad. Maybe one of their personalities moved their favorite shirt and isn't telling them where it is. I don't know...just an idea.) You know, now that I think about it, if I saw someone on a street corner just giggling to themselves (?), I think I might be a little more...weirded out...than if they were yelling. There's just something creepy about giggling. yeah, that's right. I admitted it. Teenage girls are creepy.

There you have it folks. I just wrote a defense against self-conversation. I don't think it would hold up in a court of law (maybe in Missouri it would), but it's just my standpoint. Don't hate what you don't understand. Put yourself in their shoes (not literally because it could very well be the only pair they own. Yes, I just put a stereotype of people who talk to themselves. Get over it.) Everyone needs company...even when you don't have anyone to keep you company. Just beware the gigglers....

Best...Movie...Ever

I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but there seems to be a great influx of disaster based movies permeating society these days. It could be a result of many-a-thing. Perhaps it's due to the fact that we're quickly bearing down on the predicted Mayan Apocalypse (I need to put a disclaimer regarding that phrase. I know it's far from an adequate way to describe what that whole Dec. 21, 2012 thing is, because had they really been smart, they would have been able to predict the end of their civilization. Just saying.). Maybe it's the day somebody will finally eat an entire cow by himself (Some of you politically correct fiends may be upset with how I genderized that term, but let's be honest, it'll be a dude). With that in mind, I had a GREAT idea for a movie. Once again, I'm being honest: it's gonna be HUGE.

So, let me set the stage: Manhattan (every good disaster movie happens in Manhattan....and I say "good" disaster movie, but I mean...well, they're never that good, but moving on...). The year is 2011. Without going into a whole lot of detail, some bad things happen. Meteors, tidal waves (a term I've never understood. If it's a wave related to tides, you'd think they'd be more common), Velociraptors eating everyone's dinner, Carl Marx returning from the grave. You get the picture: stuff's gonna 'splode. Anyway, people are dying left and right. Humanity's numbers are quickly dwindling, kind of like at the end of the Book of Ether. Bad. Ultimately, there are only a handful of people left and they are trapped in a building that's...I don't know....being consumed by molten lava, and then it fades to black. Yep, everyone died. At the end of the movie, the title of the movie will be replayed (as seems to be a common theme these days). Big, bold letters say: Everyone Dies. It fades to black. Wait for it.....wait for it.....wait for it....and then it comes back. There it says it: Everyone dies....and then a subtitle comes in and says: ...but one. And it shows a flash of a man who inexplicably survived the molten lava attack (attack?).

The reason why I think this is perfect is because it'll give everyone the destruction they want, and it also gives people the killing they want. On the opposite side, it gives people hope because someone survived, and it sets it up for a great sequel. It'll be called "The Last Man on Earth", kind of like I Am Legend. Except at the end of that movie, the subtitle will read "Died Too". So really everyone dies...it just takes two movies of nonsense to get it done.

Anyway, I think it'll work. I've also been given other ideas for movies by a dear friend of mine called "Explosion" where it just shows a guy running and explosions going off around him for two hours. Another idea (from the same friend) is called "in the dark," where a team of explorers find a very deep cave. Ten minutes into their journey into their cave, their lamps fail, and the rest of the movie is audio only. Yeah. Good ideas, I know.

<---Yep. Imagine staring at that for an hour and a half while only hearing a bunch of rustling and someone occasionally saying "What's that?" or "Did you hear that?" Winner.

Anywho, there's just another glimpse of the things I spend my time thinking about. Yeah, I think I need to get out more.

But Wait! There's More!

Over the years, I've been barraged with various ideas from people who are looking to market the next big gadget. One of my biggest goals is to make my own infomercial, even though that goal, in and of itself, is highly unrealistic. This entry of my blog will be divided into two sections. First, I'm going to talk about what my infomercial would be like, and second, I'm going to discuss a few potential products that some of my friends and I have come up with over the years.

One of my favorite things about an infomercial is when they're starting the intro, and it usually goes something like this:  Have you ever been frustrated at how much you have to change your cat's litter? And then they procure some miracle cat litter sifting product that does everything but make the cat breakfast (for now. I hear some companies in Taiwan are currently working on having a machine do that, although some skeptics have begun questioning where the machine gets the material from which it makes the breakfast. I'll leave it at that). In those infomercials, that portion just comprises a small segment of the introduction. In MY infomercial, it's going to be the majority of what we talk about. It'll go more something like this (imagine i'm marketing one of those forearm strengthening thingys): have you ever looked down ashamedly at the size of your forearms (keep in mind these scenarios will all be acted out by REALLY awesome actors)? Have you ever been passed by on the street by the girl of your dreams just because you could gather the courage to look her in the face because you knew you wouldn't be able to help her open her pickle jars? Do you ever sit for hours at a time wondering how you could even have friends because you can barely give a good handshake? Seriously, do you ever sit for similar reasons and wonder why you were even born? And then the product is introduced. Those who know me know that I like to take the stance of an extremist in some arguments. Not that I actually believe those things, but everyone needs a little extreme in your life, whether it's sports, religious radicalism, or even signing up to do one of those old Surge commercials. The scenarios in the infomercial would then get worse and worse and worse. I don't know at what point it would stop, but I think I've got a good thing going there.

Now, I will just briefly explain some of the ideas that I (I use the term 'I' to reference my friends and myself simply to make it simpler...for me. I don't intend to take all the credit for these awesome products because they're most definitely not all my ideas.)

First off, the Spatchet. The catch phrase would be something like "Got a problem? SPATCHET!" What it is is essentially the mixture of a spatula and a hatchet. Now, some may be wondering why we would ever need a spatula AND a hatchet. No, it wouldn't be for those times you're looking to flip a burning log in the fire and cut it at the same time. It would be used for much more practical...uses. For example, you know when you're making pancakes and the batter seeps into the batter of another pancake so it looks like one large, disfigured pancake, when in reality it's two pancakes? You know what I'm talking about? How annoying is that! I mean, you try to cut it with your spatula, but you can never seem to get it all the way through, and before you know it the pancake is burned and you have, through chaos theory, caused the fall of 30 different government systems all around the world. I mean, this could all have been avoided had you had a more practical tool to cut that dang pancake. This is where Spatchet comes into play. You take the spatula, lift the portion where the two pancakes are connected, push a button and a hatchet connected to some pneumatic lever comes flying down to cut the pancake. Sure, I know that this product really is ridiculous, but Spatchet sure is fun to say!

Secondly, i don't know if any of you have ever sat for hours wondering about how weird the word nonsensical is. I know I have...seriously. Maybe during that time you've wondered why it sounds so much like the word Popsicle. I'm going out on a limb here, but perhaps you've even gone so far as to wonder what that word would taste like. Well, this is where THE Nonsensical comes into play. It's a Popsicle in form. It looks like one, it smells like one. It could come in a green or orange variety...you know what a Popsicle looks like. So you go into the experience expecting grape or lime or whatever, and you take a lick...and...this flavor doesn't make any sense! It tastes like bologna, or burnt toast, or...wood. I think it would be great for parties. "Hey! Thanks for coming to my party!" "Yeah, thanks for inviting me. It sure is hot out here!" "Yeah, do you want a Popsicle?" "Oh yeah, sure!" this would be followed by some subtle snickers (not the candy...come to think of it, I don't know how a candy bar could be subtle. I don't think I would want to meet a subtle candy bar. It would probably reach for my wallet, and I would bat it away, look at my friend and be like "What's the deal with your candy bar?" "It's one of those subtle snickers." "Ohhh...."). The person would put the Popsicle in his mouth, take a quick taste and spit it out. He'd say something like, "What the...fried ham?" "Yeah, it's one of them Nonsensicals." "Ohhh..." and everyone would have a good time. I think I could literally solve some disputes with this. That's just my thinking though and I tend to be pretty oblivious about reality.

This is probably what your friend would look like when he tastes The Nonsensical (and if he were a baby).

So there you have it folks. These things are going to be big; I can see it. If you have any other awesome ideas for a product, feel free to comment it! Maybe that way I won't feel like I think of such weird things.

Socially Awesome

I tend to think that I'm fairly normal...okay, I don't, but that's beside the point. One of the great privileges I encounter fairly regularly in my station (now, I'm just going to point out that this isn't a radio station for all you that may have been thinking that I sideline as a disc jockey. Some of you may be wondering what "sidelining" as a disc jockey means, and to that I say...I haven't yet decided. I just kind of wrote something that sounded like it could mean something. Come up with your own definition, i DARE you.) ANYWAY, in my station (reminder: not a radio station) I encounter a select group of people who tend to be ostracized from the majority of society. It's not because of hygiene issues (although this select group of people do tend to be less....how do you say...groomed...as mainstream society), nor is it because of their involvement in what we would call a different "class" of individuals. In fact, as a general rule, this group of people tends to be fairly well off, although there is a stereotype that they may or may not still live in their mothers' basements at the age of 35. Guess who I'm talking about yet? No? Okay. Well, let me just tell you. The people to which I'm referring can be labeled as nothing other than "socially awkward." What makes them socially awkward? There could be a number of reasons. Maybe they spent too much time in their dad's Wizard store as a youth. Perhaps they had dreams of growing up to be a Pokemon Master...a dream which never died. Maybe they even refused sociality with the other youth of the neighborhood and opted to converse with their custom made Dungeons and Dragons figurines. Whether it's one of those or something else, there's just a switch in their brain that either didn't exist or just never got flipped. It's the switch that most of us know as...no, not puberty...I will call it "Hello, reality. I'm here to meet you."

I understand that liking any of the above listed activities is not inherently bad. There are a lot of fun...activities...that children can engage themselves in. All things in moderation, as they say. I'm talking primarily about the people who became so immersed as to skew reality. I know in a previous post I spent some time talking about video games and Twilight and the like, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about the special group of people that sometimes make us laugh just by watching them interact with life. Whether that's good or bad is something that you need to decide.

Let me tell you a couple stories of experiences I have had. I will also pose some conjectures as to why the people behaved in the way they did.

Story #1) Last fall (Fall of 2009) I was looking to fill in some extra credit hours with a class that I might actually enjoy. I went to a class with a couple friends called "the Universe," as I have had a fascination with the stars and theoretical astrophysics. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, I didn't actually end up taking the class because I decided that taking a class about stars wasn't worth $400 dollars. Call me cheap if you want. I only attended 3 class periods, and I sat on the back row or second to back row as a general rule. One day the professor posed a question (I don't remember what it was), and a guy behind me raised his hand to answer. Now, I want you all to put yourselves in the place of this young man. You raise your hand in class to answer a question; what do you do afterward? Mind you, this is a large class (probably over 100 people in it), and it's in the physics auditorium. Of course, you'd raise your voice a little and just answer. But no, not this guy. He stood up, put his hands behind his back, stuck out his chest and gave the answer. I'll give him credit; he knew his stuff. However, the manner in which he opted to answer caught me off guard and I couldn't help but look at a friend and chuckle a little.

Analysis of Story #1) This gave me cause to wonder: why did that become the norm for this particular individual? Here are some possibilities of what could have led to this behavior. The first thought I had was that maybe he came from a military family. They tend to be excessively strict and proper at all times...then again, a lot of the time the kids rebel and steal hand grenades and flush them down toilets (Yes, I know a hand grenade is probably to big to be flushed down a toilet, but I like to think that at an army base they have some industrial strength toilet...you know...for emergencies, in which this could be possible.), so that may not be it. My second thought was, maybe he was home schooled. I have nothing against home schooling, and I recognize that it may be the best option in some circumstances, but, at the same time, I think that if not done properly, the kids can turn out a little...off. I knew families on my mission that fit this description (although, now that I think of it, the parents were a little strange too...so maybe the home schooling isn't to blame). I finally settled on this notion, however. I am convinced that he, as a youth, suffered some sort of trauma in which he ruined his back and they had to replace it with a metal representation of his spine. That would account for the superhuman rigidness of his back (now THAT would be a terrible super power. "So, he can shoot lasers, he can fly, what can you do?" "I have a really straight spine..."). As for his weird behavior, maybe he had been hypnotized and he didn't even know he was standing when he answered the question. I think it's plausible.

Story #2) Just the other day, I was preparing to take a test in my Digital Logic class (I know what some of you are thinking. "Digital lawjick...?" Believe it or not, but the name of the class actually fits.), and I heard a guy talking to some other guys in the class about video games. This is not an unfamiliar topic of conversation considering it's an engineering class, but the level to which he conversed is what surprised me. He went on to list all the Zelda games in the order that they came out. I love those games, but I've never taken the time to go through and memorize when they came out. He went on to say some other things about video games and so on. I like video games, but I don't LIKE video games, if you catch my meaning. If my xbox were to be stolen, I'd probably read more. 'Nuff said. It's not something around which my life revolves. Yes, I play them frequently, but it's because it's something to do. I wouldn't dream of walking into a class full of computer engineers, list some facts about video games and scream, "I am your god! Worship me!"  I'm not going to analyze this any further because I want to spend some time on an event which took place almost immediately afterward.

Story #3) Immediately after story #2, I happened to overhear a phrase which...let's be honest...was awesome. A young man said the following: I just wanted to walk up to her, say "you're pretty" and walk off. I'm not what we would call "smooth" with the lady folk, probably because the people who think they're smooth are the ones I make fun of. I embrace the fact that people feel awkward when I'm around, and a lot of the time I use that to my advantage (not in a bad way. I just exploit the awkwardness because I think it's funny). But, walking up to a girl, telling her she's pretty, and walking off...strange much? Now, ladies, would that be creepy if that happened to you? If the answer is yes, maybe I should consider doing it.

Analysis of Story #3) I have to wonder...why? I highly doubt that this guy was depraved of female contact sufficiently to create a desire and longing for any interaction with a woman that simply saying "you're pretty" would fill the void. I'm going to give him the benefit of that doubt (because I'm a good person). Perhaps doing that was grounds for receiving some sort of accolade or recognition of some sort. I don't know that it's not. Here is my guess as to what happened. Engineers tend to have a habit of getting wrapped up in school work. There's more than enough to go around. I know this isn't a problem that is exclusive to engineers, but there is one major difference. There is no gender balance in the engineering world, especially if you're dealing with Electrical and Computer engineers, as well as computer scientists. Fact: there is no more than 1 girl in any of my engineering classes this semester. That being said, hormones tend to flare up a little when a girl is seen, let alone what we perceive as a "pretty" girl. I would compare it to the feeling you get when you get a fairly large tax refund. All this money and no idea how to use it. That's how it is with engineers and girls on our turf (the engineering buildings.) This fellow had become so immersed in his school work, that when he saw a girl, he reverted back to his elementary school self and thought it would be a good idea to call her pretty and run off giggling to brag to his friends about he ACTUALLY spoke to a woman. Nothing against him, but I'm going to rank that tactic JUST above yelling "HEY" at a girl as you drive by in your car.

I'm going to make my intentions clear. I do not write this for some crude source of self-aggrandizement. I'm simply giving you a window into my life. These are the types of situations I encounter regularly. There are certain perks to being an engineer. Finding a wife in the engineering classes, however, is not one of them.

There you have it, folks. My rambliest (that's the state of being the most rambly) post yet. If you made it to the end, you deserve a treat.

I'll show YOU a super power...

I would submit that one of the most widely propagated questions that people tend to ask, one that is appropriate under any circumstance whether it be a birthday party, a church service, or a date, is the question: if you could have any super power, what would it be and why? Now, I have come up with the ultimate answer to this question, and that is that I would have the ability to control both gravitational and electromagnetic forces because...well...I could basically do anything. BUT, that's not the point of my post. Some of the other answers include flight, shape-shifting, and even mind reading. It is about the last one that I'm going to write.

Now, what is it about mind reading that is appealing to so many people? I mean, I think it would be kind of annoying. think about it: could you control when you read minds? I mean, I don't really want to be hearing about what the guy at Denny's* thinks about his Grand Slam or the diabolical thoughts that the person helping me at KFC may be having. I mean, I know one things for sure. I've had KFC enough to know that if I were to ever work there, the only thoughts I would have when a guy comes in for a family size bucket of Chicken probably wouldn't be the most...well, if you just had some flash of the type of comments that may run through my mind, there's a good chance that you need to start thinking nicer things. Another thing that could be potentially annoying would be the types of minds that could be read. I mean, think about it, what if all you could do is read the mind of an animal? There might be something particularly alluring about repeatedly hearing the barking of a dog but only in your MIND...then again, you might be kind of screwed up.

On a more general note, basically any super power could be annoying. I mean, if someone were to come up to you and could actually grant you a wish of any super power, you better be very careful how you phrase the wish. I mean, everyone's probably seen a show where someone makes a wish and it ends up working out horribly for them. Think about it. Let's say I wished that I could fly, but I wasn't specific on how or when. Imagine the embarrassment I would feel if I were in the middle of taking a test and just randomly flew upwards rapidly into the ceiling, got knocked unconscious, started bleeding out of my head 'n stuff, and woke up with the entire class huddled around me. That would be awful...buuuuuut, then again, maybe I could get a date out of it. The plot thickens...

All in all, I think the fact that people wish they could read minds is largely due to the habit people have developed of..not...talking. Now, I know some people are going to be all like "Ben, you text more than anyone I know! How can you say we need to talk more." And to that I say: grow up. In all seriousness though, I strongly believe that if people would be more honest with each other, there would be less of that science-fictiony desire to read minds.

The morals of this story are as follows:

1) Don't wish to be able to read dogs minds

2) Be careful about flying people in your science class. They could be bewitched.

3) Richie, eat your crust.

4) Always, and I mean ALWAYS, brush your teeth.

and

5) If you do possess the power to fly, always use it to your benefit with the lady folk. Just sayin...

The Time of Day/Night that Males Will Never Speak of Again

Okay, you all know it's been coming. I alluded to something in my last post that really chaps my rash...figuratively. I would like to consider myself a somewhat realistic person, but I have been known to dabble in fantasy a bit, mostly with elves, dwarves, and men who live FAR beyond what people these days live. Yes, in case you were wondering, I'm referring to the Numenoreans. If you don't know what that is, I recommend you email some guy who has spent his life learning Elvish (not Elvis....because I'm not entirely certain how you could learn him..unless, of course, you're referring to the more aged definition of learn, which can be substituted with teach...which really doesn't make sense, but is still fun to say. How's THAT for a side track...and run-on sentence?!)...I'm going to assume you forgot what the sentence preceding the parenthetical statement was, so I'll repeat. If you don't know what a Numenorean is, email some guy who has spent his life learning Elvish and let him ream you. Granted, he has spent his life learning Elvish, so there's not a lot he could say to you that would make you feel bad about yourself. I mean, come on, you could always fall back on the statement "Hey, at least I don't know Elvish." Just saying.

Anyway, back to the thing that figuratively chaps my rash. Yeah, you know what it is. Dare I say....Twilight. I understand that I will be alienating a certain demographic simply by writing this entry, but I'm okay with that. If you are willing to sacrifice a friendship over a fantasy book, you're obviously not Team Benjamin.

Now, there are a certain few things about Twilight that really bother me. First off, did Stephanie Meyer even know what a vampire was before writing this? I mean, sure she understood the fundamental aspect of the blood sucking, but for all I know, she could have been confusing "vampires" with "leeches." If all you know about a vampire was that it sucked blood, you could see how that would be an easy mistake to make.

See, you can very well understand how ANYONE *who is on crack* could confuse the
<---two.---->

I do have to admit, however, that I have seen the first movie. It was under some very specific circumstances, and if that requires me to forfeit a man card, I will do so because it was worth driving several avid Twilight fans up the wall. There are certain things that really just didn't sit well with me...to the extent that I almost vomited. Seriously. First off, if these so-called "Vampires" are so afraid of sunlight, why do they sit at the table in the lunch room that's nearest the windows? What would happen if the clouds broke even for a second? All their years and years of intense concealment would be blown. Obviously their "father" didn't tell them anything about common sense. Second, sparkles? Really? REALLY!?!?! It's like they all got trapped in the horrible glitter factory collapse of '87, and by some freak accident, they all fell into the same vat of nuclear glitter and it embedded itself within their skin. It's like some experience that usually creates a superhero, but this time it went horribly horribly wrong. I mean, maybe Stephanie Dyer got a hold of some of the earliest rejected ideas by Marvel*. I mean, really. The only thing gayer would be if these "vampires" happened to all be on the cheer squad at Forks high and spent their free time practicing their ballet or synchronized swimming or something.

The circumstance under which I witnessed this abscess of a movie was the following: For those of you who may be familiar with the popular TV series "Mystery Science Theater 3000," the guys who do that also make audio tracks that you can play along with a variety of modern movies, such as Twilight. So we had that playing alongside the movie, which enhanced the experience, but it was still torture. I would recommend that anyone who doesn't want to watch the movie but somehow feels pressured into doing it...that's the way to go. If you still think I deserve to forfeit a man card, you obviously haven't read the rules regarding forfeiture and seizure of man card and man card accessories.

Back to my rant on Twilight. Previously I mentioned that I tend to dabble in fantasy on occasion, but there's something that separates me from a Twilight enthusiast (well, I'm sure there are plenty of things that separate me, like the fact that I like girls), is the fact that I have NEVER, EVER been romantically inclined towards any of the characters in Lord of the Rings. Sure, Arwen sounded hot, but I never got to the level where I would compare other girls to her. For all you people who are constantly fighting over which team would win, Team Edward or Team Jacob, I have breaking news for you: the team that wins is the team that is still in reality.

Some people might be thinking that I am just jealous because girls don't talk about me the way they talk about Edward and Taylor Lautner (Let's be honest, no one talks about the guy that PLAYS Edward). Here's what I have to say to you: HA! HAHA! HAAAAAAAA! HAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA. Heh heh, HA! I think that gets the point across. I think that if I'm being compared to a fictional character, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway....for obvious reasons (if you don't know what those reasons are, club yourself over the head. If you still remember twilight when you wake up, you didn't do it hard enough).

Okay, I think I'm done with my rant for now. Deep breaths. Feel free to comment if you have something I may have omitted. Granted, I understand that there are like 5 people who actually read this blog.


*Marvel is in no way associated with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.

Player Hater

I intentionally labelled this entry the way I did for several reasons. First, to mislead and confuse...because that's just the kind of person I am. Secondly (well, it's basically the same as a reason, but for some reason, everything sounds better when made into a list), because of the many different ways the term "player" could be interpreted. Much to some of  your dismay, I am not going to relate any of my philosophies regarding dating. I'm probably never going to give a look into that mode of thinking I currently occupy. This entry will be detailing my thoughts regarding male sports habits.

This could be linked to my previous post about the constant need of testosterone filled males to prove their manliness when around the women folk.

Something I have been paying particular heed to is vocal tendencies of he-men. I would like to point out that I, on purpose, called them he-men instead of just men. Let me explain why. The difference between a he-man and just a normal man is first (LISTSSSSS!), He-man is an awesome cartoon. nuff said. Secondly, a he-man (outside the specific antithesis of Skeletor), is someone who is not just a man because that explanation in and of itself would come nowhere near the level of manliness inherently contained within this individual's frame. Instead, there comes the need to affix the title he, as if to reinforce the gender non-neutrality of this person. There can never be any confusion as to how much of a man this man is, therefore, we will call him a he-man....or a Male-man (not to be confused with the rejected superhero proposed in the late 70's to Marvel Comics*. ) Either description is just redundant enough to get the point across.

Moving on: there exists a culture amongst most males that I will term as Blinders. In the most extreme case, it would come about as a result of some fierce rage provoked by someone shooting spit wads all high-school-like at a man's face. Other causes may include: stealing a burrito, giving cock-eyed, sidelong glares, a swift kick in the groin, or getting killed five times in a row by the same guy who keeps camping and you can never quite seem to find. Symptoms may include: increased vulgarity in speech, excessively red face, visible fuming, or even possible heart attack.

Here's how it happens**. A group of guys is hanging out with a group of moderately-very attractive women (let's face it, it may sound harsh but if we're around girls we think are ugly, fugly, or even pug fugly, this won't happen). It'll start out by a moderately obvious battle for attention with colloquial conversation. One guy will tell a joke, and then another will try to one up the previous by adding on to the joke. From there, it could go to talking about any number of more refined topics, like sports (yes, refined) or politics. The males, if in disagreement, will attempt to assert their dominance in the conversation either by belittling the other with quips or sarcasm (that's my personal favorite tactic), or by the decibel at which he makes his comments. At that point, one will go to get a drink of water or something of that nature. Given the right circumstances, like in a large crowd and if the one guy has to walk past or even over the other to get out, the person being passed will make a half-hearted jab at the leg or something (to be funny). At that point, the other may retaliate with a quick kick (also joking), but at that point, here come the blinders. The face will turn red, and the unabashed wrestling match begins.

When all is said and done, who wins? Now that's not really an answer for which I can ascribe a generalization. By some strange twist of fate, it turns out that some girls like that. Then again, some girls swoon over sparkley (turns out sparkley isn't in my browsers dictionary. That's frustrating) vampires that don't know how to act, and that's just another one of life's mysteries that I will never understand. It also turns out that, even more shockingly, some people find it disgusting when I pour mounds of easy cheese, at least three times the size of the Wheat Thin*** it's on, and proceed to dump it into my mouth. I think it's blissful. I don't get why others say it's "gross" or "unbecoming" or "satanic". I figure if it tastes somewhat like cheese, it must be cheese. I'm just saying. Getting back on track, some girls find it amusing. I think it's...for lack of a better word, nature. Perhaps some justify it in their mind that they're in some, strange way, expressing their love of nature by embracing some of the more carnal (I mean violent, not lustful) habits. I just think it's ridiculous. Anyway, those are the blinders.

Some of you may be asking the question that I find myself asking..myself...right now. "What is the point of this blog entry?" If you're asking that, you clearly need to stop reading this for any informative value. Just accept my mindless nonsense for what it is (mindless nonsense) and move on with life...and possible make me a cake. I will also accept cookies or sandwiches....or pudding.

That is all.

*Marvel has no affiliation with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.
**As a general rule, these occurrences could happen sequentially, but they don't necessarily need to happen that way. Any one of these could come about                       unprovoked.
***Wheat Thins are in nowise affiliated with The Cold Side of the Pillow or any of its subsidiaries.